


and you will call it treason

by antpelts



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Absent Parents, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Parenting, Coming Out, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Enemies to Friends, Gay Jared Kleinman, Healing, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Jared Kleinman Has ADHD, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Self-Acceptance, Self-Reflection, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 45,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25046233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: First day of senior year - whoop-de-fucking-doo.Jared Kleinman is ready to put the last part of his plan in action, if everything went as intended he could skate by and duck out of senior year, leaving everything behind. Including his stupid fucking feelings for one Evan Hansen.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Zoe Murphy
Comments: 246
Kudos: 219





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> back at it again,, with more kleinsen,,

First day of senior year - whoop-de-fucking-doo. 

The kitchen was already empty by the time Jared’s alarm went off, so it came as no surprise it was _still_ empty when he practically stumbled down the stairs with damp hair. It was barely even seven and he was fairly confident that his mom didn’t _have_ to be in at work until some time past eight, yet she was long gone. There was a list Jared stored in his head: _reasons why mom leaves an hour early for work._ None of the speculative items on it were appealing to think about, so he didn’t. (Well, he was fairly certain he was at least a minor contributing factor, ever since he could drive himself to school he stopped seeing his mom in the mornings.)

“Fuckin’ shit,” he hissed losing his footing on the last step and stumbling, catching himself on the wall. He had a suspicion that this morning would be indicative of how his whole senior year would go. “Fuck.”

Shaking his head he trudged into the kitchen, flipping the lights on as he passed the light switch. He’d never been a fan of breakfast but his mom stocked the fridge with those shitty weight loss breakfast shakes and while he was fairly certain it was some thinly veiled commentary on him.. he couldn’t argue their convenience. Plus, they were chocolate flavored, and they tasted alright even if they almost went down a little grainy. Grabbing one from the fridge he hopped onto the counter, cracking it open. The stove clock told him it was finally seven - he could either leave at 7:15 and hang around the fringe of the cafeteria or he could leave at 7:30 and just go straight to class. After some deliberation he decided earlier was better than later, everyone would be grabbing their schedules and there were too many people who preferred to show up last minute. Being late on the first day because of a line to get a piece of fucking paper was stupid as shit.

After downing half the shake in two sips he just slid off to counter and dumped the rest in the sink, running the water as he watched it swirl down the drain. He didn’t bother rinsing the bottle out, dropping it into the trash. Evan probably would’ve chastised him for forgoing the recycling because of his own laziness.

Evan.

They’d spoken a grand total of three times that summer. Once before Jared’s summer camp, once after he got home in the middle of July, and once a few weeks ago at the start of August. Each conversation was no more than ten texts from either of them and about nothing important in particular. Jared spent the summer honing his skills at shutting down conversations before Evan could get any sort of real response out of him - a skill he’d first picked up the summer before they started high school when he started to put his ultimate plan into action: _Fuck off Evan Hansen._ Or, more specifically: _No, these dreams don’t mean anything, keep him at an arm’s length until they stop and move on with life._

It was working, at least. Junior year went swimmingly. He only saw Evan outside of school twice (in person): once when his parents had a dinner party with the Hansens in attendance and once when Heidi had sent him over with some Challah for Rosh Hashanah. The rest of their friendship was conducted through video chats and text threads - the physical distance actually helped the dreams slow down, but they didn’t quite stop, which was why he was moving into the next phase of his plan: fully tapering off. It started that summer, cutting down their texting and dumbing down their conversations to hold little to no actual substance.

Another glance to the clock, _7:06 am,_ less than ten minutes. Of course he wasted a good six minutes thinking about Evan - this was exactly why he had to move on to the next phase of his plan. One Evan Hansen had been living rent free in his head for a few years too many. Now he had one more year to put enough distance between them so they could just quietly go their separate ways after graduation without Evan suspecting a thing. He’d just become a passing story, ‘a childhood friend’ and Evan would become the same to him. Nothing more, nothing about lingering glances or brushing of hands. Whatever friendship they had was going to end in high school, Jared didn’t need that following him. He wasn’t gay or anything.

It was fine.

Grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter he twirled the lanyard around his fingers while shrugging his backpack on. He tried to relish how light it was, knowing full well he’d be lugging around pointless textbooks within the next few days. Sure, he _could_ use his locker but he’d rather just keep all his shit on hand.

Flipping off the kitchen lights he moved towards the front door, shoving his feet into his shoes. After a bit of wiggling he managed to get them on, leaning down to adjust them. Maybe he crushed the heels down a bit but he couldn’t bring himself to care too much. A glance at his phone flashed the time back at him, _7:12 am._ With a huff he tucked his phone in his pocket and addressed his overshirt - it had gotten bunched up when he tugged his backpack on. With a little bit of a subconscious flourish he tugged the ends out from where they’d gotten caught under the straps of his bag. He was probably going to sweat from the multiple layers but that was just a sacrifice he was willing to make. If he was going to spend years building up a brand he might as well stick to it. He was nothing if not consistent.

The humidity hit him like a wall as soon as he opened the front door and he let out an audible groan, already feeling sweat beading on his back - great. Ducking his head he quickly walked to his car, unlocking it and practically flinging the driver side door open. He tossed his bag over the center console and slumped into his seat as he started up the car. The air conditioning was already on full blast, turned up from the last time he’d driven somewhere. The clock on the console blinked at him, taunting, _7:15 am._

* * *

The hallways were stiflingly hot, enough so that Jared questioned if they had even kicked on the air yet. It wouldn’t be too surprising if they hadn’t - the public school system wasn’t notorious for looking out for their students’ well being. He just hoped the building would cool enough by first period to keep him from wanting to crawl out of his own skin.

Despite himself, Jared ended up at his locker. He absolutely had no plans to use it but the line to get his schedule _had_ been short because of how early he was. Now he had time to kill. After staring into his empty locker for a good two minutes he just heaved a sigh - this really wasn’t doing good for his whole nonchalant asshole image, he just looked like a moron. Practically slamming his locker he relocked it and spun around, pushing his headphones down off his ears until they hung around his neck. He always pulled them on when he got to school, it kept people from talking to him while he aimlessly wandered the halls before the first bell.

A voice caught his attention, deliberate and commanding. Alana Beck. She gave the most memorable presentations in english, she had one of _those_ voices. A voice which she was using to talk to.. Evan? Since when did they talk?

Not that he was getting possessive. That’d be even more pathetic than staring into a bare locker, Evan was just some guy he knew because their moms were friends.

By the time he came back to reality Alana was bidding Evan a farewell, now that he was left alone Jared watched him turn around, looking a little lost in the middle of the hallway. It was almost a little sad. When he turned Jared caught sight of something bulky wrapped around his arm - a cast? Oh, he needed to know that story. After his curiosity was satiated then he could switch gears back to his initial plan, but he had to hear the story. Well, after providing his own commentary. Putting on his best shit-eating grin he tucked his hands in his pockets, making a beeline right for Evan.

“Is it weird-” He dove straight in, drawing one hand from his pocket to gesture with it in Evan’s general direction. For a second he was looking around and Jared wasn’t sure if he was looking to see if anyone was watching them or if to check that he was the one being spoken to. “-to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?”

“What.. I.. wait,” Evan sputtered a bit, a familiar blush cropping up on his face. Jared was getting ready to keep going, already talking over Evan’s defense.

“Paint me the picture: you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s-”

Evan was waving his hands with more fervor than Jared had expected, and he furrowed his brow when he felt a harsh swat against his shoulder. “That’s not.. I don’t- shut up.”

“Wow, kitty’s got claws,” Jared mused, sounding almost impressed. He collected himself enough to pull a lopsided grin, “did kitty also get caught in a tree?”

Evan blinked in confusion before he glanced down to notice Jared gesturing towards his cast. He seemed to flounder for a second, cheeks flushing lightly, “um.. actually, yeah. Well. No. I mean- I was climbing a tree and I, uh, fell.”

“You..” Jared snorted out a laugh, “you fell out of a tree. What are you, like, an acorn?”

“Well, actually,” Evan breezed past the comment and it frustrated Jared more than it should have. He seemed a little extra dismissive. “I worked, um, as an apprentice park ranger up at, uh, Ellison- the uh, Ellison State Park. It’s um.. down the road from- well, you know- I don’t know if.. you, um, heard. I’m actually sort of, ah, sort of a tree expert.. so, not to brag..”

There was a pause where Evan was looking at him expectantly. Jared just arched an eyebrow - if Evan was going to be difficult he wasn’t going to offer anything up in return. (He had heard, for the record. His mom had mentioned what Evan was doing for the summer and Jared elected to ignore it.)

“Anyways,” Evan’s tone seemed flatter now, “I was climbing this, um, oak. It must’ve been.. been forty feet tall-”

“And you just fell?” Evan seemed to huff at the interruption and it brought an odd sense of satisfaction to Jared.

“Well, except it’s.. well it’s a funny story you see. For like.. maybe, um, ten minutes after I just sort of laid on the, um, dirt, right? I just kept waiting, telling myself, uh, y’know.. someone was coming.. to get me. I just kept.. thinking any second now.”

“And?” Jared shifted his weight between his feet, this had already gone on for far too long and it was not helping his plan. This was meant to be an in and out operation.

“No one.. came. That’s the, that’s what’s funny.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Jared’s brows drew together and the words rushed out with a disbelieving laugh, “well, I’m glad you had such a wonderfully crazy summer, probably nothing compared to mine-”

When Jared looked up Evan’s attention was turned towards his backpack, pulling it off his back. He seemed to not have heard him and Jared hated the way it made his stomach drop. Gritting his teeth he readied himself to drop a scathing comment to preface his dramatic escape, but Evan was already babbling again.

“I was, um, I wanted to know- well, would you, uh,” Evan’s hands seemed to be practically shaking as he held out a sharpie into the space between them. Jared looked between it and Evan, as if he was holding out a dead bird. “Um, sign my.. cast.”

“Ev,” Jared said, mustering as much painfully sarcastic sincerity he could - tilting his head and everything - while clapping Evan on the shoulder. “Why the fuck would I do that? What are we - middle schoolers?

“Well it’s just that- I, um, well we’re.. friends, so,” his voice faded into a strained whisper and he was already drawing his hand back close to his body, tightly clutching onto the sharpie.

“We’re family friends, whole different category.” Jared gave a mock sad smile, dousing it with as much pity as he could.

“Dick,” Evan mumbled with an eye roll, taking a quick step backwards. Confusion flashed over Jared’s face as he watched Evan retreat down the hall - he never ended their interactions first. That was Jared’s job - his prerogative. It shouldn’t have made his chest hurt as much as it did. Digging his phone out of his pocket he leaned on the wall and quickly punched in a message to Evan.

* * *

**Hansen 🔪**

_August 5, 10:43 am_

hey  
did you do the summer reading list for lit?

um..  
no?

okay srry 

🤡

_August 16, 7:31 am_

whats got ur panties in a bunch jeez dude  
get some chill  
tell ur mom to tell my mom were best buds still and i am a delight to u  
need to get that sweet sweet car insurance paid

👌

* * *

Pocketing his phone Jared just rolled his eyes to himself, shifting his bag on his back. Well, maybe it would be easier than he thought to carry everything out. It seemed like Evan might actually be on the same page.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> didnt realize so long had passed with no updates to like.. anything. : ( sorry guys! theres more on the way two more new fics and some updates. hopefully i can push out some bmc fic updates i swear theyre in the works tho <3

Ah, yes. Lunchtime. Sensory hell. A lawless hellscape.

Whatever - any combination, all of the above. 

Jared set up shop on the fringe, perching awkwardly on his seat as he pulled his laptop out. A paper tray of tater tots sat to his left with a sauce cup full of some hastily mixed mayo and ketchup. The lunch of champions.

Scrolling with his right hand on his trackpad he picked up tater tots and dunked them in his sauce concoction with his left. After that morning he was prepared to spend the lunch period alone - and, well, hoping for it. But as luck would have it Evan Hansen seemed set on destroying all his plans, silently dropping into the seat across from him. He made no move to open his lunchbox, fingers just crushing the fabric of it while his gaze stayed on the table. So they were doing this.

It always seemed to circle back around to Jared needing to be the one to fold, to offer up an olive branch. Here he was, staring his plan in the face. He knew he should just stay quiet, let it all pass. This was the perfect opportunity to drive that last ridge between them and _technically_ it’d be because _Evan_ stormed off earlier like a kid who didn’t get his way.

“What’s your damage?” Eloquent as ever. When Evan didn’t so much as lift his gaze Jared just rolled his eyes, mentally berating himself as he just let the words keep falling out. “Pre-calc kickin’ your ass or what? Did you not get to stare at Zoe longingly from across the hall during the passing period? C’mon, what’s your deal?”

“That’s not..” Evan scrunched up his face a bit, absentmindedly rubbing at his nose. After a second he finally opened up his lunch box - well, at least Jared was able to do something. Even if it was just getting Evan to eat his lunch to try and get away from the conversation. “Just.. none of that.”

“Gonna make me play twenty questions?” Jared nudged his laptop to the side just enough to give him a more clear line of sight. He watched as careful, but shaky, hands slowly pulled a sad looking sandwich from his lunch box. The same sad looking sandwich Jared had seen him eat since second grade. “Or are you going to spill it?”

“Nothing h- Nothing _happened._ I don’t know why you.. you,” Evan bit down on his bottom lip, busying himself with opening up his sandwich baggie. “What’s wrong- wrong with you?”

There was an attempt to put emphasis on the ‘you’ to turn Jared’s question back on him, but his voice had a sort of waver to it.

“Over a decade of knowing me,” Jared sighed dramatically, leaning his chin on his hand, “and yet you still haven’t gotten used to it?”

“We don’t even- don’t even talk.. that much.” Evan furrowed his brows, slowly tearing the crust off his sandwich. Which.. it was true _now,_ sure. But there had been a time when they talked incessantly, that didn’t just disappear when they stopped spending all of their time together.

“Whatever man.” He’d be lying if he said Evan’s bitterness didn’t catch him a little off guard. “We talk enough. Besides, don’t act like we don’t fucking..” Jared lifted a hand to wave it around for emphasis as he searched for the right word, “like we don’t somehow know an inexplicable amount about each other.”

It was a little too real and Jared hadn’t even really believed it until he said it. Evan paused, sandwich half lifted to his mouth but Jared didn’t want to know whatever thought was forming there, so he started speaking again. If he could do _one thing_ he could take over a conversation at the drop of a hat.

“You’re just mad I’m a parasite with the singular goal to ruin your life.” The words were accompanied by Jared wiggling his fingers and giving his best antagonizing grin. That was a little more like him.

When Evan didn’t respond beyond a roll of his eyes he should have been pleased. Or content at least. He didn’t care for the slight drop in his stomach, _Evan fucking Hansen_ had no right putting that feeling there. So he did what he did best, deflect, because there was some movement on the edge of his vision and _anything_ was better than this conversation. Anything was better than Evan just _not_ looking at him, not responding. Anything was better than that pit in his chest because he needed that attention he needed _something._ Anything.

“Murphy,” he dragged out, closing his laptop and leaning on the table, masking the tenseness in his shoulders. “Lovin’ the new hair length. Very.. school shooter chic.”

Why did he say it. He doesn't know why he said it. 

In that scramble for attention his filter shut off - it was never very strong but it just disappeared. Just spouting the same pathetic, hateful shit he reads online. Just relaying anything that will get gasps or murmurs. Shock value. Everything those edgy people on the forums he browses spit at each other between slurs, his brain was so used to looking at it that now he just _said it._

He sort of felt sick.

The air around them seemed to get thinner and the silence went on for just a second too long. Jared could _feel_ Evan’s panic radiating off of him and he could just imagine the wide-eyed look he’d have on his face. His attention was still on Connor though. He’d stopped in his tracks and turned on his heel to face their table, leaning forward and planting his palms on it. The contact jostled it a bit and Jared was aware of Evan shrinking away in his peripheral.

“Dude.. it’s a joke,” Jared managed, clearing his throat. Keeping his eyes on Connor he twisted to grab his bag, practically shoving his laptop into it. “You’ve heard of jokes right?”

“Oh, I’m laughing, Kleinman.” The words were cold and Jared felt utterly fucking mortified that he let himself fall apart like this in front of Evan. He slung his bag over his back, fixing his overshirt. “Am I not laughing hard enough?”

Jared’s brazenness wasn’t often challenged - most people let him just be the shitty court jester without much pushback. He didn’t really care to know if they were laughing at or with him. But.. when there was no laughter at all he felt the ground crumbling beneath him. An almost choked sound dragged its way out of his throat before he shrank back with a nervous laugh, “you’re.. such a freak.”

With that he was backing up, tater tots left to the wolves. Well, and Evan. He spun around quickly, knowing at the very least there were too many witnesses for Evan to get murdered on the spot. So he wouldn’t have to be guilty about that, at least. Not that he was feeling guilty about much of anything, Evan wasn’t even part of the exchange. If anything _he_ was the one who should probably be looking over his shoulder after painting a target on his back. Not that he _would_ because looking back was just a rookie mistake. He’d come to learn that over the years.

* * *

It seemed like he’d make it out alive. Well, not that he’d truly had doubts, Connor sort of gave him a more bark than bite vibe. Actually, scratch that. There was a bite, but it didn’t come often. There was the printer story - _everyone_ knew the printer story. But.. besides that? He saw Connor shove someone once in gym class. A yappy dog who lashed out when he was cornered? Maybe.

There were better things to do than psychoanalyze Connor fucking Murphy, though. Like drive home and lay around in boxers until his mom forced him downstairs for dinner. The final bell had rung nearly ten minutes ago, the parking lot would be clear enough by now. He used to make the mistake of leaving early until the traffic buildup caused some freshly licensed sophomore to rear end him. While his repairs were covered that didn’t help how pissed he was, the bruise across his chest stayed for nearly two weeks.

As he crossed the empty halls to the main exit he nearly saw his life flash before his eyes - Connor Murphy tore out of a room, the main computer lab, footsteps echoing from those obnoxious boots. They met eyes briefly and Jared had to try and reassure himself, _more bark than bite._ It seemed like he was right, they both looked caught off guard from the near collision and Connor was turning on his heel, disappearing down the hall with a piece of paper clutched in his hand. Huh.

Really, Jared didn’t have time to unpack whatever _that_ was because he had an appointment with his bed - formally known as a nap. Shaking his head he just held onto the straps of his backpack and started walking again. There was a squeak of shoes on the linoleum behind him but he couldn’t be bothered to look for the source. If he took time out of his day to investigate every abrasive noise the world threw his way, well, he’d never get anywhere.

Once he made it outside he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders just from the sight of the nearly empty parking lot. Day one. The weight returned as he crossed the lot towards his car, putting his bag in the passenger seat, only far too many months left to go. The notion was exhausting, high school was exhausting, the thought of having to see the same people every day was exhausting. It went beyond Evan, it really did, well - more like they were two different things. Going to school with the same group of people from grade school onward and being incapable of ever really _knowing_ any of them was.. disheartening. Contrary to what his actions might reflect it went beyond Evan. He’d just already closed himself off from his peers, there was no use dwelling. Dwelling on Evan was all he _could_ do, until that last tie was severed.

* * *

Jared’s pantsless browsing - _no, not like that_ \- was interrupted by an all too familiar notification noise. A box popped up in the bottom corner of his screen, _Evan is calling._ For second Jared stared at his little icon next to his name, a little picture of a bulbasaur. It had been the same for the last three years. After his moment of hesitation he clicked the green accept button.

“Jared-” Evan sounded breathless and he looked the part. Jared couldn’t help but wonder if he ran home. Despite the shoddy image quality he could see his forehead shining with sweat. “Connor.. uh, Connor Murphy- I don’t know what to d-do, mm, I.. He just-”

“Christ,” barely even a minute in and he was pushing up his glasses to rub at his face, sinking down into his pillows. “From the top. Make it coherent this time.”

“Okay. Um, okay. I was.. um, in the computer lab and, well, Connor was there- was there, too. I had to print.. mm, print a letter to myself. He, well, he took it.”

“A letter.. to yourself?” Jared saw his own fuzzy image in the corner of the screen, how he stared, dumbfounded. Arched eyebrows, nose scrunched up a little. Suddenly, though, his little run in with Connor was making more sense. “What the crap does that even mean? Like some weird sex thing?” 

“No! That’s.. no. It’s- it was an.. um, assignment?”

“Is that a question?”

Silence filled the call, well, aside from the low crackle of white noise. For a minute he just watched Evan squirm in his seat, rubbing at his neck a little harshly. Finally he relented with a short sigh.

“Okay, why are you telling me this?”

“You’re.. well you’re my only..” There was a beat of hesitation where Evan’s gaze dropped and his volume lowered, “family friend.”

Jared tried to tell himself that hearing it relayed back didn’t hurt that little bit. Instead he drew his brows down and gave his derisive smile, a disbelieving laugh falling from his lips, “oh my god.”

“I need it back,” Evan’s voice was practically a whine as he shoved past Jared’s dismissive nature, “do.. do you think he’s gonna, um, show it to- to people?”

“Probably,” he tried to sound disinterested, rolling his eyes, “dude’s like.. a ticking time bomb.”

Even as he said it he wasn’t sure how much he really believed it. Unless Evan had done something to _provoke_ him he wasn’t sure Connor would do shit. The guy was an asshole but he didn’t really seem like a monster. But.. with the way Evan was acting maybe he _had_ provoked him, considering how terrified he looked. It seemed far fetched though, he couldn’t even imagine Evan being able to make eye contact with the guy.

“He.. he could like, ruin.. ruin my life.”

“I probably would too,” Jared let out a humorless laugh, directing his attention to stare down at his nails as he picked at his cuticles. He was lying through his teeth and hoping that it was convincing enough.

It must have been because Evan let out a strangled noise, biting at his nails. “Jared.. I just.. I’m-”

“Dude,” he gave an exasperated sigh, letting his head drop back against the pillows, “just chill out. You can’t do anything about it. You’re just going to have to live with it.”

“I..” Evan swallowed thickly, seemingly resigning to his fate. Or at least realizing arguing it further with Jared was pointless. “Alright.”

“Just go take a bath or jerk off or something. Chill out,” he repeated the sentiment. Evan flushed at the crudeness and just rolled his eyes.

“Bye Jared.” There was something decisive in his tone and it left a bitter taste in Jared’s mouth. Something about this new attitude that Evan had rubbed him the wrong way - since when did he start deciding shit? Since when was he the one to walk away?

Brows creasing with distaste Jared just switched back to his browser, going back to scrolling through tweets. All he could do was try to forget the panic in Evan’s eyes, the waver in his voice. There was nothing to be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know its not explicitly referenced in chapter one (i might add it in later) but just know jared listens to this playlist on his way to school will roland said it himself and made this playlist so- https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ostSpAhxxFd81PS6TaecY?si=877uSRhURLC-NWRAmUl22Q  
> i couldnt hunt it down before i wrote chapter one but just know that will roland really went there

The funny thing was that.. fuck. He was starting to sound like Evan. Well, maybe he already did, proximity did that. They always sort of shared some mannerisms and patterns. All of this was besides the point. The point being: there  _ was  _ something that could be done about Evan’s situation.

It just wasn’t something that Jared particularly  _ wanted  _ to do. Or.. relished. He didn’t relish the idea. That was it. It was sort of his attitude towards most things. There were so many things he did because his parents told him to, school things he did because he just had to, and things.. because Evan. Just vaguely, ambiguously Evan. He could tell himself that he didn’t want to help him, that Evan was some sort of long standing obligation, the list of excuses went on and on. That didn’t change that fact that every time Evan came running to him with a problem he was already thinking of an answer.

This time Jared could only really come up with one plan of action and, again, he didn’t relish the thought of it. Instead it just sort of made his stomach twist and he couldn’t help but wonder how Evan dealt with these feelings day in and day out. There was one thing going for him, though.

Connor Murphy was sort of MIA.

While this didn’t necessarily bode well for Evan it did mean Jared’s plan  _ couldn’t  _ go into action. It did set back his main objective though, because for all three days that Connor didn’t show up to school.. Well, to put it simply, Jared had three busy nights. It became a little routine, Evan would call him up and Jared found himself clicking the answer button. He told himself it was a reflex. Besides, it was early in the year, they hadn’t really  _ seen  _ each other all summer so the first week back was going to be weird. It would all blow over before the fall and he could just get back on track. Evan would go back to not needing him and he could just slip away.

Huh?

Jared jerked his head up from where he’d been staring at his desk. That was not a road he was going down, he was  _ not  _ going to entertain that thought at all. All of his feelings were neatly packaged up in his little plan to firmly, and finally, separate himself from Evan. None of this  _ want  _ and  _ need  _ shit  _ needed  _ to come into play. 

Shutting that thought down he begrudgingly let himself focus on class, trying to keep his eyes from unfocusing as he watched math formulas get scrawled over the whiteboard. His fingers moved to absentmindedly fold the corners of the pages of his textbook. It was before noon on a Friday - he really didn’t need this. 

* * *

“Connor’s here,” Evan’s voice wavered as he placed his palms on Jared’s lunch table. His backpack was still firmly on his back, no lunchbox in sight. There was no way he was sitting down to eat lunch. His voice was pleading and he was clinging to the hem of his sweatshirt tightly. Jared couldn’t help but note the fact this was the fourth day in a row that Evan wore a sweatshirt. In August. The right sleeve was bunched up while the left covered his cast. Definitely weird. Or maybe he was just embarrassed that no one signed it - that sounded like Evan.

“Yeah, he goes here.” If Jared was better at being a friend in any capacity he might have packed up his own stuff and followed Evan once he realized this interaction was going nowhere and made his escape. Instead he just let Evan make his frustrated little noise before turning on his heel and heading off down the hall, head down.

To be fair he did pack up his computer and hefted his bag over one shoulder, scanning the tables before cradling his tater tots in one arm and practically marching to his destination. Evan’s little tip was now the catalyst. He wasn’t a good enough (family) friend to chase him down the hall and keep him from having a panic attack but his ‘help Evan’ gene wouldn’t let him sit still and finish his lunch like a normal person. No, here he was, crossing the lunchroom to plant himself right outside the lion’s den.

Though, it looked as if the lion got some work done on his mane.

It wasn’t necessarily too drastic, he didn’t go for the nice well-to-do boy haircut at least (short all around, faded up into a nice length on top with a nice little quiff.. or something). He still looked a little messy, he could probably blend in with the scene.. well, scene, if he wanted to (not that he’d seen a scene kid in a few years). The sides were a little shorter but there was still enough for him to brush over an impressive sidebang. For what it was worth it looked a little more modern than the emo scene from when they were in middle school, less covering his eyes and more tastefully flopped over. Not that Jared would twist any of these thoughts into a compliment.

“Did you cut your hair for me? I’m flattered.” If he was anything, Jared Kleinman was a little too daring for his own good, flying a little too close to the sun. It was the only thing he knew though, any apologies and genuine talk would sound insincere. Especially now.

When there was no response he just rolled his eyes and set his tater tots down on the table. He stayed standing for now, just in case he needed to make his escape. It looked like he was just going to have to get right into it, no playing games.

“Alright, I’ll lay this out in simple terms. Evan Hansen, y’know him? About yea high,” he lifted a hand and wiggled it just a few inches above his own head, “something about him makes you just wanna get under his skin? I’m going to need that note back. I get it, he’s got this weird ass crush on your sister but he’s going to literally combust at this rate. So.. just hand it over, no harm no foul. We can all just forget about it.”

“What is he? Your boyfriend?” Connor didn’t even lift his head from where he was looking at his phone. Jared sputtered a bit, a sudden wave of paranoia washed over him. Did he do something to make Connor say that? “Tough shit. What’s he need it for?”

For a second Jared just found himself dumbfounded, Connor had just glossed over it like it was nothing. Okay. He could do that. Shrugging off his bag he cautiously lowered himself onto the seat across from Connor’s own. Everything about him was careful and deliberate for once.

“He’s a chronic mess,” Jared said, rolling his eyes before shoving a tater tot in his mouth, “he’s gonna fucking explode unless he gets it back.”

“So why isn’t  _ he  _ asking for it, if it’s so important?”

Jared had to laugh at that - and he did, covering his mouth with a hand to prevent any bits of tater tot from getting on the table. He choked a little trying to swallow it all down and tapped against his own chest as he coughed.

“I told you, he’s a mess. Besides, he’s kind of terrified of you.”

“And you’re not?” This time Connor looked up and Jared returned his gaze. For a second they just.. looked at each other.

To be fair Jared wouldn’t use  _ terrified.  _ Wasn’t everyone a little offput when guys raised their voices and were aggressive? Didn’t that activate a fear response in everyone? There really wasn’t time to sit and unpack that. Besides, right now Connor seemed like an actual human person. This was something he could handle.

“Look, just give me the note and we’ll be all cool.” He tried to keep the demands a little nonchalant to hide his nerves. Biting his tongue he just tried to keep remembering:  _ more bite than bark.  _ Connor didn’t look.. angry. He was just, well, looking at him. They both probably looked a little lost, a little confused. The whole exchange was really out of nowhere.

“No can do.” The moment passed as quick as it happened and Connor was looking down at his phone again. Jared couldn’t really tell what he was doing and snooping probably wouldn’t help his case. He should’ve just walked away, should’ve shrugged and said he gave it his best shot. But.. he didn’t.

“C’mon, man.” With an exasperated noise he propped an elbow up on the table, leaning his chin on his hand. “Look, I’m sorry for Monday. It was a little tasteless, even for me.”

Despite the tone it was the most sincere sentiment he could muster. At least in the given circumstances.

“Alright.” 

Jared leaned back and threw his hands up in defeat with a groan. He wasn’t sure, but it almost seemed like Connor’s lips briefly twitched into an amused little grin. It all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. That was interesting.

“Look,” Jared held his hands up, gesturing a little as he laid out his offer, “I can get you some vodka. Unless you’re more of a rum guy? My parents have some of the good shit and they haven’t touched the liquor cabinet basically since I was born. They wouldn’t notice shit.”

“I’m set with some good old drug usage,” Connor quipped flatly, rolling his eyes to himself. “You know alcohol fucks with a growing mind.”

Who would’ve guessed Connor Murphy had a sense of  _ humor? _

“Murphy,” frustration was creeping into Jared’s tone as he got up, shouldering his bag once again, “I swear, there’s going to be  _ something  _ and once I find out what that is I’m getting that fucking note.”

“Sure thing, Kleinman.”

There was nothing else said as Jared just backed away from the table, leaving his last few tater tots behind. The whole thing just seemed so.. subdued. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he’d just talked to  _ the  _ Connor Murphy or some figment of his imagination. Nothing went wrong, even if it didn’t go right. That had to be a good sign, though. Didn’t it?

* * *

**Hansen 🔪**

_ August 20th, 4:02 pm _

did you notice anything? i havent seen anything at all  
i even checked like twitter and stuff but i dont know

dude ur fine  
i dont think he gives a shit enough to even do anything

but he still HAS it and  
yknow? thats like  
the worst

hes prolly got more important things to worry about than the weirdo whos obsessed with his sister  
like drugs and not dropping out or smthn  
seriously i dont think he gives a fuck

im not obsessed with her  
whatever dude  
i just have a bad feeling

u ALWAYS have a Bad Feeling dude  
chill

* * *

If anyone asked he did  _ not  _ check his phone every few minutes for the next two hours. It was just  _ weird  _ that Evan was the one leaving him on read and not the other way around. Suddenly everything was just a little off kilter and Jared didn’t take kindly to all the changes. He knew he could keep the conversation going if he wanted but..

Connor’s comment kept coming back to him - the idea of Evan as his  _ boyfriend. _

Why had that made him so weak in the knees?

Folding his hands over his stomach he just stared up at his ceiling. He focused on the little model Jupiter that was directly over him. All of 7th grade he was sure it was going to fall on him in his sleep, obviously it never did. Evan always said it was cool, speaking quietly from where he laid next to Jared. Above him dangled a crooked model of Saturn. They’d fall asleep like that, staring at the glowstars and dangling planets, shoulders touching. 

Remembering it made his skin warm, made his fingers twitch until he gave in and picked at his cuticles. His brain was doing sprints between thoughts, pinballing around hopelessly. It would be weird, kissing Evan. Holding his hand. He wasn’t.. gay. Not that there was anything wrong with that.  _ He  _ didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. Seeing representation in media and everything always made him feel.. nice. It was like seeing a friend finally succeed at something, right? It was like watching Evan finally beat a level in  _ Super Mario 64. _ Seeing two guys being able to kiss on some show was exciting because it just meant society was growing. There was nothing personal tied to it, but he could appreciate it. Despite his general aura and the opinions his parents had tried to force onto him he was a staunch ally - if people like his parents could get married then why couldn’t gay people?

That didn’t make him gay or anything.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its almost 5am oops sorry if i missed typos

It only took a week for Jared to feel like he made _some_ sort of progress. It was like the little bar lurched forward to a solid 5% - after sitting at 0% for so long that little bit meant so much more.

It really was a wonder he didn’t get absolutely fucking obliterated for being a geek, huh?

Like clockwork he dropped into the seat across from Connor, the paper tray that held his tater tots making a dull slap as he all but tossed it down. There was already a dent in them - the line had been slow and he’d eaten a good half of them by the time he made it to the register. The whole time he stood there, shuffling along in line, he’d scanned the cafeteria. No sign of Evan. For the fifth day in a row. He tried to quash the buzz of concern in his chest. There wasn’t any need to fret about Evan skipping lunch because soon it wouldn’t matter. In fact, Evan’s absence made it that much easier for him to place himself at Connor’s table day after day.

Monday and Tuesday had been total busts. Connor kept earbuds in the whole time, picking apart chicken tenders. Jared could handle the silence - it wouldn’t seem that way but he really could. Just as easily as he could run his mouth and take up space he could bury his nose in his laptop and busy himself with repetitive, mindless work.

They talked a little on Wednesday. Jared tried a different approach, bonding over a mutual hate of something. He’d prattled on about how utterly boring the readings were for AP Lit while Connor would breathe out a humorless laugh every few sentences. It wasn’t until the end of lunch that he’d mentioned he was in AP Lang - not Lit. There was something about the way he’d just let Jared back himself into a corner the whole time without cracking and ridiculing him over his lack of knowledge. He easily could’ve but he _didn’t.._ Well, in the end he was a little impressed and a little intrigued by the fact that Connor had just put up with his incessant rambling.

On Thursday Connor didn’t have any food, he was scribbling in a little Moleskine when Jared rolled up and made his presence known. It was closed and tucked away before he could even process what he’d seen. Instead of getting hung up on it he just gestured towards Connor’s messenger bag, criticizing his taste in Pokemon pins. For a second he’d seemed caught off guard by the fact Jared was paying something of his any attention. Especially a single small pin hidden amongst plenty of others. Any openness or confusion on his face was quickly masked by a flat stare, paired with his usual responses, made up of as few words he could manage.

Had it really been a full week?

The second Friday of the school year and the second Friday he’d set aside to face Connor Murphy for Evan’s sake. Honestly he’d expected this whole thing to just end - it made him wonder how bad the note really was if Connor wouldn’t just give it up. It would be easy to get Jared off his back. All he needed was the note. Not to mention that the longer it went on the weirder his stomach felt. Some stupid thing he was doing for Evan had now lasted a week. They weren’t even actual friends, Jared didn’t even _want_ to be his.. friend. So why was he doing this?

“I mean business, Murphy.” Every time he said his last name it got a little more condescending - vastly different from the amused ‘Hansen’ he liked to hit Evan with. Jared tipped his head down, giving him a hard stare over the top of his glasses. “You can end this if you just give me the note.”

“Or what? Here, guess what,” Connor leaned down to grab his bag before pocketing his phone as he stood up, “look. This is me ending it.”

With that he was walking away and Jared knew he probably shouldn’t be that surprised. As much as he hated it, he knew it was exactly something he’d do and he couldn’t help but commend him a little bit. The ball was in his court. It was just back to the drawing board. Or, at least it would be if someone wasn’t sliding into the seat next to Connor’s just recently vacated one.

“Why are you talking to my brother?” Something about Zoe’s presence was oddly commanding in a way that Jared hadn’t expected. Thinking on it, he wasn’t even sure what he could’ve expected - he’d really never given her much thought. In his head she was just this sort of far off person, worlds away from him. All he knew was things he’d been told in passing by Evan. Which, despite his apparently overwhelming crush.. he’d never really said too much about her. The only things he’d heard that stuck with him were ‘nice’ and ‘pretty’. Pretty he could believe, even if she wasn’t his type. Nice? He supposed he was about to find out.

“He has something I need.”

As soon as he said it he realized how weird it sounded - a little ominous and if he’d been trying it even could’ve come across a little.. Well, even if he did like guys Connor wasn’t his type.

“What? Are _you_ the secret boyfriend he was toting around?” There was something accusatory there and Jared had _not_ expected her to be so brash and forward. It made him feel a little itchy, even Connor hadn’t necessarily been this confrontational, and without thinking he was already searching for an exit. Jared wasn’t a coward or anything, confrontation just.. made him fidgety. “Did he keep one of your hoodies or something?”

“Huh?” The confusion was genuine and Zoe seemed to take it in stride, shoulders relaxing. Her hands were folded carefully on top of the table and the stiffness disappeared as he played with one of the rings on her hand. 

“Never mind. And don’t tell people about that.” Her gaze hardened but she dropped it to look at the table. “He’s a dickhead but I’m not here to out him.”

“Got it, you’re fuckin’ crystal,” Jared said - a slight hesitance there because he was still utterly confused. What did Zoe care if he talked to Connor?

“What did, well, what does he have that’s yours?” This time she softened a little instead, lifting her head a little to meet his eyes. Again it was sort of jarring - and he thought Connor was confusing. Zoe was oddly intimidating yet.. she seemed content to back off once there was no threat. He just couldn’t figure it out and he hated that. Over all their years Jared had gotten fairly good at being able to pick Evan apart and figure him out. This whole exchange was so vastly different. “I could get it for you maybe.”

“No,” he said it quickly and he was just as surprised as Zoe was at the fact. If she didn’t know about the note then he wasn’t sending her to fetch it. Whatever it said.. well, as far as he knew it said _something_ about Zoe and the whole point of him getting it back on his own was to spare Evan any more mortification than he was already battling. If Zoe helped he would be making it ten times worse. There had to be a normal way to turn her down without sounding suspicious as fuck. “Just- it’s not mine alright? It’s Evan’s - uh, Evan Hansen? And it’s personal. He doesn’t even know I’m doing this. He’s just a nervous fucking wreck and he’s freaked over that fact that Connor took it and.. Shit.”

Well, it wasn’t a normal way of turning down her offer but it wasn’t suspicious. At least it wasn’t suspicious as far as Zoe’s involvement, it sure as hell sounded suspicious as far as his own intentions. Not that he _had_ intentions. It just sounded like it.

“It’s fine,” Zoe’s voice was softer now, “you won’t tell and I won’t tell.”

“Right.” Jared wasn’t sure if he just didn’t interact with many people or if Zoe just wasn’t like most people. They fell into a silence, both fidgeting with their hands. 

“Let me know if I can help, I guess?” Now she was shifting, moving to stand back up. It shouldn’t have surprised him, it wasn’t like they were suddenly buddies because he’d been incessantly bothering Connor for a week. For a second he just looked up at her, standing by, as if they were both waiting for something.

“I guess,” Jared was talking before he could register it and a slight warmth rose to his face, he couldn’t believe he was saying what he was, especially considering there was no little grins, no sardonic tone, “Evan’s just been sort of a mess. We haven’t.. been talking a ton and he hasn’t been around lunch. If you could just sort of _inconspicuously_ make sure he’s still a marginally functioning person.. yeah.”

The look she fixed him with made him squirm a bit. So, yeah, maybe that was a bit weird and it came out a bit clunky but it was the most genuine thing he’d said in _months._ Jared was allowed to care about someone’s well being without wanting to be friends or anything still. Though, Zoe looked like she thought she knew something that Jared _didn’t_ and he didn’t take kindly to being visually dissected in the middle of the school day.

“Right.” There was a hint of a smile there and Jared would kill to know whatever to fuck she thought she’d deduced. “My brother shoved him last week anyways, it won’t be weird to check on him again.”

Again? 

There was no time to pick it apart because she was turning to make her exit. A shrug was her attempt at nonchalance but as she walked away, there was some sort of spring in her step. 

Weird. Everything was really fucking weird.

* * *

**Friend Requests**

Zoe Murphy  
 _No mutual friends_

[Confirm] [Delete]

* * *

**Zoe Murphy** **  
**Active Now

_August 27, 4:33 pm_

you were right  
i knew he was awkward but jesus  
caught him at the end of the day

shit hey  
yeah ev?  
hes sorta the embodiment of human suffering

* * *

All he could do was try not to be disappointed when there was no response for a good hour. On one hand he didn’t expect much - on the other _she_ had messaged him first. It was sort of weird to leave him on such a cliffhanger. Not to mention that it was related to Evan. Evan who had been giving him a lot of conflicted feelings lately. Evan who.. he missed being around. 

It was just something he’d have to get over, though. It was just better that way.

* * *

_August 27, 5:36 pm_

hah  
yea he sorta is  
i dont know what his normal is but  
he was super twitchy and just talked really fast

yeah he does that  
sounds like his normal  
i guess this backfired  
u dont know his normal and i wasnt there

hah lmao  
seems like it  
he looked alright though  
alive at least

lmfao  
ig thats good enough  
if he didnt look dead on his feet

yea  
stressed and twitchy but like  
still kickin  
welp moms making gluten free enchiladas   
see ya next week dude

shit yeah  
see ya ✌️

* * *

Even if only a little, it put him at ease. Just as he thought, Evan was alright without him, there was no need to worry about him in their split. (Split, god, it did sound like they were a couple.) Not that he’d thought Evan would be particularly affected by his absence. Maybe being alone would suck for him but, hey, Alana had talked to him the first day of school. Regardless, _Jared’s_ specific absence wouldn’t mean anything. Evan was fine - and he was fine, too.

If _anything_ came out of this, maybe Zoe could just start talking to him. That way he’d have someone and, well, Jared would get to be his little matchmaker from the sidelines. Evan would get a nice little relationship and Jared would get the fuck outta Dodge. There was something about that that made his skin crawl, though, there was something about the thought of Evan and Zoe dating that left a sour taste in his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we back babeyyy

“You sure talk about him a lot for someone who doesn’t fucking speak to him.”

Connor’s words sort of caught Jared off guard and he furrowed his brows, stopping in the middle of whatever story he’d launched into. Whatever  _ Evan  _ story he’d launched into. It only took a second of reflection to realize that, yeah, every story he had that he found worth telling usually came back to Evan in some way. And.. wait-

“I don’t  _ not  _ talk to him,” Jared said quickly. Sure, he was working on phasing Evan out (for everyone’s benefit) but that was different. He answered Evan’s texts with carefully crafted responses that were meant to shut down attempts to open up the dialogue. He even waved in the hall. They only had one class together, not talking at school wasn’t weird or anything.

“Well you don’t eat lunch with him anymore.”

“We never really ate lunch  _ together,  _ dude.” Which, to be fair, was mostly true. Jared usually ate alone and the fact that Evan had joined him the first day - and the following three Connor had been gone - sort of caught him off guard. “You don’t know shit.”

“Sure.” That smile was back, barely noticeable. It made Jared’s eye twitch, like Connor was self satisfied with himself over  _ something.  _ Jared would kill to know whatever he thought he’d figured out. “Still, you talk about him more than to him.”

“Since when do you know who I talk to?”

Connor was saved from Jared’s presence by the bell ringing - of course. Every time that Jared felt like he was getting close to some sort of answer or some new piece to the puzzle that he was it was like something had to pop up or go wrong. Before he could bolt after him and pester him all the way down the hall people were crossing in front of him, cutting the path to Connor off. Whatever. He needed to focus on class anyways. Well, he didn’t really need to, he was doing decent (more than decent) and could stand to have a few distractions but.. Connor was gone. He was by himself in the middle of the cafeteria. Something familiar enough.

Dropping his paper tray in the trash - void of tater tots but stained with grease - he just shifted his backpack up on his back and turned on his heel to shoulder through kids on his way to class. As he walked he dug his phone out of his pocket, contemplating for a minute before unlocking it and pulling up his messenger app.

* * *

**Zoe Murphy** **  
** Active 2 hours ago

_ September 3rd, 12:06 pm _

ur brother sucks  
he knows ill leave him alone if he just fuckin  
gives me the Thing right  
like  
on fuckin g-d bro

Honestly he wasn’t really sure what he was even expecting, Zoe had taken him seriously and stayed removed from the situation. Jared was pretty sure that Connor wouldn’t even talk to her about the whole stupid situation if they managed to have an actual conversation. He was antsy though, it just didn’t make sense - if he was given an easy out to not have to interact with himself ever again  _ he  _ would take it. Pocketing his phone he just lowered his head and practically barreled down the hall.

Shrugging his bag off he dropped into his seat in Spanish. There was still a good few minutes until the bell rang so he tugged his phone back out, giving himself something to focus on. If he was staring at his phone he didn’t have to think too hard about Evan who would inevitably be showing up in the next minute and carefully placing himself into his own seat across the room. For once he was grateful for seating charts.

* * *

**Zoe Murphy** **  
** Active now

_ September 3rd, 12:08 pm _

lmao  
thats what you censor?

not gonna explain myself  
jewish thing

you just explained yourself dumbass

fuck off

you texted me

yea ur brother sucks

ig yea  
hes been worse tho  
he like actually went to his therapy appointment my mom made  
havent really like talked to him in like 2 weeks tho  
before it goes to ur ego i dont think it has anything to do w you  
but he hasnt said anything fucking shitty to me  
and he eats dinner with us  
dunno why im telling you this actually

oh  
nah dude its chill  
thats good?  
dunno i dont have a sibling lmao

hm  
yeah  
it is good  
bells ringing pay attention in class asshole

fuck offfffffffffff  
im a senior  
no rules

btw  
you should talk to evan  
hes like  
i dunno he like looks like a fucking wreck today

u saw him?

* * *

As soon as he sent it she was already back offline. For a second he contemplated deleting it - the perks of messaging apps over texting - when he realized how desperate it would probably come across. Before he could do anything there was a voice begging to cut through the fog of his brain but all his focus was scattered. All he knew was that his teacher was talking, she was always so monotone that he wanted to slam his head on the desk. Instead he just tuned her out. They didn’t go to any sort of prestigious school, at the end of the day he’d get his homework worksheet and he’d knock it out around midnight without thinking twice about it. School was all about brute force for him.

Well, mostly. There was something it didn’t really work for: group projects. All the collaboration and planning and communication didn’t really mesh with his whole  _ thing.  _ Not to mention he wasn’t that goody smart kid either, so they never just dropped all the work on him and expected it done. Which would be easy enough, really. No, instead Jared Kleinman was a shambling mess of high school stereotypes crammed in a trench coat - class clown meets slacker meets honor roll. No one really knew what to do with him. He didn’t blame them.

Twisting in his desk he went to look to his left as he tuned back into reality - like ‘group project’ was his sleeper activation phrase - he was sort of lost in a world of blurs. Everyone was moving around, finding their friends. For the last three years he’d only done work with Evan (in Spanish, that was), most kids were privy to this knowledge and so they backed off. Not like anyone was  _ desperate  _ to work with him, just the occasional scramble before deciding sometimes left kids glancing his way. And then, inevitably, Evan would always slip into the seat next to him.

Like he was doing now. 

Had they really not actually talked in almost two weeks?

“Hey.” Evan gripped the edges of his desk, jerking a bit in the seat to urge it to scoot across the floor a few inches to face Jared’s on an angle. His voice was nearly lost in the sea of squeaks made by everyone else doing the same thing. There was still time to slam his forehead onto the desk. He decided against it solely on the grounds that Evan would give him that little nervous look, like he was actually concerned.

“Yo.”

“Is- just.. could- would you-” Evan’s hands were clenched into fists, shoulders hunched as he shoved them between his thighs, practically sitting on them. Probably to hide the shaking. Jared half expected his lip to be bleeding once he stopped biting down on it to try and force out whatever his sentiment was - not that he was looking at Evan’s lips. “Project. Could- could we work together?”

“Mhm,” it was just a hum, nearly lost in all the rabble. A glance out of the corner of his eye showed him how Evan grimaced, ducking his head a bit. The shame that coiled up in his chest threatened to suffocate him but he just had to remind himself that it was going to turn out fine. Probably not  _ great,  _ but fine. Then one day high school - and Evan - would just be little ticks on the timeline of his life. The darker parts of his brain really questioned how long the timeline would even be but Spanish class really wasn’t the time to be thinking about his own demise.

“Do you, um,” the words faltered and Jared was sure that Evan’s gaze was trained on how he reached for his phone, shielding it so he wouldn’t get in trouble, blatantly not paying attention to the open book on his desk. It wasn’t like anyone else was getting shit done in class, he wasn’t exactly itching to throw anything together. “You could c-come over- uh, if you want. I mean, so we can- so we can work on this?”

“‘m busy tonight.” The statement came easily - though, he used ‘statement’ loosely. It was closer to a  _ lie.  _ There was a shred of truth that he clung on to at least, his mom had been trying to talk college shit with him for the last two weeks. Something he’d dutifully dodged. Whether or not he’d actually follow through.. well, that was sort of up in the air. 

“Oh.” It shouldn’t have made Jared’s chest ache as much as it did. But.. he, well, part of him wanted to just say yes. To flop onto Evan’s bed while he sat in his desk chair and they hashed out logistics. To be close again. It just wasn’t in the cards, though. “Right.”

There was enough conviction in Evan’s voice that Jared wondered if he expected to immediately get turned down.

“Kleinman household’s fucking popping, dude. Y’know?” Jared was sure he  _ didn’t  _ know but he was sort of also trying to convince himself a little. He didn’t even know why he was trying to defend himself because it wasn’t like Evan was challenging him - he just looked sad. Okay, well, was it weird to not like when Evan looked sad? Just because he was making his exit from their friendship didn’t mean he  _ hated  _ him or anything. Again, a part of him  _ missed _ him, even.

And now he was just justifying his justification to  _ himself.  _ Just just just.

“Um, yeah. Well we have- we’ve got, like, a week for this. So we could, uh, we could just do it.. later.”

“Yeah bro,” it came out a little stilted and Jared kept his gaze pointedly stuck to his phone, scrolling through twitter aimlessly. He just just needed to keep his focus on something else because if he saw that look Evan had on his face he might crack; the same way he cracked when Evan came to him for help after losing his note. And look where that got him, still tangled up in that, like, three weeks later. “I’ll share a document with you, then we can both just work on it whenever.”

“Yeah,” Evan parroted, his voice small. When Jared glanced at him he could see him practically squirming in his seat before ducking his head to pretend to read something in his textbook.  _ Pretend, _ because Jared could tell - he knew that far off look.

* * *

**Zoe Murphy** **  
** Active Now

_ September 3, 12:21 pm _

i see him in the mornings  
he hides in the hallway by the band room  
sort of bumped into him dropping my guitar in my locker  
now i sit with him before the bell

ah  
yeah

youre the one who told me to check on him  
if youre jealous just talk to him lmao  
i can be his friend too

dude  
im not jealous or w/e

just sayin  
pay attention to class asshole

no u

jazz band  
taking a break

🖕

* * *

There was some sort of vague noise trying to break through to Jared’s brain, he quickly locked his phone and jerked his head up. Evan was holding out a piece of paper towards him, it waggled a little from how his hand shook. It set off all of Jared’s empathy alarms and he tried to shut it all down before the sprinklers got set off. Tucking his phone into his pocket he took the paper, immediately focusing in on it. His brain wasn’t taking in any of the words - just scanning back and forth - but it was better than looking at Evan.

“Yeah. We can throw info on, like, a document and I’ll put it into slides.” Jared gave a shrug, still scanning the words. Scanning. Scanning. Trying to take anything in, trying to understand anything. His head was pounding.

“Okay, yeah. Yeah.” Evan was nodding, practically with his whole body, sort of rocking in his seat. The silence hung in the air and before Evan could scramble to fill the space Jared opened his mouth. When it came to him Jared always had a breaking point, at some point Evan would say just the right thing and Jared would fold. All cards on the table, bluff called. That was the last thing he needed.

“Tell me you can at least handle one presentation without some, like, whole shut down of your nervous system.”

“It’s- yes. It’s not like-”

“Because, y’know, you don't have the best track record.” So cutting him off was an asshole move, but it just sort of came out and Jared could practically feel Evan’s shame flooding his own body. A combination of his regret and his inexplicable emotional empathy when it came to the other. “You know last year when-”

“I know Jared,” Evan’s voice was a bit strangled but there was a shortness to it that only ever really came out around him. It was usually a sign that he’d pushed too far, because while Evan was a pushover he was always able to at least marginally stand up to Jared. “Group projects- group presentations are, well, they’re different. It’s- as long as I have time to- time to practice.”

“Sure.” Another shrug, Jared finally was able to take in some of the words on the rubric. For full points they needed to have no spelling errors and at least five relevant images. They needed to not just stare at notecards the whole time. They needed to take between five and seven minutes. “I’ll have the slides done by, like, Saturday.”

“Alright.”

Jared couldn’t help but have reason to believe that everything about whatever the fuck was going on was  _ not  _ alright - but he tried not to focus on that. Instead he could just think about the fucking oddity it was that he was talking (friendly?) with Zoe Murphy. Or that Zoe Murphy was talking to  _ Evan  _ \- well, yeah no. That made his stomach hurt. It was less weird to think about the fact that this allegedly untouchable (and he’d thought likely, stuck up) girl who was only on his radar as ‘Evan’s weirdass crush’ was.. sort of buddy buddy with him. And she was cool.

Even if the thought of her and Evan (or Evan anyone) in any capacity made him feel.. something.. he supposed he could just take a page from the other’s book for once. Zoe was.. cool. She was fine. She was nice.

Whatever happened would be..

Alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some referenced underage drinking in this chapter also ive been listening to if i could tell her for like three days straight and i couldnt tell ya why

They ended up getting an B+ on their presentation. The only lost points came from Evan’s inability to stop turning back to their projected slides, not so much out of the need for the information but more out of a fear of actually facing the class. Even with the steady presence of Jared at his side and the comfort of knowing he’d practiced Jared _knew_ that all those eyes on him made him feel itchy. When they got their rubric back - red circles and scribbled notes at the bottom - Evan had apologized profusely the whole trip down the hall after the bell rang. He trailed closely after Jared, clutching his cast, chipping paint flakes off of it and-

Huh?

Evan had been wearing hoodies since the first day almost exclusively, maybe with the occasional oversized flannel stretched awkwardly over his cast, but now he was just wearing a polo. In the last three weeks he’d just gotten so used to the sight that Jared hadn’t given the state of his cast a second thought - really he almost forgot Evan even had it. Object permanence issues, etc, etc. 

Regardless, the white plaster was covered in patches of paint, covering up Connor’s name. In retrospect that made a lot of sense, he could practically hear Evan’s train of thought.

> _‘If his name is on my arm and he sees it that will set him off. Anything will set him off. I’ll set him off. I need to hide his name. How do you clean off Sharpie? How do you clean Sharpie off a cast? My cast can’t get wet, I wrap it in the shower. How to cover Sharpie? Can you paint a cast? What are non toxic paint brands? Where do I buy non toxic paint? Are synthetic paint brushes bad? Where do I buy paint brushes? How do I layer paint? How do I paint a landscape?’_

Jared knew he’d end up with 30 tabs open, on his phone or computer or just in his brain. Eventually he’d find the answers he wanted after reading articles for a half hour, maybe more if he got drawn down a rabbit hole reading about primitive paint brushes or obscure painting techniques.

All the apologies had dragged on the whole walk, being lost in thought left Jared silent, not doing anything to quell Evan’s worries. Which meant.. Evan followed him like a lost duckling, trying everything he could possibly say to get Jared to forgive him. _(He wasn’t even mad.)_ As a byproduct he’d practically just walked Jared to his next class. One last glance showed him Evan’s face creased in distress as he ducked into his health class. 

It wasn’t like Jared didn’t expect it, or wasn’t used to it, as soon as he saw the grade he was ready for the barrage of apologies. It wasn’t even _bad,_ but Evan knew it was because of him, he couldn’t help it. Though there was something a little.. _more_ about it this time. Like he was scared. Scared of.. what? Jared?

Yeah, real fucking rich.

Mrs. Foster was just going to have to take the backseat in his mind for the afternoon. To be fair he didn’t really pay attention to her most days anyways - a screw up in his schedule freshman year left him cramming health in as a senior which meant he was a professional at bullshitting high school work by this point. Besides, most of it was common sense anyways. 

Lucky for him most of the class was just shitty drug PSA videos, nothing to pay attention to. He could just fix his gaze on a corner of the projector screen and let his mind wander. Even when the lights came up it was nothing much - what an overdose or alcohol poisoning looked like. It was one of those topics they had to talk about but wouldn’t test on because it was just a little too dark. Which translated to: things he wasn’t going to pay attention to because he didn’t need to.

* * *

**Hansen 🔪**

_September 9, 3:22 pm_

sorry about the grade  
the spanish thing  
the presentation

_September 9, 4:06 pm_

i can ask for the grade to be split?  
like so you can get an a still  
since it was me who kinda fucked it up

_September 9, 4:54 pm_

dude i said its nbd  
literally i dont care   
just like chill out its one project

* * *

There was almost something desperate about the string of texts - or just something anxious. Jared knew Evan’s need for approval better than anything and all these little things were making it hard for an amicable separation. Especially since Evan had never particularly gone to _him_ for that approval. 

Fuck - he really kept making it sound like they were some assholes working on their divorce but couldn’t quite accept it. Too many relationship metaphors. Too much brain power dedicated to Evan. He really needed to think about something else. Anything else.

Otherwise he might just give in, feed into their negative feedback loop. He couldn’t crack because they needed to just go separate ways finally. It was a long time coming. Wasn’t it? It was better like that. Evan’s life would be better without Jared.

Maybe he could work on his confidence without someone who couldn’t help but let the stupidest thoughts fall from his mouth. Why did Jared say so _much?_

With a groan he rolled over in bed, closing out his texts. No more thinking.

A nap sounded nice.

* * *

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_September 16, 4:03 pm_

wht shit do u do on the weekend

_Semptember 16, 5:02 pm_

nap?  
why the fukc do u wanna kno

fine fuck you

wait lmao srsly  
why the fuck are u asking

* * *

Jare and Connor weren’t _friends._ They just.. started texting. Not often. But sometimes.

At some point in the last two weeks Connor had stopped just leaving lunch. Zoe seemed to drop hints when they messaged too, comments about Connor. He was actually keeping up with therapy - hell, he was going twice a week last Jared knew.

And it was odd to know.

Odd to have people who talked to him.

Odd to have the Murphys talking to him.

Maybe they were friends.

* * *

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_September 16, 5:07 pm_

you have vodka?

* * *

Something told Jared it was about more than alcohol.

Maybe they were friends.

* * *

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_September 16, 5:13 pm_

yea  
rum? whiskey?   
thought alcohol was gonna like   
taint ur young growing mind

rum  
well my parents keep telling me i need to try new things

is that a JOKE  
did THE connor murphy make a fucking JOKE   
hold on gotta report this   
connor fking murphy tries to be funny   
more at 11

are you done

:/  
yeah

vodka and rum

u got mixers?

yeah

i can do like 10pm?

ill send u the address  
just dont talk to my parents

* * *

Jared felt that one. Or.. thought he did. He couldn’t be sure that Connor also had some compulsive need to hide everything from his parents but it seemed pretty likely. Especially with all the bits of information Zoe had let slip whenever they talked. 

Speaking of.

* * *

**the more cool murphy 🎸**

_September 16, 5:34 pm_

if im found dead in ur basement make sure no one comments rip on my fb

??  
why are you like this

im trusting you w this task

you suck

;p

srsly  
why

ur brother invited me over  
shit he said dont talk to ur folks   
hopefully u werent secretly included in that

idc dude

chill  
uh   
is he gonna like poison me tho like he sorta just   
out of nowhere

no matter how much this pains me  
i think you guys are friends  
i think were friends too?

oh  
huh

what?  
new for you?

fuck off

_September 16, 7:54 pm_

thanks though

??

its not JUST you but  
you sort of helped i think

dude wht in the fresh hell r u going on abt

connor  
like hes trying  
trying to get better and stuff  
like we have actual conversations now?

oh  
yeah i mean   
dont thank Me i didnt really do shit

still

uh yeah  
thats like   
great? tho

just dont bug me when youre underage drinking

aye aye madam

fuck off

* * *

“Shit. Fuck. Motherfucker,” Jared hissed curses to himself as he traipsed through the Murphys’ backyard - in the end Zoe picked him up. They lived across town and having to explain Jared’s car in the driveway the next day was a shitshow none of them wanted part of. Honestly.. it was sort of nice not thinking about dealing with anyone's parents. They always had a way of prying into their kid’s friendships. Not that he didn’t love Heidi. Evan’s mom was a literal ray of sunshine, busy but sort of trying in all the right ways. Regardless he liked the lack of odd expectations. 

Besides, creeping through the damp grass after Zoe and clutching the straps of his backpack made him feel like he was in a teen movie. Even if he kept almost tripping over shrubs that lined the house, shoulders brushing the siding as they closely followed it like a guide.

“Quit being a baby.” Jared didn’t need to look to know she was rolling her eyes. She probably had that little self-satisfied smile too. If he really tried, he could understand why Evan liked her.

They stayed silent the rest of the way, Jared was fine with that. There had been enough vaguely emotional things going on that night. The whole day really. He was really tired of thinking. He just wanted to start drinking. Hah.

When he pulled himself back to the present he noticed he’d fallen back and he sort of scrambled to catch back up to Zoe, creeping in the back sliding door behind her. Without a word Jared followed her lead, reaching down to pull his shoes off. He carried his with him as they made their way upstairs, though - leave no evidence. They parted ways outside Connor’s door, Jared giving a mock salute.

“Wish me luck,” he mouthed it more than spoke it. Zoe just mouthed back a question before seemingly giving up and rolling her eyes. Or maybe she had heard him and gave up on the antics, flashing him a peace sign before disappearing into her own room.

Connor’s room was cleaner than he thought it’d be.

He wasn’t really sure what he even expected, though.

* * *

“So why did..” Jared swirled his cup a little, staring down into it with a frown as if it had personally stolen his train of thought. In a _way_ it had - being drunk sort of did that to him - but it was still just a cup with a little vodka and orange juice. “‘cause you didn’t want alco..ohol before.”

“It was this or weed,” Connor said smoothly, as if that explained him. Jared’s silence must have been enough to urge him on, rolling his eyes he leaned back to lay on the floor, one hand tucked under his head. “I wasn’t going to.. babysit you through your first high.”

“Okay, fair.” Throwing back the last of his drink Jared set the cup down, careful not to knock it over. He’d read plenty of posts online about bad trips anyways, he knew getting drunk. He knew his limits and how he’d react. There was some twisted comfort in it.

That alone was enough for him to pour himself another heavy handed drink. Connor just watched him, silent.

Another drink. Connor sat up, holding a hand out. Jared passed him the rum and his half empty bottle of soda. He drank it a little fast, a lot of alcohol in a short amount of time. Jared just watched. They weren’t going to stop each other.

Connor didn’t stop him when he pulled his glasses off, moving empty cups out of the way. Didn’t stop him when he propped himself up, looking down at him because he’d laid back down again. Didn’t stop him when he harshly bit down on his lip, scrunching up his face before dipping down to all but slam their lips together.

In fact, he kissed back. Hard. 

There was no heart in it, just spit and teeth and the heavy smell of alcohol.

Less than two minutes later Jared was pulling back, rolling away until he was laying too. They were practically shoulder to shoulder. While it wasn’t right it didn’t feel _bad._ It made a pit open in Jared’s stomach. He kissed a guy. He enjoyed it. He liked kissing guys. The thought made his breathing go funny for a second, the only thing keeping him from utterly breaking down was the warm buzz through his blood.

“So you.. do like dudes?”

“Shit,” Jared’s voice wavered, he crossed his hands over his stomach, curling fingers into the fabric of his shirt. An action he’d seen Evan do so many times.

Evan.

“You.. knew that already though,” as Connor said it Jared felt that pit open wider, “didn’t you?”

While his voice was flat and rough there was no malice. Nothing malevolent buried there. A little memory popped up in the back of his head - something Zoe said - about Connor and a boyfriend. Ex? Regardless, he was sure it was what gave him that horrible surge of courage - knowing that Connor wasn’t straight.

“I don’t like you,” was all he could lamely choke out, vision blurry from the lack of glasses and the fuzz covering his brain. It was like he was lost in the fog, no grasp on anything to keep him grounded. Just haze. He just kept his eyes trained on the ceiling.

“Feeling’s mutual.” At least he didn’t sound angry.

The silence settled over them and for a second it was like the suffocating summer heat was back despite the dip into fall temperatures outside.

“Tell me about him.” There was something scarily soft in Connor’s voice and Jared was waiting for the other boot to drop. For a laugh. To be ridiculed.

It didn’t come.

For a second he considered lying, considered all the possible things he could say. He could deflect, he was practically a pro at it. The warm fuzziness that flooded his system had other thoughts, though.

“He’s perfect,” Jared grimaced as soon as it left his mouth. Unfiltered thoughts were not his friend. “I mean.. he’s _not._ Of course he’s not- I could give you a fuckin’ itemized list of all his, like, issues.. but..”

Biting the inside of his cheek he trailed off. He didn’t do this. He didn’t open up or speak his mind or ever vocalize his wishes. But he was drunk and Connor was drunk and they just kissed and he was just realizing that maybe he wasn’t as straight as he’d thought.

As he’d hoped.

“But there’s so much.. good shit. He’s like.. a good person? Or he wants to be. Like, he tries. He just wants to do the right thing,” his voice started small, slowly gaining traction, “he’s got this thing, all these little things like.. Shit. When he writes - pencil on paper, ancient shit, I know - he puts like.. a sticky note under his hand. It’s - he’s left handed. If he doesn’t do it.. it’ll smudge and he hates the feeling? So he always has some on him. And- And he’s been typing anyways since, well, cast..”

There was a slight hiccup and he knew Connor knew now if he didn’t already. Who else would it even be, though?

“He’s been typing instead. But when- he never really learned how to type. He pecks at the keys, especially with his cast. It’s.. he’s so quick at it though? Like, you think he’d be slow but he types faster than me. At least when he knows what he’s writing. He always gets so caught up in his head.. he could stare at a screen for two hours. I’ve seen it! When we had to write a paper on _Romeo and Juliet_ freshman year.”

“He looks at you like you either created oxygen specifically for him or like.. you killed his first pet or something.”

Jared furrowed his brow, not even entirely sure what he was supposed to glean from that.

“Remember.. the whole 'weird ass crush on your sister' thing.”

“You know,” as soon as Connor started Jared was sure he didn’t want to know, “in therapy they tell you all about opening up.. and shit.”

“Did I die?” With a huff he turned his head, eyeing the blurry mass that was (probably) Connor next to him. “There’s no way you’re trying to give me, like, real advice.”

“We’re drunk.”

It wasn’t really much of an answer or explanation because they were fuzzy but coherent. He supposed this was Connor’s way of communicating and.. he couldn’t blame him. Hell, he was doing the same thing. Getting drunk and using it as a reason to finally talk about that _one thing_ that had been plaguing him for.. He wasn’t sure how long.

“I can’t.. like, talk to him.”

Jared could tell the silence was quizzical.

“Again. Weird straight crush on Zoe,” he grimaced, fingers gripping his shirt a little tighter, “and it doesn’t matter. I’m not really talking to him anymore.. like, cutting that tie. Moving on. Getting over it.”

“Yet you still talk about him like every day.”

Even though his mind was hazy Jared could think back and he knew exactly what Connor was talking about. Every offhand comment, every personal story. It came back to Evan somehow.

“It’s like he’s on another planet,” Jared started softly, “there’s so much space between us I can’t- even if we were actually close still. We were bes.. We were friends and I fucked it up.. but, still. There was always some.. some sort of distance? I’m done like.. Like I said, bro, just fuck it. I’m dealing with it.”

“What else about him?”

Jared wasn’t sure if it was an earnest attempt to keep him from getting choked up or some smug little question because if he answered then it would be overtly clear he _wasn’t_ dealing with it.

“He’s gotten the same haircut every year since.. shit. Maybe like since we were twelve? Same person, same cut. One time he had to go somewhere else and they cut it too short.. He was upset about it for like.. two months. He cares about weird things and.. I don’t know. There’s so many little things.” Jared wasn’t even sure where he was going anywhere. “When he’s bored- shit, sometimes even when he’s not.. he’ll put off homework and stuff. Anyways. He’s got like.. a ton of these world record books. All those _‘Believe it or Not’_ ones too. Well, not all of them but.. He’s got a stack of them. He’ll flip through them and find something he hasn’t read about yet and look at it in even more detail and.. He goes on these binges of, like, reading articles and Wiki pages and.. everything. He’s..”

Everything.

“You’re such a dumbass.”

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some not great parenting. nothing overly bad? just a tense confrontation. some implied issues as far as his parents relationship.
> 
> NOTE: ch 2 got minor edits to the scene with connor. hopefully provides more insight to jared.

**alana b**

_ March 12, 4:12 pm _

great job!! :)  
we got a 98%!

hell yea fuckin sick

_ September 22, 5:41 pm _

hey jared!

_ September 22, 7:32 pm _

o shit hey sorry was napping

* * *

There wasn’t really any reason to explain himself - normally he wouldn’t really give a shit about missing texts. He’d respond when he could. Or wanted to. It was Alana, though. Not that they were close, pretty much the opposite. There was just something about her that made him genuinely feel bad for his.. general way of being.

The few times they’d worked on school projects he never needed to overcompensate. They were both adept - hot commodities when the words ‘group project’ were uttered in biology. Not to mention that she actually laughed at his dumb jokes; the plain stupid ones, he didn’t even need to break out the mean ones. So maybe they weren’t close but Jared really did appreciate her. He wouldn’t mind the classification as an acquaintance. 

* * *

**alana b**

_ September 22, 7:38 pm _

oh no worries! i was doing some scholarship essays  
and that project for physics  
so don't apologize :)

ah hell yea dude   
what? did u need smthn when u txted?

oh! yeah. i had a question

aight shoot

i was wondering if you could get in touch with evan?  
hansen! :)  
we’re doing a project in lit and he hasn’t answered his phone since yesterday  
i know you guys are friends so i was just wondering if he’s okay/if you could reach him!

idk were not rlly talking

i’m sorry! :(( that’s alright!  
i know how that feels, drifting is so easy.  
especially at this point in life people change so much.  
anyways! have a good night jared thanks anyways! :)

* * *

Honestly, he felt like he should have seen it coming. It wasn’t like he had any of his own particular charm - it was all fake bullshit he put up. And he hadn’t really tried to keep up the act around Alana. In some way she knew him better than a lot of their other peers. Not like Evan but.. he never really pretended around her.

Not that he blamed her, it just made sense.

It didn’t make him feel much better, though.

Add that to his list of selfish and maybe a little off kilter reasons for driving the last nail into the coffin of his and Evan’s friendship.

Jared Kleinman was an independent variable that could exist without Evan Hansen.

Couldn’t he?

Or was Alana just proving him wrong?

They’d just be intrinsically tied together forever.

It was a sort of scary thought.

Instead of thinking about the implications of some inherent bond with someone he may or may not feel a certain way about, he decided to roll out of bed. Before his feet hit the ground he was already pushing his glasses on, adjusting them on his nose as he shuffled to his desk. When he’d been sleeping the sunlight faded, leaving his room dark. Not bothering with the overhead light he dropped into his desk chair, switching on his lamp instead.

The bulb cast a warm glow over his desk, falling over the back of his hands; they were balled up, fingers pressed against the desktop. His skin was dry - red. His fingers twitched.

Too much thinking.

* * *

**alana b**

_ September 22, 7:51 pm _

ask zoe   
murphy   
she probably knows shit

* * *

As soon as he sent it he set his phone face down, not really sure what pushed him to do it. He wasn’t jealous. Everything going on was following his design. These were all his choices. All part of his plan.

Get out.

But leave Evan with something.

Now he was at least  _ sort of  _ friends with Zoe Murphy. He’d be fine. It wasn’t like he was losing anything with Jared’s absence. He wasn’t even leaving an empty place.

No.

Jared would saunter off and Zoe would take his place.

* * *

For once the house wasn’t empty before Jared left for school. Just barely seven - he was running a little late with his morning routine - but there was still a second car in the driveway. The kitchen light was on. He could hear the coffee machine. He barely caught himself as his step fumbled on the last stair.

“Jared.”

It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t an ‘ _ are you there’,  _ it was steady and firm and collected. His mom was always oddly calm when these things started.

“Mom,” his reply was flat but he ducked his head as he moved to the fridge. For good measure he grabbed one of those  _ stupid  _ breakfast shakes from the fridge. Instead of looking at his mom he gave it a shake, flicking his wrist a little obnoxiously, before cracking it open. Grainy as ever.

“I was online,” there was a pause and Jared could tell it was carefully placed, “sweetheart, what happened in Spanish?”

It’s calculated.

At some point wishes for his well being became overwhelming demands.

At some point he became an outlet for all the other things that couldn’t be controlled in their house.

There were so many things he could say. He could quote the hushed arguments he’s heard when he’d run downstairs to grab himself a soda before heading back to his room. He could ask his mom why she worked so  _ much. _ He could turn the conversation so many ways until they’d both be too tired to address it.

“It’s one project.” There really was no use, they both knew what she was talking about.

“This isn’t like you.”

Jared can’t help but wonder what  _ is  _ ‘like him’. 

“It won’t happen again.” He hadn’t even finished the shake, just dropped it in the trash still half full. He just wanted to leave. Just wanted it to be over because his skin started to feel itchy and nothing felt right.

“Jared.”

All he wanted was to scratch his skin raw. To sit on the floor of a hot shower. To just go to school already.

There’d be no used in explaining. He’d learned that a long time ago. All he could do was nod. Nod and deflect. So he did.

“I swear, mom. It won’t happen again.” It wasn’t really convincing but Jared wasn’t in the game of starting confrontation before he even started his day. Especially not right before he went to school.

Besides, if he started talking he knew he wouldn’t stop talking. Then his mom wouldn’t stop talking. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself from pushing too far and he didn’t want the answers to some of the questions he had.

_ ‘Why are you at work so much?’ _

_ ‘Why don’t you and dad talk at dinner?’ _

_ ‘Why does the guest room look slept in?’ _

So when his mom responded with something vague and open-ended - picking a fight - he said nothing. He grabbed his keys and pulled his backpack on. He headed for the door and kept his head down as he shoved his feet into his shoes. He said nothing.

* * *

“You told Alana to talk to me.”

It wasn’t phrased as a question as Zoe made her way to the lunch table, shrugging her bag off and perching sideways on the seat directly to Jared’s left. 

“Sure,” Jared lifted his head from his idle scrolling on his phone. Connor looked up from his notebook. “More like she asked me about Evan and I said you’d probably know better than me.”

“Like you don’t pay attention to every fucking thing he does, like-”

“I don’t,” Jared hissed in response to Connor’s muttering.

“Right,” Zoe’s tone was unimpressed, unfazed. Jared felt something inside him curling up defensively - they were getting dangerously close to  _ the  _ topic that was meant to be left on its own drunken September night. “Still.”

Out of the corner of his eye Jared saw Connor getting up and he wasn’t sure if he should be annoyed at being left to be confronted by his sister or relieved that he wasn’t going to mercilessly tear into him with an audience. In the end his feelings settled somewhere in the middle, watching Connor duck off down the hall while catching Zoe shifting in his peripheral.

“What’s going on with you two?”

“He’s a fucking ass-” Jared waved his hand in the direction that Connor had slipped away to.

“Not my brother,” her voice was soft. There was so much he could unpack there. Except he was always one to leave a suitcase untouched for weeks after getting home from a trip - he’d rather ignore and keep it all neatly tucked away.

“Not you too,” Jared let out a dissatisfied noise, propping his elbows up on the table he pushed his glasses up to rub at his face.

“Well excuse me for asking,” the softness broke into exasperation and Jared caught movement out of the corner of his eye. Zoe had lowered her hands, picking at the distressing on her jeans, short sharp tugs. “Because  _ both  _ you and Evan just are acting weird as hell.”

“How is that  _ my  _ problem,” before Zoe could answer he was launching into his defense, curling in on himself a little, “he’s a chronic mess, school’s kicking his ass, his mom doesn’t have much money-”

They both winced at that.

“Is something.. going on?” Zoe’s voice was too earnest and Jared hated how welcoming it sounded. He thought about his mom. About their conversation that morning.

Jared kept his mouth shut. He said nothing.

At least until Zoe shifted, turning in her seat to fully face him.

He cracked.

“I’m allowed to stop talking to him I don’t know why it’s gotta be-”

“Jared.”

The way she said his name made it sound like she actually cared.

It winded him.

“So Connor likes guys,” he spoke lowly, carefully. His voice was strained. Zoe’s brows drew together in confusion and Jared took that as his cue to keep talking, “and I think I..”

“Okay.” Zoe seemed to be just as deliberate as she chose her words. “That’s okay.”

Jared almost felt like he could break right there.

“I can’t talk to Evan.” He just decided to let her draw her own conclusions. His admission was enough already and he wasn’t keen on giving up much more. Really, he wasn’t ready. He couldn’t even say any of it out loud yet.

“Okay,” she relented - any fight that was behind her eyes when she’d rolled up to the table was gone. “And.. well, me too.”

“You..” Jared picked at his nails, furrowing his brow a bit as he took it in. They were friends. They really were. The proof was right in front of him, he couldn’t deny himself anymore. “You like guys?”

It came out with a weak laugh, but he was trying.

Jared was  _ trying. _

“Dick,” Zoe grumbled, the seriousness dropped from her tone and she rolled her eyes, “I’m not straight.”

Jared knew that, joking was just easier. Besides, hearing something like that out loud.. he felt sort of warm. It almost spurred him on in a way. After a beat he glanced over his shoulder, surveying the room. No one paid them any mind.

“I’m not straight,” he managed in response, scratching at the back of his hand. It was a weight off his chest, a terrifying weight off his chest.

“I think I’m bi. Maybe pan?” Zoe gave him a slight shrug, tugging on one of her sleeves. Jared couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever said that out loud. As he thought about it he realized it was his turn and he felt his breathing get shallow. He hadn’t given it that much thought. He hadn’t wanted to.

“I don’t.. know?”

“That’s fine.” She sounded so nonchalant and Jared almost wanted to  _ cry.  _ How could it be that easy? It had to be harder. Why wasn’t she pushing him? Why wasn’t she asking him to just pick?

It couldn’t be that easy.

The bell rang. He didn’t catch Zoe’s goodbye but when he came back to reality she was heading off towards the trash to drop her wrappers. Almost robotically he followed her example, dropping his garbage into the trash before turning on his heel and heading to class. At least it wasn’t an A day, he didn’t know that he could really handle seeing-

Evan.

There he was. Of course. Jared ducked his head, dropping his gaze as he moved with the flow of traffic. He tried to give no signs that he’d seen him, clutching onto his bag straps as he walked. He slipped around others, nearly bumping their shoulders.

Evan looked lost, standing in front of the library.

He didn’t have his cast anymore.

Jared supposed that was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally,, a billion years later,, things are gonna start picking up from here on out folks >:)

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_ September 30, 10:43 pm _

bitch

asshole

are you clear or what?

yea is zo picking me up again

literally who else

fuckkkkkkkkkk you

not my type

im literally going to perform a hate crime on u

not unless i do it first

bitch   
wait a hate crime on me or   
on urself

fuck around and find out

* * *

It was still incredibly odd, every time Connor texted him Jared just waited for the punchline. Or punch. Well, not when he  _ texted  _ him. Unless Connor could hit him through the phone. 

Every time he waited for the inevitable break. Because it was  _ Connor freakin’ Murphy,  _ of course it had to be coming. That’s what everyone thought. And said. Jared would be a fool to not believe it, or to at least not make note of it. Like a warning ransom note shoved under his door, magazine clippings spelling out a ‘watch your back’. Besides, he’d  _ seen _ things with his own eyes, he could name at least one occasion where Connor had shoved a kid in gym class. There were more stories too and, well, at least half of them were  _ maybe _ true. He at least had something to go off in his head, it wasn’t completely made up. It wasn’t some outlandish thought but he.. still wasn’t sure exactly what he was afraid of.

Was he afraid?

“Hey loser,” Zoe’s voice cut off his train of thought, he was pulled back to the present and the nighttime breeze suddenly felt a little stronger.

“What’s Connor’s issue?” He wasn’t entirely sure of what prompted him to say it as he dropped into Zoe’s passenger seat. It was just what was stuck on his mind, it refused to just let go when he tried to shake it off. His backpack felt heavy where he’d set it on his sneakers in the footwell.

“What’d he do?” Something hesitant crept into her tone and she spared Jared a glance as she pulled away from the curb. Looking up from buckling his seatbelt he swore he saw some flash of worry. Fear?

“Nothing that’s just.. the thing?” Zoe just furrowed her brows in response to him and he knew he had to keep going. He dug the hole, he had to lie in it. However that saying went. “I keep waiting for.. something to snap?”

Jared never meant to sound so vulnerable.

Something told him Zoe felt the same, though.

Well.  _ Zoe _ told him.

“I.. shit. Yeah.” Her hands gripped the steering wheel a bit tighter and she braked a little hard for one of the stop signs on Jared’s street. “I think we all are. Waiting.”

“Huh.” He sort of nodded to himself, so maybe he wasn’t being dramatic. It still felt unfair, though; Connor hadn’t really given him any reason to think something would happen. In fact, he should probably have thought the opposite - Connor hadn’t killed him after he  _ kissed _ him. Which.. would’ve been warranted.

“Maybe that’s bad. He’s really getting better.” Zoe shrugged a bit, though she also deflated a bit, giving away her hangups on believing that, shoulders slumping. “I just can’t help but..”

“Yeah.” Jared didn’t  _ really _ get it but.. He kind of got it. Maybe.

“Yeah.”

“You’re like a.. like, a cool sister, though,” Jared fumbled a bit with his words, gesturing lamely as he grimaced, “I’m.. like, glad for you, I guess, I mean? That he’s getting better. Like it sucks that.. ugh. I sound like a fuckin’..”

“Thanks,” Zoe murmured quickly, glancing over at him. Her face scrunched up a little in amusement.

“No one deserves to put up with shit like that, ya dig?”

“Oh my god, talk like a normal person.” She couldn’t help but actually laugh that time, shaking her head to herself. “I dig, though. For the record.”

“Cool,” it came out a mumbled whisper. Jared couldn’t help but wonder if things would be different if  _ he  _ had a sibling. He knew he wasn’t really the best at these sort of talks, but he could make Zoe laugh. Compliments and sentiments were a little stilted but he’d managed. Maybe his parents would be different. Maybe he should’ve asked for a sibling.

“Thanks for.. being his friend?” Zoe spared him another glance as they stopped at a stoplight. The roads were mostly empty but they always seemed to hit the same light on these sort of nights. “I guess that’s weird but.. people don’t usually give him a chance. Which.. is fair. He’s usually not really worthy of chances.”

The words had come out a little harsh and Jared just nodded. He wasn’t aware of  _ all  _ the details but he knew Zoe had enough of a reason to be short with it all. All the more reason he was glad for the improvement Connor had been making.

“Yeah. Seriously, ‘m glad that, like, he’s getting better.”

“And, um, thanks for like.. being a good friend? I know it’s gonna go right to your big dumb head,” she laughed a little, shaking her head, “but really.”

“You too,” Jared said quickly. Like he was worried he’d never be able to say it if he didn’t force it out quick. Which wasn’t to say he didn’t mean it. His brain just had some very particular rules when it came to all the mushy stuff.

All he got in response was a little hum of acknowledgement from Zoe and that was all either of them really needed.

The rest of the ride was quiet.

* * *

“I thought you would’ve been a genwunner,” Connor’s voice was as flat as always and he cast a sideways glance at Jared. The electronic jingle that filled the space between them was a little clunkier off his Game Boy than it was from Jared’s DS.

“Dude,” Jared sat up a bit, setting his DS on his stomach so he could give Connor his best bewildered look. “Some of the new shit seems a little rushed or, like, cash.. grabb-y? But like.. there’s good shit! Reuniclus like stole my fuckin’ heart when I played gen five. He’s just a funky little dude!”

“Funky,” Connor mumbled - well, it was more of a scoff. Jared was sure it was accompanied with an eye roll but he couldn’t be bothered to look. He just picked his DS back up, turning his attention to the trainer battle he’d gotten himself into.

“Funky,” Jared reiterated flatly, mashing the B button even if he knew logically it didn’t make anything quicker or better. It was just one of those things.

“You’re literally the least funny person I know.”

“I’m not even trying to be funny right now!” Jared perked up, finally lifting his head to look at Connor who.. was.. smiling? It sort of made him feel proud, knowing that he had something to do with it. The peer approval went straight to his chest, one of those good hurts. In turn it had him grinning, lips quirked lopsidedly.

The conversation with Zoe felt so far off now. Not that it still didn’t linger in the back of his head, just.. Like this it was easy to see the good. When it was right in front of him.

After a second the quiet was broken when Jared flicked a piece of long forgotten popcorn in Connor’s direction, snorting a laugh at his unimpressed expression.

* * *

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_ October 1, 9:04 am _

👻👻👻BOO! Srry did I scare you???😂😂😂 it's October 🎃👻💀👽😈🌑 you know what that means 😏😏 SLUT-O-WEEN 👯 send this to 10 of your 10 sluttiest ghost bitches 😝😝 if you get 5 back you're a slutty witch but if you get 10 ur the spookiest bitch on the block🎃👯🔥💀👻

did you wait to leave my house before you sent that

yes!

do u even have 10 people to send that to

do u??

im not the one sending it

damn sorry u dont wanna be in my top 10 sluttiest ghost bitches

youre just mad ur not gonna be a slutty witch

HEY   
for all u know i could have 5 ppl to send this back to me

:/

zoe said shed send it back to me   
ur just jealous

im already the spookiest bitch on the block  
shut the fuck up

* * *

When Jared relayed the last text Zoe just snorted out a laugh, shaking her head and kicking him out of the car. With a salute he just ducked out of the car, careful not to hit his head before shutting the door a little harder than he’d intended. Zoe just flipped him off and he blew her an obnoxious kiss in response, shouldering his backpack.

“Save it for some hot guy!” Zoe shot back, muffled through the closed window, flashing him a shit-eating grin.

For once.. the thought of kissing a boy didn’t make him recoil a little, didn’t make him feel guilty or nauseous.

With a wave he took a step backwards before turning on his heel and heading up his driveway. For a second he let himself entertain the thought - kissing someone. Kissing a boy. Well, he  _ had  _ but it was sort of different. The whole.. Connor situation was lackluster and not what he was looking for. Before the ambiguous figure could take shape in his mind he chased the thoughts off, telling himself he didn’t know what he wanted. Who he wanted.

Shaking his head he ducked inside, careful to keep quiet as he slipped through his front door. He twisted the knob, holding it there as he shut it so the metal pieces wouldn’t make any extra noise.

In the end it didn’t matter.

When he passed the kitchen to start his dash up the stairs he barely noticed his mom. It was only once he had one foot up on the second step he realized the kitchen light was on. Only then had he noticed his mom sat at the table, sipping at some coffee. Usually she wouldn’t be home, or even if she was she’d still be in bed. This never happened. She was never just  _ there.  _

Immediately his stomach twisted, waiting for the boot to drop.

It.. just didn’t.

No call of his name. No reprimanding.

They did make eye contact though, Jared tried not to but it was too late. He was frozen on the stairs and she was looking at him over the top of her mug. All he wanted was to just break down, to drop down and sit on the carpet to just cry. He was sure it was over. Just.. everything. After they’d had that talk about his Spanish grade everything felt even more fragile at home. So when they just  _ looked  _ at each other he wasn’t sure what to do.

He couldn’t even pretend she didn’t notice - they were still just looking at each other.

Not even a second later he tore his gaze away, practically throwing himself up the stairs. His legs were too short to easily take them two at a time so instead he stumbled; using his hands he pushed off the step ahead of him as he hauled himself up. By the time he whirlwind tumbled into his room he was nearly panting, chest tight with worry. For a second he almost considered getting his inhaler before harshly rubbing at his eyes under his glasses. Stupid. Dramatic. Stupid. He shrugged off his backpack, all but tossing it at his desk chair.

Kicking off his jeans he just dropped into bed, barely sparing his glasses by tossing them onto the nightstand. As soon as he hit the mattress he shoved his face into his pillow, screwing his eyes shut tightly. The whole interaction had barely been a minute and he just kept looping it in his head, picking it apart. The only other time he’d ever been caught sneaking out - sometime in middle school - he’d gotten some  _ strong  _ words about safety and responsibility. 

Hell, last time he’d lost his DS for a week. Maybe his mom would just talk to him later, chew him out over some subpar lunch he tossed together for himself. Part of him felt like that wouldn’t happen. Part of him felt like she’d be off with ‘the girlfriends’ by lunch and he’d eat half a box of crackers alone in his room.

That was probably all he’d see of her until dinner and dinner was too far off. If she was going to say something to him she would’ve taken her chance. Would’ve cornered him with words while he squirmed looking for a way to duck his head and slip away. But that didn’t happen.

Nothing happened. That was  _ good.  _

So why did it feel so wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world as always feel free to hmu on tumblr (ev-hansen)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its finally picking up,, next chapter is.. well-

Nothing happened. At all. Which.. was almost jarring. Instead Jared elected to ignore it - like most things - and just went on with his life. For better or worse, nothing changed. Dinner was still tense. He still spent a lot of time in his room. 

Nothing changed.

Jared just followed his routine, as lackluster as it was. He just needed to push through senior year, that was it. All he really did was hang around the Murphys’ place or sit in his bedroom, but the ever pressing passage of time was evident by the changing leaves. By homecoming, well, coming and going. By the starting whispers of Halloween costumes and parties. 

That and homework. And projects.

Another Spanish project came and went in a week - luckily this one didn’t require presenting. It was just some collaborative online work between him and Evan. No actual talking, just working on a document together in their own homes. Even the in-browser chat client went untouched. Jared didn’t want to think about how, even after everything, they were able to work so easily in tandem without even talking.

Which-

“It’s, um- it’s been a while,” Evan’s voice caught Jared’s attention even though he had his headphones on. It took him a second to realize he hadn’t even started playing music, wandering the back halls before class with silence as his soundtrack. “I was, like, just-”

Jared pulled his headphones down around his neck, bracing himself. It didn’t feel good but he knew what he needed to do. He was laying dirt on the grave and Evan was scrambling to dust it off. They couldn’t keep up with it all. Jared couldn’t keep up.

Part of him wanted to be happy - maybe _touched_ was better - that Evan wanted to fix.. whatever was going on between them. It was just that they.. Maybe they intrinsically understood each other sometimes but Jared was too many rough edges. The older they got, the worse it got. Pushing every weird fucking though he had about Evan aside it was just.. He couldn’t keep up. He knew the bough would break. And then they’d fall. 

While he didn’t know how exactly, he knew it would happen. He didn’t want to hurt Evan worse than he had to, but it was going to hurt no matter what.

“Mhm,” he tried to sound as disinterested as he could, pausing his feet. Evan had caught him mid loop, in the back hall where the FFA kids hung out after school. No one else was around.

At least they wouldn’t have an audience.

“I just thought- well, so, tomorrow’s Friday.”

“Glad to hear you learned the days of the week.”

A few years ago Evan probably would have laughed at the comment. Hell, even a few weeks ago he probably would’ve at least tried. This time, though, Jared’s tone was off. It didn’t land right. It was more condescending than mirthful and he didn’t miss the flash of hurt over Evan’s face.

Before he would’ve pushed back. Would have rolled his eyes and scoffed. Maybe he would’ve shot back something about Jared finally learning his numbers. 

That wasn’t this, though. It wasn’t _before._

“I was, um, like,” the words were broken by Evan swallowing thickly as he dropped his gaze. It seemed that any of the confidence he’d had coming up to Jared had dissipated at the snarky comment. It was intended but it still _hurt._ “I was wondering if you- they, um, added a ton of, like, shitty Halloween movies to Netflix.. I- I just thought it could be..”

“Dude,” Jared packed as much pity as could behind it. It’s harsher than he wanted but he really needed to just cut it all off. He needed it to stop because Evan was trying too hard to fix something they just _couldn’t._ They.. couldn’t. “Some people are busy. Prepping college shit, homework, laying in bed staring at the ceiling.”

That one he tried to joke more on but it was already a sort of lost cause. Most of the damage had been done.

“Right.” If Jared strained (and he did) he thought he could hear Evan’s tone break. Just slightly. Barely. “Okay. Yeah, whatever.”

Every time he said something that had Evan using that short tone with him - bitterness barely masked - it got to him a little more. He was just feeding into his own twisted ideas, reinforcing his thoughts that he was just some shitty, irredeemable friend. That it was too late.

For a second he considered backtracking. Considered grabbing Evan’s arm and offering for him to come over. Like old times. Popcorn and shitty movies and video games.

He didn’t, though.

And Evan turned on one heel and walked away.

* * *

**the more cool murphy 🎸**

_October 6, 9:22 am_

dude  
full offense but wtf

_October 6, 11:25 am_

what

_October 6, 11:37 am_

dont play dumb

so im smart?

youre not funny you know

i like to think i am

whatever your problem is like im not fucking around with it  
im sorry if you had a bad day or something yesterday or w/e  
but im not gonna play ur games  
you dont get to be a dick to your friends for no reason

ur kidding

im not

is this abt evan

i get that you like to act so cool or whatever but  
thats not cool

well hes not my friend

if this is u being a dick so like  
you can break away and crawl into ur little self pity hole im not playing along  
you dont get to just be mean jared  
thats not fair

i  
sorry  
to you. but im not friends with evan  
im not going to be friends with him just bc hes upset we arent  
THATS not fair  
i get that hes got you all scooped up with the sad puppy eyes  
but that doesnt have anything to do w me

i?  
first of all evan doesnt Have me? no one has me  
im me.  
secondly hes like sort of a friend and youre my friend  
and youre just being like this bc you think hed reject you  
what kind of metric is that to just drop him

holy fucking shit  
fuck off  
evan COULDNT reject me  
because theres nothing to reject me over

sure

fuck you  
were not friends  
we havent been ‘friends’ since we were like 14  
so just leave it

youre better than this

* * *

Was he?

Part of Jared couldn’t help but feel like he’d been betrayed, Zoe’s texts played through his head all day. Even as he headed out to his car, fingers picking at the material of his backpack straps. The worst parts of him were mad, those parts considered sending her another text - a real ‘fuck off’ - and blocking her, cutting her off in tandem with Evan. For once he tried to listen to the rational parts instead.

Even if whatever twisted friendship he had with Evan couldn’t be salvaged he knew he shouldn’t just.. keep repeating the cycle. He was a realist, not a pessimist. While he was pretty convinced he was just an asshole he didn’t need to dig a hole with the only other people left in his life who didn’t believe that as much as he did. He was sure Evan wasn’t one of those people.

It had been too many years. Evan had seen him through too much. Maybe it should’ve strengthened their bond but it just made Jared squirm. There was too much, Evan knew too much.

All of it just made his head hurt and he pulled his car door open harder than he’d meant to. Only then did he realize how his breaths were coming out a little uneven and- No. He was _not_ going to freak out in the middle of the school parking lot like a baby because he thought about Evan for a little too long. He dropped his bag in the passenger seat as he climbed in and started up the car. 

What a fucking joke.

* * *

Same fucking routine.

Really, he _was_ a fucking joke. Or trapped in a shitty TV show. He dropped his backpack in the corner of his room after barely making it up the stairs. His mom wasn’t in the kitchen. This time she was at work. Which, duh. It was a Thursday. He just still could barely believe he let himself get caught last weekend. And for nothing.

Not that he relished getting lectures from his mom. There was just something that rubbed him the wrong way about being so.. blatantly ignored.

That same something had him kicking his jeans off before he crawled into bed to just.. lay down. Again, it was Thursday. There was nothing to do on a Thursday. With a puff of breath he rolled onto his side, glasses crooked on his face as he scrolled through apps, exhausting all of his social media feeds. He felt like the shitty, lonely protagonist in an indie teen movie except that there’d be no magically healing ending. Or at least not one with Evan. He fucked that up. Burnt that bridge.

Unable to keep his brain from ping-ponging from thought to thought he remembered the time he’d read the phrase ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it’. He couldn’t help a sort of bitter _snrk_ of laughter. There was a word for that and now that he couldn’t remember it he was getting frustrated. Rolling back onto his back he opened his browser, promptly searching the phrase.

The second result gave him what he was looking for - _malaphor._

Easily his brain jumped ship again because he’d thought it was another word, but that must have been some other sort of figure of speech or.. literary device. Whatever. He thought it started with an ‘e’. Now he pushed himself to sit up, scrolling through his bookmarks, he was sure he saved it somewhere.

 _Zeugma,_ something pointedly not _starting_ with an ‘e’ but hey, he was close. Now that he was scrolling through examples of _zeugmas_ he was struck with the memory. Some post where he’d originally read the term mentioned one was in _Lion King_ so he backtracked to his search and added that as a term.

‘Teeth and ambitions are bared.’ Nice.

Another half hour passed as he jumped between tabs searching Disney movies and Disney lawsuits and strange lawsuits and..

Another hour.

Time sort of just dropped away from around him.

The next time he looked up was because he realized he was squinting at his phone screen. The sun had set around him and now his room was bathed in darkness. When he checked his watch it read _7:04 pm_ and.. He couldn’t help but feel a little pathetic. Or, just, like he wasted something. He wasted a whole day. 

No one texted him about dinner.

Reluctantly pulling himself from his bed and tugging his jeans back on he crept down the stairs. He wasn’t sure if it would be better or worse to see they made dinner. It was possible they just set aside leftovers, assuming (correctly) that Jared didn’t want to sit at the table. 

The kitchen was spotless.

There was a note stuck to the counter.

> _‘Went on a date night. You can use the card for dinner._ _  
> __\- Mom’_

Jared spent entirely too long wondering what possessed his parents to want to go and genuinely spend time together. To want to go on a date. As soon as he had the thought there was a rush of guilt. Shouldn’t he be happy? Didn’t he want them to get along?

Maybe he’d use the card, go out and treat himself. To something, at least.

* * *

“How’s the Spanish studying going?” Jared jolted when he heard a voice behind him, familiar enough but not something he could place right away and-

Evan’s mom.

Huh? Studying?

“Oh, hey Ms. Hansen,” instead of immediately launching into questions he just hoped she could elaborate. Besides, it was weird enough to catch him off guard. Well, anyone talking to him in a coffee shop caught him off guard.

“Is Evan not with you?” She seemed fine with letting the fact that he didn’t even answer her first question just slip by. Fine by him. He was still confused though - majorly. “Leave him to hold down the fort?”

There was something there that had Jared frozen to the spot. Something made him want to just nod along, confirm whatever she thought. So he did. Maybe it was something about how her voice was cheery - but not in a forced way - even though she looked so tired. She was on her way to work, obvious from her clothes. And she thought Evan was at his house. Studying for Spanish.

“Y-Yeah,” he forced it out quickly after realizing he’d paused for an almost uncomfortable amount of time. Something.. seemed weird in how she looked at him. Grateful? Hopeful?

“Well, I’m glad you two are hanging out again. I’ve always thought you boys were good influences on each other.”

If he thought he’d felt guilty that morning that was nothing compared to this.

“Yeah,” he repeated, hoping it didn’t come out as choked as it felt, “yeah. Me too.”

“Well, I won’t keep you,” Heidi replied, shaking her head as if to pull herself from her thoughts. The tiredness creasing her face made Jared almost feel.. guilty? He _knew_ it wasn’t like he caused it, but thinking back to some knowledge stored in the back of his head he couldn’t help but remember that she was back in school _and_ working at the nursing home. So busy. Trying so hard. Tired. Evan had to get it from someone, he supposed. “Have a good night, honey! And, hey, you’re always welcome for dinner!”

All Jared can manage is a tense smile and a wave.

The dread only really set in when Heidi was gone, the bell above the door signaling her departure while a barista called his name, alerting him that his order was up.

Suddenly his hot chocolate didn’t sound too appealing.

Regardless he grabbed it with weak fingers, feeling a cold sweat start up. Heidi thought Evan was at his house. Evan was obviously _not_ at his house. They weren’t working on Spanish. They weren’t working on anything. They weren’t friends.

Where was Evan at nearly 8 pm on a Thursday night? Where was he that he wouldn’t tell his mom? Where was he that he’d lie about being?

Something twisted in Jared’s stomach.

When he stepped outside a breeze pushed his hair into his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor edit to the last chapter; switched hospital to nursing home for heidis workplace
> 
> okay, big huge tw for this chapter. please take care of yourselves, ily.  
> tw for suicide attempt (overdose). the act itself isnt included but its really obvious. this is the aftermath. no death, no throwing up. jareds really scared though and its.. sad. lots of just.. slurred words and evan being Tired.   
> feel free to skip this chapter if you need to. look out for yourselves <3

**Hansen 🔪**

_ September 9, 5:02 pm _

okay sorry

_ October 6, 7:56 pm _

Evan   
where are you

_ October 6, 8:01 pm _

evan.   
evan i swear to fucking g-d   
answer me

_ October 6, 8:04 pm _

you better pick up your phone   
if u dont i swear im gonna fucking ping you and find you   
m not kiddign

* * *

Jared just hoped scare tactics worked - he had no idea how he could track Evan down. He wasn’t  _ that  _ tech savvy and it wasn’t like he had a whole spy setup in his fucking SUV. He just had hope and Evan’s phone number. The heat in his car finally kicked in fully and he stopped shivering - since when had it gotten so cold outside? 

That wasn’t the only thing that had his fingers shaking, though. It took three tries to finally hit the call button.

At least Evan picked up.

“What the  _ fuck  _ is wrong with you,” Jared only realized how out of breath he was once he started talking, feeling sort of wheezy, “where are you, dude?”

For a second all he got was silence, it made his chest squeeze uncomfortably. Before his mind could jump to worst case scenarios he had to remind himself that Evan picked up, he was at least  _ alive.  _ After a second he heard an echo to his own breathing - Evan’s, shallow but not quite hyperventilating. Alive. Breathing.

It didn’t seem like he’d be able to get any words from him, though.

“Send me your location. I’m coming to get you.” Despite earlier that day, despite the whole fucking school year, he couldn’t  _ not.  _ Something wasn’t quite right and part of him couldn’t help but wonder if..  _ whatever  _ was going on wouldn’t have happened if that morning had gone differently. “Send it, Ev.”

The only response he got was a choked little sound. He could hear the harsh crackle of wind on the receiver and then Evan hung up. Silence. With one hand on the gearshift he put the car in reverse, glancing between his phone screen and his backup camera as he pulled out of his parking spot. He pressed on the break once he got the notification that Evan shared his location, pausing half pulled out of his spot while both hands went to set the location in maps. Not far. Close to Evan’s house. In their neighborhood.

Why was Evan at the park?

Jumping to conclusions wouldn’t do him any good so instead he focused on the road, letting his gaze flick down to his phone at every stop sign. He didn’t need the directions, he knew exactly where Evan was - they hung out there a lot as kids. It was pretty much the perfect halfway between their houses. There was probably some irony in that. Regardless, he only kept checking because it felt wrong, something felt off. He knew exactly how to get there but something inside him just hoped Evan would text again, would tell him that everything was fine. Would explain himself.

No such luck.

The whole six minute drive went by quietly, the only sound was the low drone of Jared’s car’s heat and the muffled world outside of his car.

While everything felt painfully slow it also seemed to happen too soon - Jared shoddily parked his car on the side of the road, nearly scraping the curb and suddenly his stomach dropped. He didn’t have any idea of what he was about to find, he wasn’t ready. Hadn’t he just left the coffee shop? How was he here already? As he stumbled from his car his knees nearly gave out. His car door slammed - he didn’t mean to close it that hard - jarring him. 

There was no one on the swings. No one sitting at the top of the slide. Empty. But Evan had to be here. His shoes shuffled through wood chips, slightly damp still from showers that afternoon. It hadn’t really gotten sunny again after that. Jared couldn’t help but wonder if it was some sick joke from a higher power, the lingering gloom all day.

The grass was equally as wet, he found as he wandered away from the equipment and towards the thin treeline. When they were little he and Evan had tried to fish frogs out of the creek just next to it. If Evan was around then it was his last guess. He didn’t want to think of what it would mean if Evan was just gone.

Luckily, he didn’t have to.

It was chilly out but Jared can’t really knock Evan for wearing a t-shirt, he had jeans on at least. What he could knock him for, though, was the fact that he wasn’t wearing shoes and that he was sitting on wet grass. While it was odd, there wasn’t anything.. particularly concerning there. Maybe Evan just had a bad night - Jared wouldn’t be able to blame him - and had some sort of breakdown.

“Jare?”

_That_ was concerning. 

Evan’s voice was oddly soft, though it sounded like his mouth was full of cotton.

“Evan,” it was less of a question as concern dripped into his tone. He nearly slipped on the slick grass as he closed the remaining distance between them, kneeling in front of him. A wet spot immediately started to soak into his jeans, the material felt cold on his skin. “What the fuck?”

There was no joking in the words. In fact, they sort of wavered.

“Huh?” Evan’s face was red, cheeks seeming to radiate heat, eyes unfocused as he practically looked past Jared. One of his hands was tangled in the damp grass while the other limply held onto a little orange bottle.

Shit.

“Evan,” now Jared’s voice came out choked, breath catching painfully in his chest. Those were the bottles saved for bathroom cabinets, not the hands of someone sitting alone in a park. At 8 pm on a Thursday. “What was that? Come here. Shit- fuck, c’mere. I need.. I need..”

“You.. came?” It was like Evan was a few steps behind him but Jared didn’t have time for that. He leaned forward, prying the empty bottle from Evan’s hand. In a stroke of actual thought he paused, tucking the bottle to awkwardly fit in his front pocket before grabbing Evan’s shoulder.

“I need to call an ambulance- I.. did you take anything else? How much was-”

“Shh,” Evan nearly hissed it, but there was no malice in his body. His eyelids just drooped dangerously. “No no no, ambulance bad. Loud and scary and.. lots of money.”

“Then we’re leaving. Now.”

It probably wasn’t the best choice, or.. at least not the safest. But his heart was pounding and his chest was tight. Evan  _ was  _ right, it would probably be way too expensive for his mom. There was a hospital just across I-490, it had to be less than ten minutes. Thursday night traffic wasn’t bad and he could do a few rolling stops. Besides, calling would take time, dispatching an ambulance would take time. He was already on his feet, moving to stand behind Evan. With a sharp breath he hooked his arms under Evan’s armpits, grunting with effort as he pulled him up to stand on uneven feet.

“Ow,” it was barely audible and Jared paid it no mind as he adjusted his grip, ducking under one of Evan’s arms to support his weight with his shoulder. Stressed tears pricked in his eyes.

If he was going to blame himself if Evan overdosed he might as well be the one to drive him rather than sitting on his hands and waiting for an ambulance, right?

_ Fuck, that sounds bad. _

It was a dodgy call, but.. He was maybe a little too confident in his driving and he was questioning how long it would take to dispatch anyone. They were quick - it was their job - but he’d have to tell them where and- He was already dragging Evan back past the swing set. The road was right there, the curb was right there, his car was right there.

Jared just hoped he made the right choice.

A quiet scrape brought his attention back to reality, the bottom of his car door hit part of the curb that was sort of broken, part of it sticking up where someone unevenly set it. How did a curb even get cracked? Jared scrunched up his nose, it was solid cement how-

_ Unimportant. _

What was more important was Evan slumped against the open door, head lolling to the side a bit. With a frustrated, shuddering huff of a breath Jared slipped out from under his arm, nudging him with his side to drop into the seat unceremoniously. Once he checked that the tumble into his car hadn’t jostled Evan too much he carefully leaned over him to buckle him in.

In other circumstances he might’ve lingered - and then vehemently denied it - wondering what Evan smelled like. Or some equally weird shit.

Not now, though. When their hands brushed it wasn’t exciting in any way. Evan’s hands were cold.

The realization made his own hands shake.

Carefully, he closed the passenger door, conscious as to not jostle Evan more than he already had. Once it felt secure he all but sprinted, nearly throwing himself over the hood of his car to yank the driver’s side door open and practically throw himself in. He awkwardly maneuvered his seatbelt, buckling it with one hand while the other shoved his keys into the ignition. Despite the shakiness he didn’t miss either action, quickly starting his car up. The heat immediately kicked back in - maybe it would warm Evan up. He’d felt so  _ cold.  _ The damp grass and chilly air combined with the lack of shoes or a jacket probably  _ really  _ hadn’t helped.

Taking his car out of park he pulled away from the curb and hung a U-turn, he knew the way well enough. Less than ten minutes.

It was doable.

“Jare.”

The combination of everything that was going on with hearing the nickname almost made him take his eyes off the road. In the interest of not causing any potential accidents, though, he kept his head forward. He did spare a glance at Evan in his peripheral, however. The sight just made his grip tighten on the wheel - Evan’s head dropped to the side, sort of resting on his own shoulder as he partially slumped in his seat.

“Mhm?” It was all he could manage because of the tightness in his throat.

“What’s..” Evan just shook his head a little, well, as best he could with it leaned so uncomfortably and.. horizontally. Jared tore his gaze away from where it had drifted, turning his eyes back to the road. At least the rain had stopped earlier. “You just..”

The words were slurred as Evan trailed off. 

A silence settled between them.

When Jared realized Evan was just  _ not  _ talking he couldn’t help but stiffen a bit, gripping the steering wheel tightly with one hand. The other tentatively pulled away, tentatively dropped down. At first he settled it on the center console before his panic got the better of him, seizing his chest. Fingers crept carefully over the distance between them, he strained to reach Evan’s seat. To reach Evan’s hand. 

This time he didn’t feel as cold, the heat was helping at least and-

The heat.

When Evan got warm he got sleepy and maybe it was weird for him to remember, but he just  _ did  _ and suddenly he found it a lot harder to breathe. Jared didn’t claim to know anything about, like, medical shit but.. 

Honestly, he was ready to throttle past-Jared for plenty of reasons, but now - driving Evan to the  _ emergency room  _ \- he wanted to just toss himself face down into the street. They went over this in health class. Signs of overdose. What to do if someone overdoses. Of course he had to be a selfish prick about it,  _ ‘oh, this won’t be important for  _ me  _ to know.’  _ It’s never you until it’s  _ you.  _

Well he grabbed Evan’s pill bottle, that was good. He could be sure too, it fit awkwardly in his pocket and dug into his leg a little, squished against him by the denim of his jeans. Sure, he didn’t call an ambulance but.. Well, he’d see how that went. It was too late to change that. Evan needed to stay awake. No matter what, that was Jared’s one take away. And, again, when Evan was warm he got sleepy. 

Jared pulled his hand from Evan’s, moving to the middle console. He glanced between the dials and the road while he came to a stop sign, flipping the air to cold before cracking the windows slightly.

Of course, Evan didn’t really react in any sort of way. The lack of sound had Jared tense and he reached over again, moving away from the stop sign. His hand circled around Evan’s wrist, squeezing it. He was never great at finding pulses but this time he did and.. well, it was sort of easy because Evan’s heart was just  _ racing. _

“Evan,” he said it as firmly as he could, which wasn’t saying much. His voice shook a little, nearly died off at the end. To emphasize his urgency he dropped Evan’s wrist, grabbing onto his shoulder and gently shoving him so he was sitting up.

He blinked his eyes open.

His eyes were open.

He was alive.

“Am.. real sleepy,” Evan managed, pulling his hands into his lap and shifting in his seat. He didn’t manage to move much because Jared’s hand was still holding onto his shoulder, keeping him upright.

“Oh no the  _ fuck  _ you aren’t,” he choked out, fingers sliding down and digging into Evan’s upper arm for a second before loosening his grip when Evan grimaced a little. “I.. Sorry. Ev, you  _ can’t _ go to sleep.”

“Hurts,” it came out more whiny than Jared had heard him in.. a while. Which just sort of showed how.. Well,  _ gone  _ he was. As if the sort of swaying didn’t already convey that.

“I didn’t mean it.” Now Jared had fully turned back to the road, finally getting onto the bigger ones - stop signs traded for street lights. He could drive a little faster but he couldn’t exactly do a rolling stop at a red light. This part was all about luck.

“Mhm,” it was barely audible, weak under the sound of cold air flooding the car and the rabble from outside the cracked windows, “you’re, like.. mean.”

Jared didn’t have a response to that. It felt so schoolyard to hear it like  _ that.  _ He was just  _ mean.  _ It wasn’t like Evan was wrong, though, and considering the circumstances he couldn’t expect anything too coherent. 

Was he mean?

“Like.. more now,” before Jared could even think to ask or say anything more, Evan was filling the space. His words wobbled as much as he did on his feet. “Ever since.. since Connor Murphy took my- he took my note. You.. you’re all- you’re his friend now. Probably just laugh at me- at me, ‘cause what it says.”

Jared furrowed his brows, switching lanes to move around a car. Something dangerous was building up and he refused to glance over as Evan spoke. There was some part of the puzzle he wasn’t getting; what would be in Evan’s stupid note that he and Connor would laugh at? He said it was an assignment - Jared had taken that to mean  _ therapy  _ assignment, using context clues. What would he laugh at in Evan’s  _ therapy  _ assignment?

Did Evan really think he’d do that?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dude,” when Jared spoke it was careful. Suddenly everything felt so fragile. “I.. Connor didn’t show it to me.”

“Sure.” Jared caught a slight movement out of the corner of his eye, reading it as a flippant gesture. He supposed it was fair that Evan didn’t believe that, given everything. And the circumstances. “S’okay, I guess. I mean.. it’s fine. Didn’t want you to read  _ that.. _ doesn’t really matter now-”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Jared spat out, cutting Evan off. It was too definitive. 

“Where’s..” Evan seemed content to move on, Jared could hear the quiet rustle of his clothes as he squirmed in his seat, “where’s mom?”

“At work,” he answered quickly, remembering Heidi in her scrubs at the coffee shop. Getting coffee. She had a long night ahead of her.. and no idea this was happening.

“Phone?” Evan shifted in his seat again and Jared just took that to mean that Evan didn’t have his own on him. “Call her?”

The sudden inquiry sort of gave Jared whiplash; he wasn’t sure where that came from, looking back at what they were just talking about. He supposed it didn’t really matter, though.

Who was he to deny Evan trying to reach his fucking  _ mom? _

Pulling his hand from where it had moved to awkwardly hover on the center console he gripped the steering wheel in both hands, steeling himself for a brief second. He couldn’t quite fully catch his breath - considering the circumstances - but he didn’t want to waste more time, moving to dig his phone from his pocket. Glancing between the road and his lap he clumsily unlocked it before he reached over himself to pass it to Evan.

When their fingers brushed his hands were cold again.

Better cold and awake than the alternative.

“Got it?” The softness in Jared’s voice seemed to surprise them both if his stolen glance at Evan just.. blinking at him for a second meant anything.

“Got it,” Evan confirmed - this time his voice was the weaker of the two. 

Jared busied himself with focusing on the road, carefully slowing at a red light; the last thing they needed was to get pulled over. 

When he looked over Evan was cradling the phone in his lap as he tried to navigate the screen. It was almost painful to watch but before Jared could intervene he managed to hit Heidi’s contact. The hollow ring of an unanswered line filled the car as Evan carefully hit the speaker button before letting his head drop back to lean on the seat.

It kept ringing.

Voicemail.

“Try again,” it came out quickly and it took Jared a second to realize he was the one who said it. Reluctantly he tore his gaze away from Evan who’s eyes were starting to shine with the dangerous threat of tears. He blinked hard a few times as his eyes refocused on the road, willing back his own tears.

Evan must have been able to hit the buttons again, which at least meant he had  _ some  _ motor control left. And was awake. Both good things.

The ringing only stopped when it was met with the voicemail message.

“Again,” desperation edged into Jared’s voice, wavering.

This time Evan didn’t hang up, though. The voicemail message played out before the beep sounded, signaling they could leave a message. Jared tightened his grip on the wheel, frantically glancing at Evan out of the corner of his eye. He was cradling the phone in his hands now, raising it closer to himself. Once Jared had confirmed he was still awake he let his shoulders relax.

Really, he had to admit that calling again would probably not do much of anything but.. He just needed  _ something  _ to work because Evan’s breathing was starting to get ragged and-

“Mom.”

The shudder that ran down Jared’s spine wasn’t just from the cold air circulating through the car. His shoulders went rigid again and he added a little more pressure to the gas pedal, hopping up to seven miles per hour above the limit. It was close enough to five above, he wouldn’t get pulled over for  _ that. _

“Evan-”

“Mom, please pick up,” it was ragged and shuddering and capped with a sob.

“Evan, please,” Jared’s throat felt tight as he forced it out because it was.. probably almost worse to leave a message like that. He wasn’t really the pleading type but desperate times called for desperate measures. “Lemme talk, Ev. Please.”

“Okay,” it came out nearly silent, hidden behind sniffles and trembling breaths. Jared was aware of his phone in his peripheral after a second, held close to him by Evan who was supporting his own wrist with his other hand.

“Hey, um, miss.. Uh. Heidi, I’m driving Evan to the ER right now,” his breath hitched and Evan’s soon followed, a strangled noise dragging its way from his throat, “the.. the- I can’t.. I can’t remember the name the- it’s the one closest to our, um, neighborhood. Whenever you, um, get this if.. if you could meet us there?”

There was a tense few seconds of silence before Evan pulled the phone back towards his own chest, tapping at the screen a few times before Jared heard the call end. With a dull noise Jared heard his phone get set in one of the center cup holders.

“I can’t even.. die right.” It was so small, so weak, that Jared immediately felt an ache bloom in his chest. He didn’t want to be dramatic, but he was sure nothing else had ever just.. sounded worse. Before he could scramble for some weak promises and uncertain reassurances Evan was opening his mouth again, “didn’t even- didn’t work the first time.. either.”

_ First time? _

“What?” Jared didn’t feel too bad about the feebleness in his own voice for once, he couldn’t be bothered with the fear of vulnerability  _ now  _ of all times. “Don’t.. you..”

“No one came.” In one fell swoop Evan confirmed his biggest fear that he didn’t even really know he had until that moment. “Why.. why’d you come?”

“I..  _ shit,  _ we can’t.. I can’t,” Jared’s voice broke and he took a shaky breath to try and steady himself, “we.. we can talk about this later. We’re gonna.. talk about this later. Can you just- could you just keep talking for me right now?”

“You don’t wanna.. listen.”

To be fair Jared hadn’t done much to challenge that idea that he  _ knew  _ would have been growing in Evan’s head.

“No- shit, c’mon. I’m listening now. I swear, okay? Tell me- just tell me about your fucking.. trees. What’s.. tell me about the.. you did the..” His words were moving too fast for his own brain and he just couldn’t find the end to his sentence. It was like he hit a brick wall head on, mouth coming to a halt as he got stopped by another red light.

“What?” It sounded like there was some bitterness there, but with how Evan had been slurring his words he couldn’t really pick up a proper tone.

“Your.. this summer you did.. you did an internship.. you,” Jared could practically feel Evan’s heartbroken disappointment. He was just proving his point, he just didn’t listen. Why couldn’t he listen? Why was this red light so long? His grip tightened on the wheel until his knuckles started to turn white. A second later he realized the near-panting breaths he was hearing were his own and- “Ellison!”

There was a silence between them and he couldn’t really blame Evan for it.

“You.. apprentice ranger at Ellison state park. Tell me- tell me about it.”

“I  _ did  _ already.. you didn’t..”

“Fine.. fuck’s sake,” Jared’s voice was more than bordering on desperate as he scrambled. He’d rather change the subject than just continuing to dredge up stupid shit. “What about.. it’s-”

For a good few seconds he tried to drag anything he could from the recesses of his brain.  _ Anything.  _ Evan liked plants, liked trees. He’d pondered on whether or not he should go to college for botany. He liked games- though he usually just played whatever Jared showed him, that felt a little self-centered for this. What.. else did Evan like?

The realization that he just didn’t know stuck Jared harder than he’d expected. 

Plants it was then, that was really all he had to draw from. There was a vague memory, Evan talking about native plants, his favorite ones.

Jared didn’t really  _ get  _ the whole.. having a favorite tree thing, but that didn’t really matter. He supposed it wasn’t unlike how he could pick up a game and find every piece of lore about it, itching to tell anyone and everyone about it. Maybe he didn’t really  _ get  _ it.. but he got it.

“You.. c’mon. Tell me about it. You told me- you liked the.. you wanted to start growing a tree in your backyard it was.. in the fall it’s this real nice.. yellow right?”

Plant an incorrect fact, wait for the response. He could keep Evan focused, try and keep him present.

“No, no,” the words were all but a whine, “is.. it’s- no. Different one, s’not yellow.”

“Tell me,” it was softer than Jared thought he was capable of.

“Nuh-uh,” when Evan spoke it was slower, more slurred. The words felt languid and heavy even to Jared, there was almost an odd warmth carried with them despite the cool air. “You don’t care. Don’t even remember.”

“Red maple,” Jared spoke easily, biting his tongue to keep from letting out an embarrassing, choked sob, “you- you told me that.. that you knew it was kind of boring but that you just really loved the color. You wanted to see all the red leaves in your yard. After they- after the old tree had to get cut down.”

“Yeah,” there was something dismissive in his tone. Jared tried not to be too hurt - he knew he couldn’t fix everything between them with one little comment.. but.. he just couldn’t believe that  _ this  _ was happening.

“Almost there.”

At least they hit another green light.

“Why di- why didn’t you like me?”

“No,” it came out forcefully, more so than Jared intended, “no past tense.”

“Why don’t you?”

The question hurt either way.

“It’s not,” Jared cut himself off with a sigh, “it’s not you, it’s- can.. can we talk about this later?”

“I try real hard.” Evidently they couldn’t. 

“I know,” another soft sigh. Maybe Jared could placate him somehow and shift the conversation. He didn’t really want to be selfish but this was the last thing he wanted to be talking about - all his shortcomings. “I need you.. I need you to keep trying, okay?”

If he was better he might have peppered in some reassurances.

Maybe he just.. couldn’t be better.

“I guess.” There was too much resignation - too much defeat - in the words. It struck a cold fear in Jared’s chest. It sounded too close to giving up.

“Could.. Can you talk for me? Can you keep talking?” Before Evan could interject with something he was already expecting (‘about what’) he was tacking more on, “just.. anything. The alphabet. Count for me. Anything.”

“Dumb.” Jared almost wanted to laugh but he just waited for the begrudging compliance.

That.. didn’t come.

“Evan?”

Underneath the whisper of the wind and the drone of his air conditioner there wasn’t much of anything. It was too quiet, nearly silent. Not even more complaints. Jared felt his own breathing go funny, starting to come out in short wheezes. He couldn’t even spare Evan a glance because a car was switching lanes, right in front of him and the light was turning red and he had to hit the breaks a little harder than he wanted to and-

Once he came to a full stop he whipped his head around to see Evan. Evan who had his head propped up on the window. Evan who was sort of slumped against the door. Evan who had taken too many pills and  _ needed to stay awake. _

“Evan?”

Jared couldn’t get his hands to move, stuck to the wheel with a vice-grip. His throat was so tight that it ached, it was hard to swallow. Out of the corner of his eye he was vaguely aware that the light on the other side of the intersection was turning yellow.

“Evan,” he hissed out, he didn’t have enough willpower to raise his volume any more. Now he was acutely aware of the light turning green and the line of cars ahead of him were letting off their breaks. None of that would matter if Evan was already.. He couldn’t afford to think like that, tearing one hand off the steering wheel.

All he could think to do was to ball up his shaking hand and to thump his fist against Evan’s shoulder as hard as he could manage. Admittedly, it wasn’t  _ that  _ hard, considering how his whole body was nearly shaking, though it seemed to be enough.

“Lemme sleep.”

Maybe it was overkill but Jared just drew back a little before hitting him again - this time with less force.

“Fuck you,” his words betrayed him, wavering. Only when the car behind him honked did he lift his own foot off the break, starting up again. It wasn’t until he crossed through the intersection that he noticed the faint tear tracks on his face, they made him feel itchy.

“S’cold.. lemme sleep,” the pleading in Evan’s voice almost made Jared want to give in. If the consequences weren’t so dire. 

“No, Ev,” he tried to be firm, though his voice wouldn’t quite let him, “we’re here. We’re here, okay?”

“Where?”

With a sharp breath, trying to reign in his wheezing and keep himself even, he took the turn into the parking lot a little hard. He couldn’t help but grimace when he heard what he assumed to be Evan’s shoulder hit the door, though. An unintended side effect but, hey, if it helped keep him awake.

“ER, we gotta get inside.” While he was pretty confident that Evan was barely taking in what he was saying he couldn’t help but give him an answer. It felt wrong not to. Besides, he didn’t want them to drop back into a complete silence.

“Inside?”

Jared pulled a pretty sloppy parking job before all but throwing the gear into park and fumbling with his seatbelt. The decreasing coherence from Evan had his fingers trembling.

“Inside the ER,” Jared repeated pointlessly, almost entirely to himself as he all but fell out of the driver’s side and jogged around to the passenger door. It was like he was on autopilot, barely even registering his actions as he pulled open the door, leaning in over Evan to unbuckle his seatbelt.

“ER,” Evan parroted, head lolling to the side.

“ER,” Jared carried on their pointless little loop as he tucked himself up under Evan’s arm, supporting him on his shoulder like he did at the park. His feet hit the pavement hard and Jared couldn’t help but wince at the thought of how much that would sting without shoes.

Something about seeing Evan sitting in the grass, only socks over his feet, really just made Jared’s chest hurt.

“Where’s.. mom?”

The two swayed as Jared guided them towards the door, struggling to lock his car before shoving his keys back into his pocket. He’d parked as close as he could but it was still a slight walk.

“She’s at work,” Jared reminded him, as gently as he could manage. He had mostly gotten his breathing under control and the last thing he wanted was to set Evan off. Really, there were a lot of ‘last things’ he wanted - it was kind of a major shitshow, though, to be fair. And.. approaching the sliding doors to the hospital was the last place that he wanted them to break down into a sobbing mess, unable to keep upright. They were so fucking  _ close.  _

“Work.”

Jared didn’t indulge their little game of repetition that time because he was finally able to drag Evan through the double glass sliding doors.

From there it was a blur. The combination of lights and noise had Jared defaulting to an autopilot mode, shutting down as much as he could while still hauling Evan past the various people sitting in the lobby. He would  _ not  _ succumb to some sort of sensory induced episode. At least not until Evan was safe.

Everything seemed to be in slow motion but still entirely too fast. He forced out as much information as he could at the front desk, choking on the word  _ overdose  _ and handing over the empty bottle he’d found on Evan. There were a few tense looks at the fact that he didn’t call an ambulance but none of that mattered. Someone was pulling Evan away from him, taking him away. He’d be okay.

Pointless reassurances from staff went in one ear and out the other as he shuffled over to a seat, perching on the edge of it and dropping his head into his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long lol.. anyways.. evan pov ! so basically this is like ch 1-9 from his side ! a few small instances of suicidal ideation from evan, not too explicit and some scattered self hatred kinda stuff from him.

The only way Evan could think to put his sleeplessness into words was to compare it to the night before the big 5th grade field trip. Except, well, the opposite. At the end of the day, words  _ couldn’t _ even begin to describe the intangible pit in his chest, he could only talk about it in other abstracts.

Four hours. He had to be up in four hours for his first day of senior year.

Part of him felt bad for it, but he couldn’t help but think of the inevitable pep talk from his mom and cringe. His right hand seemed to move of its own accord, trailing over his comforter until his palm could press to the rough plaster of his cast. His thumb idly rubbed back and forth over the back of his hand - as well as it could over the layers.

At least his cast kept him from absentmindedly scratching at his hands. That was one good thing from it.

Four hours.

And then the rest of his life.

* * *

“We’re family friends, whole different category.” The smile Jared gave him made his blood run cold - mocking and performative. Voice heavy with a practiced, pitying tone.

“Dick,” Evan muttered, immediately moving backwards with a roll of his eyes. There was too much running through his brain - everything was too loud - to deal with him. To deal with whatever charade he had for senior year. He always had something and Evan just didn’t have time for it right now.

Cradling his cast with his other arm he rounded the corner and kept his head down as he walked. 

With the time he had left before class he let himself check his phone once he was tucked into some corner in the back hall by the band room. He didn’t expect much and planned to scroll through Twitter, but.. Jared texted him. Texted him  _ four  _ times. Something about it made him fidget a bit, it was just blatant backpedaling. He wasn’t sure what was worse, how those texts gave him a little hope or how much he wished there was more. 

In the end he just responded with an ever ambiguous “👌”, too tired for much else.

* * *

Fingers tightly gripping his lunchbox Evan dropped into the seat across from Jared, he wasn’t really sure what compelled him to do it. Part of his brain just tried to tell him it was because there weren’t any other tables that were empty and.. Jared was really the only person he  _ knew.  _ It wasn’t the full truth, though and he knew that.

Despite that morning he just couldn’t help but be drawn right back to Jared.

It felt a little pathetic.

“What’s your damage?” As soon as it came out of Jared’s mouth Evan couldn’t help but regret not being the one to say something first. “Pre-calc kickin’ your ass or what? Did you not get to stare at Zoe longingly from across the hall during the passing period? C’mon, what’s your deal?”

“That’s not..” There was no way he could accurately dispute the claims about Zoe without saying too much. So he just sighed, scrunching up his face with frustration while reaching up to rub at his nose. To give his hands something productive to do he finally moved to unzip his lunchbox, “Just.. none of that.”

“Gonna make me play twenty questions?” Jared nudged his laptop to the side a bit as he said it, opening up a window for proper eye contact. Evan just wished it didn’t make his stomach do that odd flip it always did. It was overwhelming in all the worst ways and so he dropped his gaze again, staring at the table as he pulled his sandwich out. “Or are you going to spill it?”

“Nothing h- Nothing happened. I don’t know why you.. you,” it’s partially true, at least that’s what he tells himself. Nothing specific really happened, the exchange with Jared that morning just made him feel.. off. “What’s wrong- wrong with you?”

There was an emphasis on the ‘you’ and he immediately regretted it.

It didn’t seem to matter, though. Jared pushed through, played up some dramatics, or,  _ melo _ dramatics that just seemed a little off. Some things hit a little too close, and when they do Jared always pulls in the reigns immediately again. Evan wasn’t really sure what he expected. Jared had always been stubborn, why would he change now?

Ever vigilant, Evan was sort of hyper aware of someone’s presence passing behind him, passing their table. He was content to not pay whoever it was any mind but then Jared was  _ talking-  _ He never understood the lack of self-preservation. Like Jared said, they sort of knew.. just  _ everything  _ about each other. Or did, when they were closer. Evan knew those sort of hidden parts of Jared, he was well aware of how confrontation made his skin crawl. So why did he have to start shit like this?

With Connor Murphy of all people.

The exchange had his blood roaring in his ears, he barely even heard what tasteless shit Jared had to say. He was only marginally aware of Jared all but running away.

And then he was alone again. 

He swore he felt Connor’s eyes on the back of his head before he heard boots on linoleum. 

And he was alone.

* * *

It was supposed to feel good, to get everything out. 

The letters were supposed to help.

Instead the words stared back at him, making his gut twist. All the little things he couldn’t just  _ say.  _ Whatever possessed him to hit print, he wasn’t sure. Maybe part of him wanted to believe he wasn’t a coward, wanted to think he’d actually hand the letter over to Dr. Sherman. Some sort of cry for help. And then, finally then, things might get better.

Or he wanted to print it, take it home, and lay in the street.

Which, shit, that was a bit much even for him.

The next few minutes were a blur.

When he saw Connor he was half convinced he was going to get decked, not a name on his cast, large scrawl in sharpie. It really did turn into a cruel joke though, his letter in Connor’s fist. It didn’t quite make sense - everything he said about the parts naming Zoe - but he didn’t have time to argue. 

For the second time that day he was alone.

Boots on linoleum.

He was alone.

* * *

Evan wasn’t sure where else to turn.

“Jared-” It felt wrong, like he wasn’t allowed to call him, some oddly specific rule forming in his head to stop him from doing anything again. From asking for help. Just.. really, anything. He could feel the sweat on his forehead. Could feel his stammer slip into a slight stutter as nerves made his tongue feel too big for his mouth. “Connor.. uh, Connor Murphy- I don’t know what to d-do, mm, I.. He just-”

With each hint of annoyance or nonchalance from Jared, Evan felt his resolve crack a bit more. After that morning (and afternoon, and the last year) he wasn’t sure what he expected. Well, he knew what he expected and it was exactly what he got. He just had to be stupid enough to hope for something else.

“Just go take a bath or jerk off or something. Chill out.” Jared had a way of just turning mountains into molehills - couldn’t he see how Evan’s shoulders shook? Couldn’t he see how  _ hard  _ this was?

“Bye Jared,” it was decisive. More so than Evan thought he was capable of.

When Evan shut his laptop he let himself crack. The tremors in his shoulders spread down his spine and he gasped for breath as he cried. Alone in his bed.

He felt stupid to have expected anything else.

To have hoped at all.

* * *

“Connor’s here.” When it came out a little weak and breathless Evan couldn’t help but cringe. He placed his palms flat against the lunch table, in an attempt to keep himself steady because, shit, his heart was beating out of his chest and his knees were practically knocking. Dealing with the fallout of his pathetic little therapy letter being exposed would be enough - he could practically see the trending hashtag. Retweets, quote tweets, subtweets. It’d get crossposted to Facebook and his mom would see it and-  _ fuck. _ But now Connor was here, he was sitting across the lunchroom as if he wasn’t crafting some plan to publicly humiliate Evan. As if he’d been burned he jerked his hands back, fingers twisting in the hem of his sweatshirt.

“Yeah, he goes here.”

Honestly, he wasn’t sure what he’d expected. At some point Jared went from a constant to a wavering connection. He’d been the only person who seemed to care where Evan’s head was at - he was the voice of reason, even if he was rough around the edges with it. He was ground control. His fears got further confirmed every day.

Now it seemed like he was content to let that all disappear. To let everything between them disappear.

Without the tether he was just floating.

Something akin to a whine clawed its way from his throat and he stumbled backwards a step before spinning on his heel. Keeping his gaze firmly on the ground he headed straight out of the lunchroom, heading for the bathrooms. The careful rate at which his steps echoed in the empty hall was steadier than he could ever hope to be himself.

* * *

The first time Zoe talked to him Evan was sure it was going to be either so she could deck him for part of the letter Connor took which concerned her, or - if she was feeling gracious.. or he looked pathetic enough - she was going to warn him that Connor was about to ruin his life. 

Either way, she dropped down next to him, sliding her back down the wall and setting her bag next to herself as she occupied the space on the floor next to him. It couldn’t have been coincidental - she looked right  _ at  _ him and then took the spot next to him while the whole hall was empty. When silence blanketed them for a second he couldn’t help but feel his anxiety spiking. It just didn’t make sense. The only time they’d spoken was after Connor had shoved him back during the first week of school, after that lunch where Jared had prodded at him. Everything about it was.. the opposite of noteworthy but now he wondered if there was something he’d missed in Zoe’s ‘are you okay?’. 

“School’s over, y’know.” It was blunt in a way that made Evan cringe a little, here he was sitting in a back hallway after school waiting for time to pass so he could catch one of the last buses. It wasn’t necessarily that cold out, but.. he knew when the bus came and it was nicer to just.. be alone until that overwhelming sensory experience. “You’re.. Jared’s friend, right?”

“Oh, uh. Something like that,” Evan murmurs, part of him couldn’t help but be glad she didn’t seem to be too caught up in wanting to know  _ why  _ he was sitting alone here. The mention of Jared’s name had his heart right back to racing, though. Maybe he was using Zoe as a messenger, couldn’t bear to talk to him himself. He  _ had  _ been hanging around Connor. Maybe Connor showed him the note and now they were just mocking him endlessly and-

“Hm,” it was simple and contemplative, enough to run his train of thought into a brick wall. That.. really didn’t help at all, there wasn’t anything to glean from  _ that.  _ Had Jared mentioned him? Did Jared talk to Zoe too? Since when was he friendly with the Murphys? “He said you’ve been weird.”

Oh. 

That was real  _ rich  _ coming from him.

A uncharacteristic spark of anger rocked through him - sure, maybe he had been weird, but it wasn’t like he was the only one. Jared was hanging around  _ Connor,  _ that was more jarring than anything  _ he’d _ been up to. If anything he just.. spent more time alone. Which, wouldn’t Jared be happy? If Evan was being such a  _ bother  _ or whatever.

“Well I think that, um, just.. we’re not as close as we used to- like, used to be,” he sputtered a little, forcing the words out before he could dwell too long. Thinking too hard would get him nowhere except deeper in whatever hole he must have dug himself in Jared’s eyes. “We just don’t, um, talk that- talk that much or whatever. It’s really nothing, just uh- just a lot of schoolwork. I’m fine. I’ll- maybe I’ll talk to him.”

As the words tumbled out he turned to grab his bag from where it was leaned on the wall, stumbling to his feet as he shrugged it on. The last words that left his lips were accompanied with a wave as he started backing up down the hall.

“Thanks, um. See ya,” he tacked on, not wanting to seem rude. Because really, if anything, the fact that Zoe checked in on him made him feel.. a little better. Like someone saw him. Like someone noticed. Huh.

* * *

The run in after school turned into a more regular event, which.. Oddly it made him sort of twitchy. There was a fine line between feeling noticed and feeling like he couldn’t get away. Not that Zoe seeking him out inflicted some sort of burden on him - the company was nice - sometimes she was just sort of a lot.

Or maybe Evan was just  _ not  _ a lot.

Which, yeah. That checked out. 

What he hadn’t expected was for it to keep happening, though. It became a sort of ritual, spending mornings together. Evan would set up shop in the back hall, sitting on the wall across from the band room door. It was never long until Zoe would join him, sliding down the wall until she could sit next to him. Most of the time they just sat in silence, either on their phones or with Zoe on her phone while Evan pulled his knees up, resting his chin there and just.. letting his eyes unfocus.

Though, this often ended in Zoe seeing some of his worst moments. The moments before the first bell rang. Moments where he thought about tracking Jared down in the halls, asking him what was  _ wrong  _ with them.

Instead he always just stayed put in his new spot, entertaining brief conversation with Zoe until the warning bell.

* * *

Some days were worse.

Evan wondered how bad it would be if he feigned illness, stopping in the nurse’s office instead of making his way to Spanish class.

* * *

In the end he didn’t. Skip class, that was. He  _ knew  _ they were getting a project and the last thing he wanted was to ditch Jared, even if Jared didn’t seem too keen on working with him. Or, like, he was going to assume that much. They hadn’t really been talking and part of Evan wouldn’t be surprised if Jared didn’t want  _ anything  _ to do with him at all. Caught in some weird dance, they both just avoided each other. Avoided eye contact most days.

“Hey.” It was the first thing he’s managed to get through to Jared in two weeks.

Shit.

“Yo.” Why did Jared make everything so hard? So stilted?

At least they’d get to work on something together. Sure, it’d be remote and the most he’d get from Jared would probably be a text, but it was something. The most they had in two weeks, at least. 

* * *

“I’m.. I’m really sorry,” Evan knew he was just a broken record, he always was. Sneakers squeaked over tile as he picked up his pace, walking briskly to keep up with Jared as he headed to his next class. It was just a B (well, a B+ specifically) but Evan  _ knew  _ how Mrs. Kleinman could be. Normally teachers went light on him but they were seniors now, that was probably why he’d lost points for his nerves and how they’d affected his speaking. It still wasn’t fair - for Jared to get dragged down with him - but he could only do so much.

It would be one thing if Jared was mad - okay, well Evan was pretty sure he was mad. Correction: it would be one thing if Jared was vocalizing whatever anger he must be holding. Or disappointment. Or anything. Yeah, it would  _ hurt,  _ but the silence wasn’t great either. While they walked he watched Jared’s fingers curl into his backpack straps while  _ he  _ clutched at his cast, absently flicking pieces of chipping paint off.

“I didn’t.. I’m sorry.”

None of it got any answer.

Evan stopped out in the middle of the hallway, stumbling a little while someone clipped his backpack walking by behind him. When he looked up Jared was gone, ducked into his next class. Health class. It wasn’t hard to figure out his schedule but it still made Evan feel a little embarrassed that he knew it.

While he walked to his own next period he trained his eyes on his cast where it was cradled close to his body. He’d tried for a simple mountain landscape, layering paint to try and build it up. For a while he considered dropping out and going to live with his dad, going to see the mountains himself. It would get him out of his mom’s hair - even if he preferred her, there was always some guilt - at the very least, he knew he wasn’t exactly the best son. Now or ever.

The thought made him a little sick, though.

There wasn’t much longer until the cast came off but he did consider covering it again, maybe going for an open field scene.

* * *

**Jared 🦦**

_ September 9, 3:22 pm _

sorry about the grade  
the spanish thing  
the presentation

_ September 9, 4:06 pm _

i can ask for the grade to be split?  
like so you can get an a still  
since it was me who kinda fucked it up

* * *

  
  


**Alana B**

_ September 20, 4:04 pm _

hey ev! this is alana :)  
i sent the doc link to your school email

yea i got it!

_ September 21, 3:48 pm _

i got your analysis section, looks good!  
also youre doing the bibliography, right?

_ September 21, 7:23 pm _

shit sorry yeah   
ill get on that like tonight hopefully   
are all ur sources on there?

yup!  
i left the link i used down at the bottom

_ September 22, 3:33 pm _

bibliography looks good but i think we need one more source?  
i can grab one real quick and toss it in!

_ September 22, 5:12 pm _

looks like everything is mostly done!  
i think the only thing to polish would be the paragraph connecting out parts  
i dont know if you wanted to do that?

_ September 22, 8:46 pm _

i went ahead and edited that paragraph  
hope everything is okay ev! ill see you at school? :)

* * *

Seeing Alana had filled him with guilt. This time she’d managed to corner him before school, before he’d found his spot next to Zoe in the back hall. It was probably the only good interaction he’d had all day and he still came out of it feeling incredibly guilty. They parted with a promise that he’d do one last read of their paper to make sure everything was in place before they needed to turn it in.

At least she didn’t seem mad. He knew he deserved to get chewed out in some regard, but he just softly told her he’d gotten his cast off and spent time with his mom. Her eyes sort of softened and she gently touched his shoulder while she left. He didn’t deserve that sort of understanding for the tight-lipped lie. Well,  _ obviously  _ he’d gotten his cast off. It was the other half. The night wasn’t spent with his mom, he spent it in bed, staring at the ceiling while tears brimmed in his eyes but never fell.

From there the day didn’t really get worse, just.. boring. Boring in the same bland way that just left him feeling heavy and drained at the same time.

For a second he let himself believe that maybe something could pick up, that he could get the ball rolling. He teetered on the edge of the library while people pushed past in the hall, waiting for the crowd to thin out a bit. Until Jared passed - he sort of jolted, ready to rush over to his side, ready for  _ anything.  _ But Jared just ducked his head, pretended he didn’t see. He had to have seen him, right? He  _ had  _ to have.

The hand he’d almost raised in a short wave made a detour, gripping his now cast-free forearm instead.

* * *

Working with Jared seemed like a special sort of torture made just for him. Not because he didn’t like Jared. Really, if anything, it was because Jared didn’t like  _ him.  _ They did the whole thing online, using a shared document and just typing in their vocab and sentences. It was painful in the sense that they didn’t even need to talk to hash out the work - they just both felt it out together. Which meant that they didn’t talk. 

At all.

Working in tandem wasn’t uncommon but it was a far cry from the days when they’d lay out on Jared’s bedroom floor making posters together for a class. They never really talked about the actual project but they talked about everything else. They talked about games and books and movies. They talked about themselves, about each other.

Now Evan just stared at the blank, untouched chat client on the side of their document.

* * *

“It’s, um- it’s been a while,” Evan had rehearsed what he was going to say the whole bus ride that morning, that didn’t make it any easier to force the words out once he’d managed to cut him off in his rounds through the back halls, “I was, like, just-”

Jared tugged his headphones off and, maybe stupidly, it made Evan’s chest a little tight. The fact that Jared was still willing to even listen to him talk, that is.

“Mhm.”

Maybe before it would’ve seemed more teasing and encouraging, now it just sounded like Jared was waiting for him to be done. Which, he probably was. He still paused in his pacing, though, giving Evan his focus.

“I just thought- well, so, tomorrow’s Friday.” As always, he started out in a roundabout way. In his defense, Jared really wasn’t giving off the most receptive vibes, it had more and more hesitation leaking into his words.

“Glad to hear you learned the days of the week.”

It left a cold spot in Evan’s chest, it sounded too close to all of their childhood teasing, just skewed to the left. Something that once would have been funny, that once would have made Evan crack into a fit of laughter had his breathing growing a little shallow. Maybe it was an overreaction, hell Jared had said worse that he’d laughed at, but.. Something about it felt pointed. Felt a little decisive. Everything was beginning to feel sort of like an end.

“I was, um, like,” his voice didn’t carry as far now, faltering as he felt his throat tighten, “I was wondering if you- they, um, added a ton of, like, shitty Halloween movies to Netflix.. I- I just thought it could be..”

“Dude.” Evan felt his heart sink - he knew what was coming. “Some people are busy. Prepping college shit, homework, laying in bed staring at the ceiling.”

“Right.” His voice cracked somewhere in the middle of the word, causing his cheeks to heat up with shame. Their back and forth had been suffering for years - at the fault of both of them - but he was trying now. He was  _ trying.  _ Maybe it was just too late and he hadn’t wanted to admit it. It seemed like it was too late, anyways. “Okay. Yeah, whatever.”

There was a soft squeak from his sneakers while he turned around quickly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Maybe it had always been too late.

* * *

“Ev?”

Zoe’s voice sort of turned his own nickname into a trigger word. As soon as he was sliding down the wall to sit next to her he already felt the tears building up in his eyes.

* * *

“No, it’s fine.” Evan waved his mom off with a shrug and a tense smile - she didn’t need to leave money to order dinner. He wouldn’t need it. Though, the reasons were different than what was spilling out of his mouth, “I’m gonna go to- to Jared’s. We, uh.. like, we’ve got Spanish to study for.”

Guilt pooled in his chest as his mom smiled at that, giving his shoulder a squeeze as she made a move for her keys on the way to the front door.

“Well, you boys don’t stay up too late, then. I’m glad you’re hanging out again. You two were always so sweet together.”

Only once he heard her car pull out of the driveway did Evan let himself crack, fingers trembling as they came up to hide his face, to fruitlessly push tears away.

Had they  _ always  _ been?

It was hard to remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can all have 2 chapters in one day as a treat <3 warning: this is chapter 10 from evans pov. the act itself isnt described but it is evans pov and how its affecting him having attempted to overdose. no character death here tho !!!

It happened slowly, yet all at once.

It was stupid, he knew it was stupid. That was the thing.

Evan had always been very acutely aware of everything he was doing wrong.

Now that mile long list of mistakes just happened to have something else tacked onto it, and.. well, he was just hoping it would be a good closing point. A strong conclusion.

His mom had always said he was a good writer.

It was only right that he tried to put that to use, the one thing he could do. So he pulled his laptop over from his nightstand, carefully pecking in his password with one hand before opening up a text file. As if he’d hit a wall, he froze, now that he was there with a document open, he wasn’t sure where to go. No one tells you how to write these sort of things.

With each key his fingers started to feel a little weaker, buckling under the pressure of a simple press. He felt like he was underwater, backtracking to fix typos and realizing he didn’t even know what he was writing. It only took a good few minutes before he deleted everything he wrote, starting over.

A haze slowly settled over his brain and he wanted to just cry - to scream. Anything. But he felt oddly calm.

In the end he settled on something short and sweet, well, at least he thought so - considering that the screen was just a fuzzy ball of light now he couldn’t be sure. He just wanted it to be enough. Why was nothing ever enough?

It was like he was on the brink of something. Anything.

But only almost.

He only ever almost figured it out.

Itching at his arm he almost wished the rough plaster was there to keep his hands from clawing at the skin. It was left red in his wake, puffy lines from where his nails agitated the skin. He stumbled out of bed, catching himself on the nightstand before he could crumble. After a beat he grabbed the other bottle on his nightstand, nearly full. Tucking the Ativan in his pocket he grabbed his nearly empty water bottle before leaving the room.

As he left he nearly tripped on the mess. Clothes. Cups. Water bottles.

It was chilly outside. He didn’t remember getting outside, he was looking at his own front door and just asking himself how. But he just couldn’t find an answer. Instead he reached out, checking the door was locked behind him. It was.

There was something he did right.

On autopilot he just started to walk, feeling like he was floating. 

Did he not put shoes on? His feet felt cold, there was a scratch of pavement on his socks. It made him feel itchy. 

Without thinking he veered off towards the park at the end of the next block, nearly tripping as he moved from sidewalk to grass.

Grass.

The grass was wet - it felt sort of slippery under his socks.

His knees felt a little weak.

His phone was ringing?

Ringing.

Ringing.

Why did he pick up?

Jared.

The Ativan rattled in his pocket.

It rattled in his hand.

Rattled in his mouth.

His mouth was dry.

When did he sit down?

Where did he put that water bottle?

The lingering rain on the grass made his jeans damp.

His head felt heavy.

The creek sounded nice.

Calm.

It made him a little tired, though.

It was cold outside.

Colder than he thought.

Jared picked him up.

So many questions.

Couldn’t he see he couldn’t answer questions right now?

He was tired.

tired.

cold.

jared said no, kept saying no.

pulled him.

dragged him.

carried him.

it made his head hurt.

made his stomach hurt.

it hurt.

his mouth moved.

he couldn’t tell what had come out.

jared just shook his head.

the car moved fast.

faster than it should have.

his stomach hurt.

he was just tired.

it was warm in the car.

jared said no.

always said no.

always says no.

his shoulder hurt.

couldn’t he go to sleep?

jared said no.

just a little?

jared said no.

it was okay - he was just closing his eyes.

jared wouldn’t notice.

he never noticed before.

jared said no.

they stopped.

the car stopped.

the jolt made his stomach hurt.

jared talked so loud.

pulled.

pulled him.

his feet hurt.

the pavement was hard.

everything got so loud.

and bright.

and painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning just.. mentions of the overdose aftermath again they just talk about it n stuff
> 
> a new chapter in the same month?? >:] next one is prepped too already !

“This.. um, I don’t know if he took anything else.”

Everything was a rush as Evan was hefted up onto a gurney, Jared couldn’t take his eyes off of him even as he handed the empty pill bottle over to a nurse. He wasn’t even fully sure of  _ what  _ he’d said, choking out something about ‘friend’ and ‘overdose’. 

“Yes.. I- we called his mom. I’m.. Oh. Evan. It’s- Evan Hansen.”

Of course they had his files from when he broke his arm. Only once Evan was wheeled down through the double doors did Jared finally look away, getting a good look at the woman at the front desk for the first time. She had her own gaze trained on the computer now, reading some information to him. Evan’s address? He could confirm that. Everything. He could confirm everything.

The secretary leaned over and said something to the guy next to her.  _ Let them know.  _ Let them know that it  _ is  _ Evan Hansen, they’d have his charts ready after they pumped his stomach or filled him with whatever counteractive medicines they had. Jared  _ still  _ wasn’t familiar with the intricacies of the aftermath of an overdose. The guy clicked his mouse a few times before ducking away with a half jog. To let them know.

“We’re going to call his mom, you can take a seat, sweetheart.”

Jared couldn’t even get his mouth to work enough to give a response. His hands fell limply to his sides as he turned from the desk, pausing for a second. The waiting room was mostly empty, the few people around pretended like they weren’t  _ just _ looking at him. His legs felt heavy while he dragged himself to the closest empty chair, dropping onto it like a dead weight. Automatically one of his hands moved to pat over his thigh, looking for the weight of his phone. When he couldn’t find it he looked around for a second - he  _ knew  _ that wouldn't make it materialize but he  _ was  _ still sort of disoriented.

All he could do now was wait. And how do you pass the time?

With a short puff of breath he pushed himself up from where he was sitting, willing his legs to carry him back to the sliding double doors. As he did it he felt all eyes on him; what were they thinking? Part of him wanted to call out with a promise that he’d be right back. 

Everyone was silent.

Jared was silent.

* * *

**ev’s mom** **  
**_Missed Call (3)_

* * *

“Oh, Jared.” Heidi’s hands went to his shoulders first before she pulled him into a hug. It only lasted a second before she leaned back again, her makeup was messy. Everyone was looking. The waiting room was quiet. “Thank you.”

“I.. brought him as fast as I could.” Really, he wasn’t sure what to say - what do you say? 

They weren’t even sure he was okay.

How could she thank him?

“You did the right thing.”

Jared wasn’t sure he did.

Jared  _ also _ didn’t know when exactly he got to be almost the same height as Heidi. He barely had to look up at her. He always used to have to look up at her.

What Jared had expected was some scolding, something about how he shouldn’t have risked it. He waited to be told he should have called the ambulance. He waited for Heidi to get mad - not that he’d ever seen her  _ mad  _ \- or scared, to say something about how Jared could’ve been the reason she lost her  _ baby.  _ Well, technically he didn’t know if Evan was even okay still. And technically.. he might’ve been the reason Evan even-

He knew it wasn’t fair to think like that. No matter what Evan said when - if - he came out, it wasn’t his  _ fault.  _ He didn’t put the pills in his hand. 

That being said, he couldn’t help but feel like he could’ve prevented it, though.

“I’m going.. I’ll see if I can check in on him now. I’ll let you know what room we’re in, alright Jare?”

“I.. yeah.” He was vaguely aware that he was nodding, watching Heidi’s hand fall from his shoulder as she turned away to move up towards the front desk. Eyes were on him again as she was led back through the double doors, standing alone in the middle of the emergency room waiting area.

Leaving felt wrong.

Instead he took a few steps backwards so he could sink back into his chair, pulling his phone out and scrolling through his contacts. His fingers shook, nearly missing the contact as he tapped on it before selecting call. It wasn’t even 10pm, not too late for a phone call.

Connor stayed up until almost 1am every day  _ anyways. _

“What do you want?” 

Jared didn’t expect any other greeting and the normalcy almost made him want to laugh. As soon as he opened his mouth, though, his breath caught and he was suddenly, acutely aware of how close he was to just shattering. 

Evan just tried to overdose.

Not that he could  _ say  _ that, though.

“The note,” despite his best attempts, Jared’s voice came out a little rough, “you.. I need that note. The one Evan printed. Like.. first day of school.”

“Come on? This shit again?” Any other time hearing Connor huff out a laugh might have felt like a victory, now it just felt like torture. Like defeat. Or a death sentence. “That was months ago, I thought we were over it.”

“Literally who fucking said that?” The bite in Jared’s voice was lessened by the waver that clung to the words.

“Considering you haven’t brought it up, in what..?” The pause made Jared’s skin crawl, to think that Connor was trying to be funny  _ now  _ of all times. He could picture him just laying in bed, a slight grin on his face while he stared up at his ceiling and pretended to think as he absentmindedly combed fingers through his hair. “It’s been months. So I’d say you were the one-”

“Fuck off!” That earned him a few sideways glances from the other people in the waiting room. “I never said.. I never said that I was ‘over it’ or whatever.”

“Christ, man.” Jared heard rustling on the other end, like Connor was sitting up in bed. “Did something happen? What’s your problem?”

“Do you have the note?”

“I’ll look in the morning, if I find it I can bring it to sch-”

“No,” it was a lot less firm than Jared wanted it to be, “do you have it? Look- just.. look right now. I need it now.”

“Are you crying?”

“That’s..” Jared drew in a sharp breath, hard blinking to clear the gathering tears from his eyes. “Just.. I need it. I need you to look for it I-”

“Fucking hell, I get it. I get it, alright. I’m looking.”

Jared waited until he could hear the muffled sound of drawers opening and closing before hanging up. His breathing was too uneven to keep on the line, especially if Connor was already picking up on how tears were brimming in his eyes. Maybe they were friends, sure. This wasn’t for  _ anyone  _ to see, though. The last person who saw him cry was Evan, actually, probably three years ago. Even if Connor couldn’t  _ see  _ him.. it was the principle of the thing. 

Besides, that was just something he kept wrapped up. From everyone these days.

* * *

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_ October 3, 7:04 pm _

[img]  
lmao

oh fuck you   
how the Fuck did u get that

pure skill

🖕   
ive been soft resetting for that for weeks

get better at the game then

shiny pokemon are all luck! fuck off!

_ October 6, 9:18 pm _

whats your issue

fuck off   
do u have the note

its been months its not anywhere  
mustve fallen out of a pocket or got tossed out

ur kidding   
i cant fucking believe you

its a piece of fucking paper asshole  
why are you so obsessed with it

i told u from the start   
i just need it   
were you fuckin lying about having it

what so is that the only reason you fucking talk to me  
ur kidding me  
the whole time?

no thats not   
shit   
i cant do this rn   
ill txt u later or whatever

* * *

Closing out of the thread Jared’s attention immediately flickered down to his second most recent text. It was from Evan’s mom, giving him the number of the room Evan was moved to. He wasn’t entirely sure of the logistics of visitors - it wasn’t  _ that  _ late, but was he allowed up? With a frown he realized, though, he could just ask and Heidi would come back down and bring him up if they didn’t let him up on his own. Honestly, it flooded him with a short rush of guilt, just knowing that all he had to do was ask and Heidi would be at his side.

What had he done to deserve that?

Taking note of the room number he locked his phone and tucked it in his pocket. After a short exchange he was led in the right direction before being pointed the rest of the way, moving from the ER side of the hospital up an elevator and left in a hallway with room numbers on either side. Again, it wasn’t terribly late, but the floor was quiet. Most of the rooms had shut doors and the only substantial noise Jared heard was a few nurses chatting at a center desk area. 

Bypassing all of that Jared kept his hands tucked in his pockets, only glancing up from the tiled floor to scan room numbers. The door to Evan’s room was open.

It was only once he was stuck right outside the door - feet unmoving - that he realized there was no way he would be able to face Evan. At least not yet.

Honestly, he didn’t even want to  _ see  _ him. 

Knowing he was alive was enough.

He needed to do something, though. Needed to see that letter. Needed to look for  _ anything,  _ any sort of sign. Any sort of information. 

Granted, Evan hadn’t seemed great the last few months but somehow Jared wanted to say this all felt out of left field.

Knocking gently on the open door he backed away, crossing his arms tightly over his chest.

“Oh, you can- oh. Jared.” Heidi looked tired. So fucking tired. “Hey sweetheart, are you.. did you want to come see him? He’s sleeping but.. I’m sure he’d be..”

“No, um. It’s.. I’m,” Jared gently cut her off, shaking his head he hugged himself a little tighter. “Sorry,” was it ironic that he was starting to sound like Evan, “I was.. did.. does he have his house key? I thought I could.. head over to your guys’ place. I can.. see if he.. tried to, um, leave.. anything? And.. I can check on the house, y’know.”

The unsaid was easy to pick apart.

The silence was deafening, though.

“Sorry, if not.. that’s fine. I just.. thought you’d want to stay here with him-”

“No. That’s.. Thank you, Jare, hun. If you’re sure, that’s alright. At least to check on the house. Just make sure you don’t stay up too late, alright?” Before he could backpedal too hard Heidi dug a lanyard from her pocket, the same one Jared had gotten Evan for his 14th birthday. When he took it he almost felt itchy where it touched him, like it was wrong. Like he shouldn’t have been allowed to hold it. “Let me know if you find anything.. and let me know if you  _ need  _ anything, alright? There’s food in the house. Don’t.. Don’t worry too hard about it, though. Okay?”

Jared could pick up on her hesitance but she’d known him long enough to know that his mind had been firmly set on the track of investigation.

* * *

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_ October 6, 9:26 pm _

it kind of went through the wash  
i found it though

_ October 6, 9:32 pm _

oh okay   
yeah if u could like send that

yeah  
its sort of hard to read but mostly okay  
[img]

thanks

_ October 6, 9:38 pm _

im not ur friend just for the note or w/e   
thats not what i meant yanno

i know

* * *

With a huff Jared dropped his head into his hands, parked in his own driveway, sparing his house a glance after a second. It was still dark, his parents were still out. In the end he decided it’d be better to leave his car at home - Evan’s place was close enough to walk to - he didn’t know how long he’d be out and his parents would assume he was home without checking his room. The last thing he wanted was to explain his night to them. He’d sooner don an apron and try to manage Connor in a cramped kitchen than even  _ think  _ about talking to his family about  _ this.  _

There were bigger fish to fry, though.

The note, from the first day of school.

Now that the conversation was effectively over he pulled the texts back up, tapping on the picture that Connor sent. He held his phone closer to his face, squinting partially against the brightness and partially to try and bring the slightly blurry words into focus.

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day again so make sure u peep ch 13! and another weird short chapter end ch note has some explanations n stuff

Dear Evan Hansen,

Nobody else understands me. What’s worse is, nobody else wants to try. You’re the best friend I have.

Or, let’s face it: the only friend I have. It’s just you and me here, so let’s be honest with ourselves. Because why not, right?

Mom didn’t want me. Dad didn't want to stay. Mom got stuck with me. Mom had to deal with me. Dad got to start over. Why didn’t we get to start over? Nobody let us start over. Why does nobody ever let you start over? I want to start over so badly, I want to be somebody new, but I look in the mirror and, big surprise, it’s still the same old me.

Everybody else has a family. I just have parents. Everybody else has a home. I just have a house. A lonely little house, with a tiny little bed, and the carpets have smelled weird since the day we moved in. Everybody else has dreams. I just have setbacks. Everybody else has a network. I just have Facebook. Everybody else has connections. I just have collisions.

And then there’s Zoe. Like, all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Like, everything I am is invested in Zoe. Like, my entire existence is wrapped up in Zoe. Like, everything would be ok if only there were Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But I feel like if I knew her, I could love her. And I feel like if she knew me…

Who am I kidding? Let’s be honest with ourselves. Let’s just try to be honest with ourselves.

I don’t know if I could even be honest if I tried. Not even with myself. How horrible is that? We can try, though. Let’s just try. Try to be honest. Here goes nothing. But here goes everything:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world !
> 
> so.. yes its supposed to cut off like that just wait and see >:] also ! this is the first draft evan note from the through the window book and i decided to go with this version for.. reasons


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> were almost there!! i really wanna finish this before the year ends so !! here we go !! well on the way there  
> tw for like,, suicide note? its not very long or anything considering the condition ev was in oops,, evs attempt is referenced as well

It really wasn’t a surprise that the Hansens’ house was dark - honestly, it’d be more worrying to see it lit up and warm. Not only because he just _knew_ no one was home, just.. contextually. It would feel wrong.

When he crossed the threshold and gently shut the door behind him, though, he couldn’t help but feel a little bad because he wanted it to be. He wanted it to be warm and inviting. Sure, it was _Evan’s_ _home_ but it was a little bit Jared’s too. Maybe that was selfish of him to think but part of him longed to just be 13, walking over to Evan’s place one summer night because his parents were fighting again. Because he knew he had a _place_ at Evan’s.

Regardless, he wasn’t any of those things. Obviously. He was 18, carefully making his way towards Evan’s room in the dark. Winter was approaching, the cold seeped into the house despite the insulation. For once his parents _weren’t_ fighting - at least he assumed, with them being at dinner - but he was sure that would come back. That was the only constant he got to keep in the end.

Evan’s bedroom door was slightly open, it creaked gently when Jared slipped past it. It had always creaked. When they were little Heidi could hear them sneak to the kitchen for snacks in the middle of a sleepover.

Jared nearly tripped over Evan’s shoes as he carefully made his way towards his bed. He stepped around water bottles and piles of fabric which were everything from abandoned socks to shirts. The water bottles were new - Evan used to always go with reusable ones. He got _Jared_ to get his own too; the Star Wars water bottle was still sitting on his desk at home.

A sad stack of plates sat on his dresser. Jared tried not to look too long.

The bed wasn’t made but he still gingerly lowered himself onto it to sit, as if he was scared of disrupting anything. Like he was scared of disrupting _Evan._ This was all Evan, the mess, the bed, the sheets, the hoodie balled up on his pillow. It was a little unrecognizable but Jared _knew_ it was Evan. It was only unrecognizable by _his_ design, his stupid fucking plan.

Separate, graduate, move on.

What good did it do either of them?

Shuffling to lean on the headboard with a pillow squished under the small of his back, he pulled Evan’s laptop onto his lap. The screen had gone dark where Evan had left in on the corner of his bed when he.. left. Either way, it seemed like the best place to start. As he woke it up from sleep mode it sort of sunk in _what_ he was looking for. Since the hospital he’d been running on autopilot - why did he want to find Evan’s suicide note?

What good would it do?

He was already here, though. If he didn’t look at it he’d think about it for years to come. Part of him hoped it might give him some insight, as if he wasn’t already aware of his own shortcomings. But maybe it _could_ help, to see what Evan thought were his own, too. Jared knew enough about what he was doing. Maybe now it was time to see Evan’s side.

Of course his password was the same, the user icon was the same too; a picture of them together freshman year. It was taken on his birthday, the same day he got the laptop. One of the first things he did was get Jared to set the picture Heidi took of them on her phone as his icon, asking how to get it from phone to laptop. After that they transferred a photo from Evan’s phone for his background, a dumb selfie from _Jared’s_ birthday a few months earlier.

When the laptop unlocked Jared saw he’d changed the background. Not that he expected the same thing nearly four years later, just.. It was a nice picture, a soft landscape. Trees and ferns. 

It fit him.

There was a browser tab up, just minimized. Jared slid his fingers over the trackpad to tap it, pulling up a google search. He hard blinked, fingers twitching a little before he quickly pulled up the full search history.

> **Today - Thursday, October 6, 2016**
> 
> 7:15 pm lexapro od - Google Search www.google.com
> 
> 7:14 pm ativan od - Google Search www.google.com
> 
> |
> 
> 6:03 pm Notifications / Twitter twitter.com
> 
> 6:02 pm (1) Home / Twitter twitter.com
> 
> 6:00 pm twitter - Google Search www.google.com
> 
> |
> 
> 4:35 pm YouTube www.youtube.com

Jared didn’t bother any longer, closing out the browser without a second thought. He _knew_ Evan OD'd - he _found_ him - but something about seeing evidence in writing hit closer than he thought it would have. Hell, it just seemed painfully comical to see it written out, to know he’d looked it up. His shoulders shook a little as he hunched over, fingers scrambling over the trackpad so he could just pull up Evan’s Word documents, one was open. If seeing _that_ was enough to have his throat tight looking for more wasn’t a good idea.

But he had to know.

Before his eyes could properly focus on the screen he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He’d left his ringer on in case Heidi sent him anything but a look told him it was someone else. Even though he had no intentions of responding he unlocked his phone, properly looking at the small chain of messages.

* * *

**the more cool murphy 🎸**

_October 6, 11:46 am_

youre better than this

_October 6, 9:46 pm_

hey are you okay  
connor said you called  
did something happen with evan?  
he said something about a note

* * *

There was no way Jared had the energy to respond to that. Sure, at the end of the day he’d probably have to say he ended up closer to Zoe than Connor, but.. This was his to handle, at least for now. This wasn’t something to unpack now.

Locking his phone he turned his attention back to Evan’s laptop, scanning over the untitled document he’d had up. The low light had him squinting against the brightness, only helped by the dim glow of Evan’s bedside lamp. 

Nearly every word had either a blue or red line under it - it only took Jared a second to realize it must have been written _after_ Evan had taken at least some of the pills. He wasn’t sure if it hurt more that way, or if a note from a clear mind would be too much to bear.

> sorry i dont kxnow why im like this. mom im sorry i couldnt bme like you wanted i really treid. tell zoe shes been really cool and a gosod friend/ alana too shpes been really nice but wze dont talk mauch. tell ljared im just sorry too/ 
> 
> i love you im sorry

Jared wanted to yell.

He wanted to slam the laptop shut, to bury his face in Evan’s pillows, to _cry._

Nothing. No insight.

There had to be more, there had to be something.

Rubbing at his face under his glasses he used his free hand to close out of the document, instead moving to open a file, showing all of Evan’s documents. There had to be something somewhere, a hidden message. A cry for help. An explanation. Sure, Evan had always been anxious, maybe a little sad, but Jared didn’t know it was _this_ bad.

He never would have left him if he _knew._

He never would have left him treading water until he inevitably slipped under.

Evan’s room was cold, it felt fitting. Jared’s fingers were cold as he scrolled through the document names, looking for any hints. Anything at all.

It was only a fraction, Jared knew that anything they worked on together remotely wasn’t on Word, but Docs, but there had to be something _here._ Word had his more personal stuff, Evan had mentioned once he always did his birthday wishlists on Word. Jared wasn’t really sure why he used different programs at what seemed like random, but who was he to judge?

> _bday 18.docx_
> 
> _bdaywishlist16.docx_
> 
> _dkuhskdsjd.docx_
> 
> _done.docx_
> 
> _dsjhksad.docx_
> 
> _for therapy.. 2!!.docx_
> 
> _for therapy.docx_
> 
> _fuck it.docx_
> 
> _hell project.docx_
> 
> _idk.docx_
> 
> _jare birthday gift.docx_
> 
> _ksadhskd.docx_
> 
> _lab report fuckadhaskjd.docx_
> 
> _lab reports fuck off challenge.docx_
> 
> _lap report chem 1.docx_
> 
> _macbeth shit for ap lit.docx_
> 
> _operation j bday gift.docx_
> 
> _paper 3.docx_
> 
> _relly stupd.docx_
> 
> _scholarship essay 1.docx_
> 
> _therapy is a NIGHTMARE.docx_
> 
> _therapy stuff.docx_
> 
> _to kill a mockingbird essay.docx_
> 
> _wishlist 17.docx_

The list seemed pretty innocuous, simple things, scattered school work. Well, and therapy.. notes? Letters? Were those the letters Evan had talked about?

He couldn’t help remember the note that Connor sent him. The _letter._ It had ended without a sign off, too abruptly. Did he never finish it, or did Connor only get some of it?

It felt wrong, though. To open _therapy letters_ when he and Evan weren’t.. really, weren’t even friends. Now that the rush of the night was over and he was curled up alone in Evan’s bed everything felt slow and heavy. There was no rush anymore, right?

Would it hurt to just pick through some files for old times sake before actually _looking._

Jared recognized some of the files as school projects they’d worked on together, laying on the floor of his room.

> _hell project.docx_
> 
> **Velocity and Momentum Assessment - Golf Ball**
> 
> By: Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman
> 
> A golf ball’s surface is covered in small indentations called ‘dimples’. These allow the ball to fly farther and faster. “A golf ball has dimples to reduce wind resistance or aerodynamic drag. When you reduce it, you can make golf balls go a lot farther...A golf ball with dimples will go almost twice as far as the golf ball without” ([ http://www.nbclearn.com/science-of-golf/cuecard/64135 ](http://www.nbclearn.com/science-of-golf/cuecard/64135)). The dimples make the wind stay closer to the ball so there is less resistance and drag to hold the ball back.

Jared almost wanted to cry - hell, the tears were still lingering, blurring everything a little - at the simple familiarity. 

They’d argued for nearly ten minutes that day over who’s name would go first.

> _bdaywishlist16.docx_
> 
> \- new mouse for laptop?  
> \- stickers!  
> \- new lanyard for key  
> \- ?

Jared couldn’t help but frown a little. Evan was always too careful, it made him hard to shop for. Not that Jared could ever be frustrated _long,_ he knew it wasn’t Evan trying to be difficult. It was him trying to ask for as little as he could. It was him making himself small, ducking his head.

A pang of guilt echoed hollowly in his chest, the year before he’d dropped the ball. Normally he went out of his way to get Evan something decent and the year before he just gave him money. He had the ability to be thoughtful. He was capable.

Why couldn’t he ever deliver?

In the effort of looking at something bland for a little respite he pulled up one of the lab reports.

> _lab report fuckadhaskjd.docx_
> 
> **Name:** Evan Hansen   
> **Title:** Classifying Substances Lab Report   
> **Class Hour:** 3B
> 
> **Purpose:**
> 
> The purpose of this lab was to gather data about the properties of the substances and look at patterns in our results.
> 
> **Materials:**
> 
> Conductivity tester
> 
> | 
> 
> Salt (NaCl)
> 
> | 
> 
> Copper (Cu)  
>   
> ---|---|---  
>   
> 100 mL beaker
> 
> | 
> 
> Sand (SiO2)
> 
> | 
> 
> Copper (II) sulfate (CuSO4)  
>   
> Paraffin wax (C20H42)
> 
> | 
> 
> Aluminum foil (Al)
> 
> | 
> 
> Calcium chloride (CaCl2)  
>   
> Sucrose (C12H22O11)
> 
> | 
> 
> Ethanol (C2H6O)
> 
> | 
> 
> Distilled water  
>   
> **Procedure:**
> 
> In this lab you use a conductivity tester on or in each sample. If the light lights up you should record a yes for conductivity. Observe the substances in water and record if they dissolve or not. THen run your conductivity test again in every dissolved version and record your results. (Be sure to clean the tester between samples.)

Jared stared at the screen a little too long, hesitating before he moved to correct the slight typo - fixing the accidental capitalization. He couldn’t help but wonder how Evan hadn’t caught it, usually he spent twice as long on things like this for precisely those reasons.

Either way, he remembered the lab. Remembered how Evan had struggled being partnered with someone else. Their friendship had been teetering even then but they still often chose each other for group work - they were a safety net for each other. This time the groups had been picked at random.

With a sigh, Jared closed the document, opening up another.

Actually.. against his better judgement he double clicked the birthday wishlist Evan must have started making for _this_ year, his 18th birthday.

Maybe he could make himself useful and _deliver._

> _bday 18.docx_
> 
> \- new laptop maybe  
> \- actually idk it doesnt matter

Oh.

Jared didn’t linger, closing the document in favor of _anything_ else.

(How long had Evan been planning for.. what he did? How long had he been ready to take the final step?)

> _ksadhskd.docx_
> 
> Synesthesia is a neurological phenomenon described as a union or entanglement of the senses. A person with synesthesia has unusual sensory experiences, usually with one sense triggering another. One common type of synesthesia is grapheme-color synesthesia, which causes a person to see numbers, letters, and/or days of the week as a certain color. There are over seventy types of synesthesia, ranging from the aforementioned grapheme-color synesthesia to more rare types that could cause a person to taste colors or words.
> 
> ill just
> 
> put this down here for now
> 
> Sometimes people can be affected by something called synesthesia. This is when your senses get cross-wired. People with synesthesia can all be affected in different ways and they experience different senses differently. It’s a neurological condition and can even change the way you live. But scientists haven’t always acknowledged the condition. It was a popular subject in the 19th century, it was neglected in the 20th century until the 1980s.

Jared blinked at the screen, sort of pulled him from his emotions at the sight. It must have been some school project. But why had it been abandoned? And, shit, what _class_ was it for? 

It was odd enough to help start to clear the tears from his eyes. 

At least until he focused in on something else on the list. Seeing his own name was a little jarring. Just to know that Evan _thought_ about him. Which, realistically he knew that, but still. The physical proof made his chest hurt.

It just sort of came back to show him how selfish he was being.

It was selfish, wasn’t it? What he’d been doing.

> _jare birthday gift.docx_
> 
> \- new pokemon game?? (expensive :[..)  
> \- movie night basket? (stupid were not middle schoolers anymore)  
> \- that keychain for his backpack he liked (probably wont use it though)  
> \- something sentimental and hope he doesnt laugh?

Jared remembered this birthday. It was his 15th, their freshman year. In the end Evan _did_ get him the game, digging into some money he’d earned babysitting that summer. Jared still felt a little bad - his parents always paid for his gifts to Evan. 

Though, he’d _also_ made something sentimental.

Wrote him a letter, made him promise to save it until he really needed a pick me up, or whatever.

The worst part was that Jared _had_ laughed. Just a little. It was more confused, wondering why anyone would do that for _him._ It didn’t go unheard, though. The look on Evan’s face left him feeling guilty for months, enough so that he tucked the letter away and forgot about it.

He could really use it right about now.

It took a second but Jared realized now the screen was too blurry to read, the tears in his eyes turning it all into a fuzzy beam of light. His breaths fell uneven as all of the night’s guilt crashed over his shoulders. 

So what? He cared about Evan - he _liked_ Evan - a lot, but what made him the one who called the shots? Why did he get to be the one to say ‘oh that’s scary time to back out’? Why did it take him so long to realize that Evan _gave a shit._ For every little bit that Evan was his friend he was Evan’s _too._ And he threw it out the window. Because he was a little scared.

The feelings kept bubbling up in his chest, even as his phone buzzed. He only jolted a little, but the burn of tears in his eyes persisted. It buzzed again.

While he wasn’t in the mood for a phone call he knew Zoe would probably freak out if he kept ignoring her.

How did he deserve that?

“Dude, what the hell?” Despite her best efforts, the concern leaked into Zoe’s words immediately.

“What.. I’m just busy, I.. I missed your texts,” even as he said it he cringed a little knowing full well she’d see through him immediately. 

The first tear had gotten heavy enough to drop, the trail it left on his cheek itched.

“I.. are you okay? Just.. Connor said you _called_ and you usually just text..” The way she trailed off left Jared wondering how much Connor had really said. Had he mentioned how Jared sounded? Or was she operating off just the fact that he’d called and asked for the note?

“Yeah I’m.. I’m, uh, fine,” he pulled in a short gasp as he poorly stifled a sob, mentally kicking himself.

“Are.. Jared, are you.. crying?” It was hesitant, careful. Normally she’d have no problem calling him on his bullshit - hell, she’d torn into him that morning for being an asshole. This was different though. It wasn’t blunt or too pointed. 

He didn’t deserve it.

Shoulders shaking, he bit back another sob.

“I gotta go. It’s.. it’s fine. Long day. I’ll.. like, see you at school.”

Zoe had started talking but it was too late, Jared pulled the phone away and hung up. He pushed Evan’s laptop off his lap, gently, so it rested on the bed beside him. With a short gasp he slid down in the bed, tucking his legs under the messy blankets while he shoved his glasses up off his face. The tear tracks were irritating now, so he scrubbed at them with balled up hands.

Honestly he wasn’t sure how long he laid there, struggling to keep his breathing under control as he sobbed. The last thing he wanted was to work himself up so much that he would need to drag himself home for his inhaler. How fucking pathetic would that be?

With a sigh he turned his head towards Evan’s laptop where it rested next to where he’d laid his head. The glow cast harshly over his face, blurring out without his glasses. He still had one more thing to do. And, like everything else so far, it filled him with a concoction of dread and guilt.

The note.

Odds were that it was one of the therapy files.

Right?

Wiping his eyes one last time Jared reached down to grab his glasses from where they’d fallen onto the bed, frowning at how raw his cheeks felt now. He slipped his glasses on his face, pushing them up on his nose as he struggled to sit up, leaning up on the headboard again.

What were the odds he clicked the right one on the first try?

> _for therapy.docx_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day again happy thanksgiving folks but here it is the other part of evans note,, what connor didnt have, and heres where the edits come in bc i took evans draft note from the behind the scenes book and tweaked it,, so you get this x]

Never going to happen. Zoe doesn’t care. Does anybody even care? If I disappear tomorrow, nobody’s going to care.

They don’t even know my name.

Well, there’s Jared. Jared knows me, but he doesn’t want to. Not anymore. That’s proof enough. The one person who knew me doesn’t want to know me. The one person. The single person who’s ever seemed to care about where I was at, that single constant. And now he wants out too.

It’s not Zoe. It’s Jared. That’s the problem. 

But ‘And then there’s Jared. Like, all my hope is pinned on Jared’ sounds… 

It just can’t be that way. It’s never going to be that way. That’s why it has to be Zoe. But it can’t even be Zoe. So it has to be no one.

I’m giving up. I’m giving in. I’m not fighting it anymore. Nothing changes. It doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. You don’t get any wiser. You just get older. Your skin gets thinner. Your nerve gets weaker. Your feelings get hurt enough times that you’d rather not feel anymore. You give up. I give up.

I give up. Once and for all, I give up.

Sincerely Your Best and Most Dearest Friend, 

Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost to the end ;_; thanks everyone for coming along on this journey
> 
> cw; evs attempt is referenced in passing, theres some jared drama with his mom but nothing major. not necessarily anything ed related but dinner is skipped

Jared felt sick, it was like he had whiplash from the rest of the letter. How could he ever have seen that coming? _Him?_ What was so special about him?

The answer was right in front of him but it just didn’t feel right. Evan liked Zoe, it seemed so.. tangible, real. He’d talked about her - a few times! He mentioned little things, stammered through something about her performance with the jazz band that they let everyone head down to the auditorium to see during fourth period one day while they got ready to perform at the state level. They sat next to each other in the theater seats, in the back corner of the auditorium. Jared was looking at Evan, Evan was looking at Zoe.

How was that fake?

This letter, though.. it wasn’t like Evan showed it to anyone. Hell, he seemed panicked after Connor took it on the first day of school. Like he didn’t want it to get out. He didn’t want it to get out.

He didn’t want to get outed?

That’s what it seemed like, at least.

Jared hated that _this_ was how he found out. Or, at least.. in theory. Nothing was set in stone and he didn’t really care to ponder if Evan was secretly gay or bi or.. whatever when he was getting treated in the fucking _hospital._ Which.. He sunk further down into the blankets, shifting the laptop off his lap, setting it next to his head while he rolled on his side. The words were sideways with how he squinted at them now but he knew the _idea_ of what it said. It was something he’d probably never forget.

_Jared knows me, but he doesn’t want to._

Honestly, he felt like a fucking moron. It had been selfish, hadn’t it? He could have at least had the decency to have some sort of awkward conversation if he really was going to sever everything between them.

_The single person who’s ever seemed to care about where I was at, that single constant. And now he wants out too._

It sent a pang through his chest - of course he cared. He cared too much. Jared cared too much all the time and it seemed to do more harm than good in most cases. Of all the times for him to be wrong with his realistic - yet often pessimistic - imagination.

_It just can’t be that way. It’s never going to be that way._

Would things have been different if he’d said something? If they’d stayed friendly? If they’d gotten as close as they’d been two years ago again? The note already sounded a bit final, honestly Jared wondered why he’d hung on as long as he did, almost two months into school.

Not that he wasn't _grateful._ The thought of Evan doing this and him being none the wiser.. he felt sick.

Could things have ever gone differently?

He wasn’t stupid enough to believe that he could’ve been able to just show up to school, put on a smile, and invite Evan over for dinner. Or ask him on a date. That would be giving himself too much credit. Obviously Evan wasn’t going to act on it, would they have danced around it forever?

In another life maybe he was bold enough to offer Evan a ride home, to reach across the console and hold his hand in the quiet between them.

Would that have fixed it?

No, not _really._ He was smitten, truly in the most pathetically repressed away, yeah. And maybe now he could sit up and say it with his chest; not that it’d fix anything, it wasn’t that easy. Still, though.. the point was that Evan deserved to hear it. He deserved the truth - about a lot of things. Even if it didn’t change anything, even if it broke them a little more.

It was time he faced _something._

* * *

**the more cool murphy 🎸**

_October 6, 11:02 pm_

jared??  
what happened?

* * *

Rolling back onto his back, Jared left his phone set down by his hip, face up. He could see a faint glow pick up, adding to how Evan’s laptop cast light horizontally over his face. It was either Evan’s mom or Zoe. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he could handle either. If it was Heidi at least he could say he was asleep, he could look at any Evan updates in the morning. Last he knew he was stable enough, probably stable enough that he wouldn’t just.. drop dead. Fuck. He chased the morbid thoughts off by slipping his glasses off, dropping them down by his phone before pressing his hands to his face. 

If he rolled over in the night and broke them he’d just deal. His body felt far too heavy to move. Even to lean over to Evan’s bedside table. Besides, almost as if on command, the floodgates shattered as soon as his palms were pressed to his face. His shoulders shook as his sobs started silently.

It had been a while since he’d let himself utterly shatter.

A sob tore through him, a gasping breath with a broken noise.

The shaking was accompanied with an ache in his stomach that spread up to his chest, leaving him feeling hollowed out. He pressed his fingernails to the skin right above his eyebrows, bound to leave little crescents. 

The moon wasn’t kind enough to cast her light through Evan’s blinds - just the harsh blue glow of a screen - so he’d have to cultivate his own space where she watched over him.

The tears didn’t stop after long, he just didn’t have anymore to cry. While it left his head aching he was grateful for the exhaustion that washed over him in the following wake, a tide pulled in by his little crescents. If filled in his craters, tugging him under as he turned his head to press his face to Evan’s pillow.

Insomnia released its hold on him, at least for the night, letting him slip under.

* * *

Jared woke up considerably more comfortable than when he’d passed out. Not necessarily as comfortable as he could’ve, there was still a lingering ache in his head and in his bones, but.. Evan’s laptop was tucked away, presumably on his desk. Squinting he spotted a glass of water on the nightstand, his glasses folded up next to it. 

It took him a second to process what he was hearing, he’d forgotten what Evan’s alarm clock sounded like. It was oddly gentle, almost only a buzz. Pushing himself up, he leaned over to shut it off, _7:20 am._ He still had time to get to school, not much, but time. It must have gone to snooze automatically, or he hit it on autopilot, hence why it was going off so late.

Shit, _school._

The idea of facing anyone, let alone Connor and Zoe, made his stomach roll with nerves. There wasn’t much he could do, though. Time marched on, whether or not Evan did what he did. He still had homework. He still had a calc quiz. He still had to get up.

Evan’s blankets tucked up around him felt so heavy on his lap, begging him to stay in bed.

Heidi. She must have tucked him in. Cleaned up. Left the water.

Immediately he felt his eyes burning with the urge to cry. It hadn’t been long enough, though. His body hadn’t quite recovered from the night before and there just weren't any tears to spare. For her sake, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, pushing the blankets aside. He grabbed the water, downing half the glass before setting it back carefully, slipping his glasses on.

She’d plugged in his phone, left a little post it note.

> _‘Evan’s still stable. Going to see him, will probably be gone by the time you’re awake._ _  
> __Cereal is in the cabinet. Take care of yourself, sweetie._ _  
> __Heidi <3’_

It seemed like she was dead set on making him cry, his throat immediately tightened up and he folded the note in half, unable to keep looking at it. He carefully tucked it into his pocket, though. 

The sentiment left a pang in his chest but he didn’t have time for breakfast. Didn’t have time to shower. Didn’t have time to change.

Pushing himself out of bed he grabbed his phone, shoving it in his pocket before slipping on his shoes that he’d left by Evan’s bedroom door. Pausing, he looked around. He’d known Evan far too long to feel weird about shit now. He grabbed his deodorant, putting some on before leaving it on his dresser. He was hyper aware that he was wearing the same clothes he’d worn to school the day before. No one would really notice his jeans but his shirt.. 

Biting the inside of his cheek he stepped over the mess on Evan’s floor, pulling open his closet to tug out a hoodie. He slipped it on over his head before fixing his glasses after they’d been knocked askew. Evan’s smell clung to him now, nothing in particular, just something that made him want to crawl back into bed and sleep for a few hours.

He didn’t have hours, though. Just minutes.

Patting himself down he confirmed his keys were still in his pocket, tugging them out as he all but ran out of Evan’s room. He made a pit stop in the bathroom, pouring out some mouthwash to swish around while he smoothed out his hair. There was gum in his backpack-

His backpack.

Spitting out the mouthwash he set his keys down, quickly cupping his hand to rinse out the heavy taste before swiping them again and flicking the lights off before all but sprinting out of the house. He locked the door behind himself - still carrying Evan’s keys. He could give them back later.

A glance at his phone showed him the time, _7:27 am._

At least the crisp fall air put a hurry in his step. He fell into a pace somewhere just under a jog, the last thing he wanted was to need to sit around with his inhaler. He needed to grab his backpack and leave. If he was late and they called his mom..

He felt sick.

The walk passed in record time. He only let himself run up the stairs, it was short enough that he wouldn’t completely wind himself. He nearly tripped though, catching himself and using his palms to help make it up the last few steps. Swiping his inhaler off the dresser he tucked it in his bag before swinging it over his shoulder and turning around to head right back down the stairs.

When he finally slid into his driver’s seat and started up his car the time blinked back at him, _7:33 am._

So maybe he pushed the speed limit a bit, but he made it to first period and into his seat just two minutes before the final bell rang.

* * *

“You could’ve at least answered my texts.”

Jared knew it was coming. He took every precaution, heading to lunch as late as he could and tucking himself into a back corner. His table was out of view of the one he normally sat at with Zoe and Connor, but he could only hide behind scattered groups for so long. Zoe immediately got up from the table, shouldering her bag and holding onto her tray while she all but stalked across the lunchroom, eyes fixed on him. He should’ve skipped lunch entirely. Especially with Connor coming in behind her. He was all bark but guard dogs were still scary.

A selfish part of him wished he and Zoe had kept all the distance between them and he immediately regretted it. He just didn’t care to be ganged up on.

“Fell asleep,” he offered shortly. It wasn’t entirely a lie.

“You sure don’t look like you slept,” this time Connor cut in and Jared didn’t have a response for him. The glance he’d caught of himself in the mirror that morning confirmed that line of reasoning. He hadn’t slept _enough_ for everything that happened.

“You called.. like, freaking out. We were _worried_ Jared.” Zoe finally took a seat and even when they were on an even eye level he didn’t really care for the interrogation. “I stayed up ‘til like.. one in the morning waiting for you to answer that you were okay-”

“Well sorry,” it came out a bit too harsh. Part of him suddenly understood Connor in some roundabout way. He felt like a cornered animal, lashing out instead of accepting the outstretched hand. He didn’t deserve it. “I’ll make sure not to fucking call the next time so you can get your fucking beauty sleep.”

Even before the hurt look crossed Zoe’s face he knew he fucked up, moving to shove his phone in his pocket and zip up his bag. He needed to stop running away but it was too much at once.

“You’re kidding me,” Connor took over again, leaning over the table a little. The bark was barely even there. If he’d had a harsher edge Jared wouldn’t feel as bad but he sounded _concerned._ It was too fucking much. “You called _crying_ and you won’t even tell us what happened?”

“Well maybe,” Jared put his palms on the table, pushing himself to stand before slinging his bag over his shoulder, “if you gave me the fucking note two months ago we wouldn’t have so many issues.”

It was low, bringing it up again, considering he’d told Connor that their friendship was more than that. Besides, it wasn’t Connor’s fault that Evan..

“So you’re still blaming _me?_ I don’t even know what the fuck happened,” the bark was back. It sent a shock of cold fear down Jared’s spine, his breath came out in a shaky huff as he grabbed his tray.

“It doesn’t fucking matter.”

At least neither of them followed him.

* * *

The rest of lunch was spent tucked away in a back hallway. His backpack leaned on the wall next to him while he hugged his knees to his chest. It was taking everything in him to not cry now that he’d had some water after waking up. In an effort to hold it together he kept his gaze fixed on the tile floor, letting his eyes unfocus.

He didn’t register the soft tap of footsteps down the hall, steady but gentle. It was only once a blurry outline of legs stopped in front of him did he blink everything into focus. Zoe didn’t wear shoes like that, and he didn’t really talk to _anyone_ at school..

“Jared?” 

Looking up he saw Alana, backlit by the harsh lights above them. The shadows made it harder to read her expression but her brows were drawn together in concern as she looked at him. It only took him a second after that to register that a few stray tears were dripping down his face.

“Hey, Lana.” He was surprised his voice carried far enough for her to hear - he only realized the tightness of his throat once he started to speak.

For a second she was quiet, shrugging her bag off so he could sit down next to him, sparing him the eye contact at least. Actually, she spared him the.. everything. She didn’t prod, simply setting her hands in her lap while she sat next to him. It left him feeling bad for their last text exchange. Feeling bad for assuming. 

“It’s Evan,” he finally offered up, sniffling softly before reaching up to slip a hand under his glasses so he could wipe at his eyes a little. Alana offered a hum of acknowledgement before shifting to tuck her legs under herself.

“Yeah.. he hasn’t seemed great lately.”

“He’s not.. he’s,” Jared heaved a sigh, leaning his head back against the painted brick wall and closing his eyes. “He’s, like..”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Alana murmured, hesitantly moving a hand to give his knee a gentle tap. “I hope everything’s alright, though.”

Another wave of guilt rolled through Jared as he thought back on every assumption he’d ever harbored about her. She was more than that, here she was.. listening to him. How could he just blindly believe every little comment? Every piece of gossip?

“Thanks.”

The bell signaling the end of lunch spared him of any more conversation, as soon as it rang Alana was getting to her feet again. Slipping on her bag, she extended a hand to him. Maybe he could just stop _running._ He took her hand, pulling himself to his feet before grabbing his own bag.

They split without another word, Alana heading back the direction she’d come from with a little wave.

He had to stop running.

He wasn’t bound to be stuck where he thought he was.

* * *

After some back and forth, Jared came to the conclusion that going home from school early wasn’t the same as running. At least the thought gave him a bitter laugh as he slid into his car. To be fair he _did_ feel sick, his whole body ached. With a known history of migraines he was able to slip out without a call home, the nurse was familiar enough with him and he didn’t abuse the power _too_ often. With an empty promise of not driving and getting a ride home he took his slip and ducked out of school as his third period started.

At least it wasn’t like he was ditching Evan in Spanish or anything.

Right, Evan.

Steeling himself, Jared pulled his phone from his pocket, finally checking his texts. He’d only hyped himself up to send a ‘thank you’ text to Heidi after he saw Alana, asking how Evan was in the least emotionally obvious way he could.

* * *

**ev’s mom**

_October 7, 12:02 pm_

thanks for everything last night ms h  
is he like doing alright?

_ October 7, 12:06 pm _

Of course sweetheart! Thank you for checking on the house  
He woke up and had some brunch, he’s sleeping again now. He’s cleared to come home but we’re letting him rest a little more and I’ll be bringing him home tonight if you want to come see him for dinner. He’s not going to be admitted because he and I agreed that inpatient could possibly cause more issues than it could solve. He’s switching therapists and medications, though. I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t act when you did, Jare. Thank you, you’re always welcome at the house. ❤️

* * *

It was a lot to take in all at once and a lot of information he thought he just didn’t deserve to know. The idea that Heidi must have thought they were closer recently than they actually had been made the guilt stir back up in his stomach. 

He needed a nap.

After sending a confirmation and a ‘thanks’ for the sentiments, he tucked his phone back into his pocket and started up his car before buckling his seatbelt. Even hours later it still felt odd to be in his car, it felt odd to catch sight of his backpack propped up on the passenger seat. How had it only been less than a day?

As he shifted gears out of park he directed his thoughts to Connor and Zoe instead. No more running. He’d have to come up with _something_ that didn’t border on too much. Not everything was his to tell. It would be easier when he could text, though. Easier to collect his thoughts. Baby steps, he was getting there. 

The drive was near silent, it was just the rumble of his engine and the wind whipped up by any cars he passed. His thoughts were loud enough, though, drafting a text in his head that he could mull over once he was home. It was somehow the longest _and_ shortest drive home he’d ever felt.

For a few minutes he sat in the driveway, idling in park while he gripped the wheel. 

There was a dread pooling heavy in his stomach that he just couldn’t shake. He wasn’t even sure where it came from. Some combination of texting Zoe and Connor with knowing Evan would be home and just a few minutes away soon, surely. 

Sitting alone in his driveway didn’t do anyone good, especially not him, so he shut off his car, unbuckling before leaning over to tug his backpack out with him. He hefted it over one shoulder before shutting and locking his car, heading up to his front porch. It felt odd to go home, realistically nothing had changed but at the same time _he_ felt sort of changed. 

It didn’t help that going home always instilled some complicated feelings.

No more running away.

With a huff of a sigh he let himself in, closing and locking the door behind himself before toeing off his shoes and nudging them out of the way. Holding onto the backpack strap that was hooked over his shoulder he headed back towards the stairs, freezing in front of the kitchen entryway on his way there.

Someone clearing their throat had caught his attention.

So maybe running wasn’t always bad - would it be wrong to run away from this one?

“You’re home early.”

It felt like a trap. Calculated.

“Yeah, I uh,” Jared swallowed thickly, immediately shuffling his feet a bit. All he wanted was to duck his head and go to his room. “I got a migraine.. the nurse sent me home.”

For a second his mom pondered this, Jared had the sneaking suspicion that she didn’t quite buy it. He just hoped he could get away with some reprimanding and-

“What about last night?” Even if he wanted to run, he couldn’t. He was stuck in place and this interrogation was more high stakes than being cornered by Zoe and Connor at lunch.

“What’s.. I..” He couldn’t even get himself to lie - she brought it up, she knew. There was nothing he could say to dispute it. Even the truth couldn’t fall from his mouth; _at Evan’s._ He hadn’t gone over in.. he wasn’t really sure of the last time he was there. His parents knew how much time he spent in his room.

“You were gone all night. Where were you?” The silence between them was tense and Jared felt his hands start to shake. He was still struggling to process, how could he even start to explain it? The more he thought about it the more he thought about _Evan._ About driving him. His knees felt a little weak. “We were worried about you.”

_‘Not worried enough to text.’_ Not that he’d dare say it aloud. 

“I was.. I was at a friend’s.” He supposed that was safe enough. All he could hope was that she wasn’t interested enough to ask questions.

“Next time tell me when you’re going to be gone.”

Something in her tone had any words dying on Jared’s tongue, shoulders stiff from stress. He managed a short nod before taking a shaking step backwards. When nothing more was said he turned quickly, keeping his head down as he made his way up the stairs.

All he hoped was that it didn’t come up again.

It didn’t come up the rest of the night.

No one called him down for dinner.

* * *

**Hansen 🔪**

_October 7, 5:44 pm_

thanks for everything  
mom said you could stop by for dinner

* * *

The text replayed in his brain for hours, sitting unanswered. Every time he tried to respond he backed out - but he kept himself from being dismissive, from saying something shitty. He was floating between how he’d been and how he wanted to be, not quite committing to a side. 

What he could do, though, was edit Evan’s contact name.

Ironically, he got another message as he saved the changes.

* * *

**Ev 🦔**

_October 7, 9:58 pm_

well im going to bed  
ill be back at school on tuesday i think  
thanks jare

* * *

Guilt hung heavy over Jared’s head as he sunk into bed, closing the thread. There was too much to say, none of it felt right over text. Granted, he should have just said _that_ with a promise to visit, but.. He needed time. He needed to catch his breath.

He needed to text Zoe. Connor too, probably.

* * *

**the more cool murphy 🎸**

_October 7, 10:04 pm_

im sorry about lunch  
i just cant really tell you guys what happened

_October 7, 10:11 pm_

its about ev isnt it?

im not talking about it

alright jare  
you know we were just worried

i know

* * *

Really, he did. When Zoe said it he believed it.

* * *

**the less cool murphy 💀**

_October 7, 10:19 pm_

sorry about today

dont worry about it

itll make sense later prolly  
just ugh   
fuckin like dont say shit to me but   
you two are my friends and im sorry for bein a dickhead   
thanks for looking out for me

go to bed jare you looked like shit today

_October 7, 10:28 pm_

youre a good friend  
yeah kinda a dickhead but you are

* * *

When Jared finally slipped his glasses off and let his head sink back into the pillows he started crying for a mixed bag of reasons. Good and bad. His head was rapidly flipping between warm feelings from the quiet support he’d received most of the day from his _friends_ to all the deep and heavy guilt surrounding his mom and Evan.

For the second night in a row he cried himself to sleep, this time instead of being tucked up in Evan’s bed he was still clad in his hoodie.

He was going to figure it out. Somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments mean the world


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.. inspo hit and somehow i knocked this chapter out. thank you to everyone for coming along on this ride. <3 this story means a lot to me and all ur comments and love means a lot to me too

Two days. Jared gave himself two days off. Part of him wasn’t sure if it was a ‘break’ or more of a punishment to not text anyone for two days but he really needed some time to himself. He slept in and worked on homework, got himself fully caught up for the week. On Monday he woke up for school actually feeling sort of rested.

Granted, insomnia was still sort of a bitch but he caught up on as much sleep as he could and when he got up he walked to the shower rather than practically dragged himself. He actually got himself to floss, too, on top of brushing his teeth.

It was the little things.

The kitchen was dark when he finally headed downstairs and he couldn’t help but feel a little bad at how he breathed out a sigh of relief. 

Instead of grabbing a shitty breakfast shake his mom stocked up on, he rifled through cabinets until he found half a loaf of bread tucked away next to the cereal. Checking his phone he confirmed he had time, he could leave at 7:30 and head right into his first class. That gave him about 15 minutes to eat. More than enough.

Crouching down, he pulled the toaster out from under the cabinet to set it up next to the stove, reaching to plug it in. Grabbing two pieces of bread he dropped them into the slots, starting the toaster before tying up the bread bag and slipping it back up into the cabinet. While his bread toasted he shuffled over to the fridge, pulling out the butter and holding that in one hand while he grabbed a knife from the utensils drawer. He set both next to the toaster, tapping his foot while he waited. He didn’t even jump when the toast popped! In the interest of not dirtying more dishes than necessarily he tore off some paper towels, folding them up so he could carefully set the pieces on top of it.

Ten minutes, he still had ten minutes. He didn’t even have to carefully eat over his steering wheel.

With a little hum he popped open the butter, using the knife to spread some butter on both pieces before setting the knife in the sink and tucking the butter back in its spot on the top shelf of the fridge.

The rising sun’s rays cut through the blinds on the window above the sink and cast over the side of his face while he ate his toast.

* * *

“Hey.”

Zoe was the first to speak up when Jared set his tray down at the table, shrugging off his bag before sinking to sit on the creaky plastic seat. Connor raised his head too, locking his phone and setting it down at his arrival. The attention made him feel a little itchy but he wasn’t running.

“Hey,” it came out weak but he got his mouth to work at least.

“You know there was a fight after you left on Friday?” The slightest smile graced Connor’s lips and almost on command it dragged a snort of laughter from Jared. Just like that his shoulders relaxed and he saw Zoe’s own lips twitch into a smile.

“Wait, wait.. I missed a fucking fight? That’s so bullshit!”

“Dude,” Zoe tried to sound scolding but her own laugh slipped out as he lightly kicked him under the table.

“What!” Jared barely even registered how his face was split wide in a grin, shoulders shaking with another fit of laughter. The weight would return to his shoulders soon enough, but he had a half hour lunch period to forget about it with two of his closest friends. “It’s, like, free entertainment!”

“You two are hopeless.” Even when she rolled her eyes her face was scrunched up with an amused expression.

“He’s onto something, Zo,” Connor cut back in, smiling himself this time - properly.

“Fucking hell.”

They didn’t have to talk about _it._ They didn’t have to talk about Thursday or Friday or Jared. 

When the bell rang and they all got off of their seats Zoe left her tray for a second, circling around to put herself at Jared’s side. Before he could open his mouth she tugged him into a hug, giving him a quick squeeze before bracing her hands on his shoulders and pulling away, looking over his face.

Nothing had to be said, she just left him with a little smile. Before he could process her retreating form he felt a squeeze to his shoulder, turning his head in time to see Connor flash him a peace sign before carrying his tray over to the trash cans.

For a second he stood still, processing.

* * *

“Hey! Lana!” Jared clutched his backpack straps before pulling one hand away to wave once Alana turned around. They always seemed to leave school at the same time, he’d only recently realized. She’d just headed out the school doors and Jared shouldered through the double doors before breaking into a jog to catch up to her. She paused, not even to the parking lot yet.

“What’s up?” She cocked her head quizzically, moving to hold onto her own backpack straps as she idly rocked on her heels.

“I just.. I wanted to say thanks. For, uh.. for Friday. Y’know?”

“Of course,” the softness in her tone nearly knocked him off his feet. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve all the gentle treatment but.. He wasn’t running. He was accepting. He was trying. “Are you feeling better? I think this last week was just bad for everyone. My hamster got out on Thursday and we’re still looking for him.”

“Ah, shit. I’m sorry dude.” Jared gave a slight frown, though it all started to make more sense. Alana wasn’t just talking over everything to put herself ahead - he couldn’t believe he’d listened to all the whispered things about her and everyone else. She was reaching out, trying to connect to him. Trying to relate. “I’m doing better I think.”

“It’ll be fine, I’m sure.. and I’m glad,” her smile was hopeful and the opposite of the little frown he’d pulled. In response he forced his expression to lighten up, propelled easily by how her hand gently patted his shoulder. “Thanks, Jare. I’ll see you!”

Even when Alana headed off to her own car he stayed stuck in place for a minute.

* * *

“I’m going out,” Jared called into the kitchen as he walked past it, head down. It had only been a few days since their last ‘fight’ and Jared wasn’t really ready to start more shit with his mom. He needed to do this, though. Before tomorrow. The guilt heavy in his stomach stuck around the whole weekend and only lightened up for a few hours at school. This was it, though. 

He wasn’t going to run anymore.

“If you’re not back for dinner leftovers will be in the fridge, hun.”

Jared left it at that, zipping his hoodie halfway as he slipped his shoes on and ducked out the front door. He spun his keys on his finger as he headed down the porch steps, heading over to the driver’s side of his car. 

It could’ve gone worse.

* * *

**Ev 🦔**

_October 9, 12:06 pm_

can u let me know if theres anything big i miss tmrw

_October 10, 11:21 am_

nvm i can grab anything i missed tmrw

_October 10, 6:37 pm_

are u home?

* * *

Jared idled in the Hansen’s driveway, staring down at his phone until some movement caught his eye. The front door opened to show him Heidi, beaming at him with a wave. It was probably warmer than he deserved but he quickly turned his car off, grabbing his keys and the small stack of papers off his passenger seat.

There was no going back now.

Hushed greetings were shared in the living room and Heidi pulled him into a one armed hug before letting him head down the hall to Evan’s room. Out of an uncharacteristic politeness he raised a careful hand to knock on the door with the back of his hand.

“Yeah.” His voice was a lot steadier than it had been Thursday night.

No going back.

With a shallow breath Jared twisted the doorknob before pushing the door open.

“Uh.. hey?” He had the decency to sound a little sheepish, though he averted his gaze as he took a careful step into the room. It was cleaner - the floor was picked up, no more dishes lingered on the flat surfaces. 

“Hey,” Evan’s response was equally as soft in volume but it had a bit of edge to it, “so.. you’re like, done.. done like, ignoring me now?”

It was a stark contrast to all the hugs and touches he’d gotten that day but Jared couldn’t really fault him for it. He’d sort of fully disappeared as far as Evan knew after dropping him off at the ER and.. if the note was anything to go off of (and duh, it was a _lot_ to go off of) then he knew that Evan already thought he hated him. With a short sigh he carefully sat on the edge of Evan’s bed, watching him sit up out of the corner of his eye.

“I didn’t..” Jared shook his head, heaving another sigh as he balanced the papers in his lap, “I wasn’t, like, trying to ignore you.. Really. I just needed.. like, I needed some time.”

“I’m sorry.” That sounded like the Evan he knew, not that it made him feel better.

“No, shit. I’m sorry, man.” Jared shook his head quickly, standing up again so he could cross the room to set the papers on Evan’s desk. For good measure he shuffled over towards the door, carefully pushing it shut with his foot before making his way back to Evan’s side. He lowered himself back onto the bed picking at his nails.

“I..” The silence was broken by Evan, only for a second. His voice died out quickly and he shook his head, crossing his arms. 

This is where it mattered, where it counted.

Jared could take the lead, Evan could follow.

“No, sorry. I’m.. I’m sorry for, like, everything. For the last few months especially,” he launched into it, gesturing with his hands as he half turned, tucking a leg under himself. His eyes searched over Evan’s face, not surprised at the hesitant look he was met with. “I was being an asshole. Really. It sounds stupid but like.. it really wasn’t you. I, like.. fuck. It’s so.. It’s just complicated and I’m sorry.”

“Well I’ve got time,” Evan murmured with a slight shrug, dropping his gaze to stare at the comforter over his legs instead. “I mean.. it was probably.. it was the, um, my note.. wasn’t it? Connor showed you, uh.. didn’t he? I mean- I mean like.. it’s fine. I get it-”

“No,” Jared cut in quickly, leaning in a little, bracing a hand on the mattress next to Evan. The slight decrease in distance felt like so much more when Evan lifted his head and met his eyes again. “No that’s not.. no. He didn’t show it to me- well. Shit. Okay, so it’s complicated, okay?”

“I.. alright?”

Jared pretended he didn’t notice how Evan’s gaze flickered down to his lips.

“Connor never, like.. showed me the note. He barely even looked at it and.. I asked him for it, uh.. like Thursday and he only had the first page.” When Evan cringed a little he couldn’t help but feel bad. “I.. I did see it on your laptop. Sorry, just.. I came here after your mom got to the ER and.. I guess I wanted to see if you, like.. left anything. And I wanted to know what the rest of the note said, if that’s wrong I..”

“Oh.”

The silence hung between them, it was like Jared was looking over the edge of a precipice. Nothing was going to be the same after this, for better or worse.

“I don’t know.. what the fuck I’d do without you, Ev,” his voice betrayed him, wavering when he hit the nickname, “you’re my best friend.”

“I’m sorry,” the tightness of Evan’s throat was evident too, coupled with a sniffle as he reached up to rub at his face.

“No, shit.. stop that,” Jared choked out a weak laugh, reaching a hand out to carefully take hold of Evan’s, “stop apologizing. You.. You didn’t do anything. I was.. fuck, it’s so stupid. Don’t laugh, alright?”

“No promises.” Evan managed a weak smile, letting Jared carefully lace their fingers together. His brows drew together in confusion, though, still unsure of where it was going.

“I.. so I was an asshole,” the tension was broken as Evan choked out a laugh, mumbling a little ‘understatement’ that made Jared snort his own laugh, “shh, shh. Let me.. okay. I’m.. I’ve been, like, I guess.. grappling with my sexuality, right? It’s.. It’s been a lot. Which, I know it’s fucking selfish to drop you over but.. I just thought if I could ignore it, it’d go away.”

“Mhm,” Evan hummed gently, dropping his gaze to their loosely connected hands.

“Because.. I do think of you like that. I don’t know when it started or anything, but.. I guess it, like, dude.. I don’t know. It was kind fucking terrifying?”

“So, you..”

“Yes,” before Evan could even get into it Jared gave his hand a squeeze, turning himself completely to fully face him, sitting with his legs crossed, “I.. I like you. Like, a lot. And I know that’s a shitty excuse but fuck. There’s been so much shit at home and.. I let it sort of take over. I don’t wanna do that again. I wanna be a better friend. You’re my best friend, asshole.”

“Best friend?” He lifted his head again, lips curled up in a hesitant smile, head tipped to the side.

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Jared gave a sort of goofy smile, rolling his eyes before letting his expression soften. “But.. I know it’s not.. I know it’s not all fucking sunshine hours. I fucked up. I.. but I care about you and I was.. so fucking scared for you. I want to be your best friend.”

“You are.. you are my best friend,” the response was barely over a whisper and before Jared could protest Evan set his free hand on top of their joined ones, “you.. okay. This, right now.. this is, um, why you’re my best friend. I.. this is hard. You’re, like, uh.. here, though. So.. thanks. Thanks.. for everything. For picking me up.”

“Of course,” Jared whispered, as if entranced by the contact between their hands, letting his gaze drop before slowly lifting it back to his face, “I.. I never wanted that. Ever,” the tears were welling up again and he tried to blink them back. It was finally settling in fully, he could’ve lost Evan. “I.. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I.. me either.” Evan’s fingers absentminded traced over the back of Jared’s hand while he kept his gaze fixed down, his own eyes shimmering with welling tears. “I’m.. still a little.. uh, mad, though.”

“That’s fair.” With a sigh Jared shifted how he was sitting, nudging Evan to the side so he could sit next to him, their hips touching. “More than fair.”

“But you, um,” a little laugh made its way in when Jared properly linked their hands, fingers laced together tightly, “you.. you already know how I feel.”

“Do I?”

“Oh fuck off.” Jared snorted out a laugh while Evan rolled his eyes, bumping Jared with his foot from under the blankets. “You.. you’re, like, insufferable but.. I- I just.. like you. A lot.”

“Thanks.”

It pulled another soft fit of laughter from the both of them and when Evan tipped to lean on his shoulder Jared swore his heart felt fit to burst.

There was a long way to go but he was ready to start down the path.

* * *

“You’re so fucking slow,” as he said it Jared was beaming at his passenger side where Evan was slipping into the car. Sometimes it still made his chest ache - it hadn’t even been three months yet - but Evan was a regular to his car again, it was easier to process every day.

“I couldn’t, like, find my shoes! And.. like, you were supposed to- you were supposed to be here, like, five minutes ago!”

“Suddenly I can’t hear,” Jared said, turning his gaze back to his windshield so he could pull away from the curb once Evan was buckled up. When he immediately hit the stop sign at the end of the block Evan leaned over the center to press a kiss to the side of his head. Before he could shift back into his seat Jared turned his head, catching him in a quick kiss.

“Still your fault, you’re so slow,” Evan muttered between giggles, setting his hand on the center console of the car once he was settled, “you gotta explain to- you gotta explain, like, to everyone why we were late.”

“We’re not gonna be late!” The protest was followed with one of Jared’s hands falling from the wheel, carefully making its way to the center console to rest on top of Evan’s. His hands were cold after coming from the outside, at least the snow had stopped, that made driving easier. “We’ve got.. like, what.. ten minutes?”

“Mm, we’ll see.” As he mused softly Evan shifted his hand to link their fingers together, turning his head to stare out the window. Jared spared him a quick glance.

It was getting easier to look at him and not just remember.

“You could’ve gotten a ride from Lana,” it was teasing and accompanied with a squeeze to Evan’s hand.

“Pfft, yeah right.” Jared didn’t need to see his face to know he rolled his eyes. “She’s great and all but I don’t- I’m not gonna pass up a.. a, um, ride from my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?”

Evan made a flustered little noise, moving to pull his hand away but Jared gave it another squeeze.

“I just.. I mean-”

“Ev,” Jared cut in before he could work himself into some mess, “I’m just being a dick. I.. I like the sound of that.”

“Boyfriend.” This time it was softer, almost hesitant.

“Boyfriend,” Jared confirmed, brushing his thumb over the back of his hand.

* * *

**Ev 🦔💖**

_February 13, 7:37 pm_

sorry to cut that short  
were like.. ‘being a family’ or something   
even if ‘family night’ means we make fun of reality tv??

jare its fine !!!  
im glad its better

me too  
ill grab u tmrw for lunch?

yea !!  
go have family time x

x  
love u dumbass

i love you too asshole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos n comments mean the world <3


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